This is the final ending to my “Illness of Discontent.” The short story was written in the fall of 2015, quite awhile ago. I have travelled a long ways but where am I in recovery? In the series I just wrote “The Cake is Now” I tried to show and explain how I got from feelings of euphoria to starvation and feeding tubes and hospitalizations.
I think with my use of the maniac’s hours, I try to establish the feelings of bliss without the food restriction and the excessive exercising. I think it was quite clever for me to find a way to bring back that time of the day, feeling so high and doing so much work without the eating disorder playing right in the forefront. I think it is an important step in any one’s recovery to find a way to deal with what we craved, before we got really sick.
I look at my own recovery, I said in the story, I coined it Radical Will. There wasn’t a doctor or hospital that thought I could do it my way. Staying in the hospital was not an option. I learned to be the perfect anorexic while I was there, I was too far away from my family, and their idea of the therapeutic alliance was all wrong for my individual recovery for sure. I came home and told them I was putting together, “Team Corey.” It consisted of a very dedicated PCP, who saw me weekly for weigh ins and did my labs, I also had a nutritionist to work on food planning, a regular therapist and lastly the single most important person to my recovery, my eating disorders therapist. With all these women medical professionals watching out for my care, I couldn’t fall backwards that would never be allowed.
My road to well went unremarkable for many months. I put on a few pounds, and a few pounds more, but nothing to get me out of the darkness and give my body a much needed break from the starvation. It wasn’t until this fall, between here and there, that I realized I had just done enough to put the ambulances away. But I wasn’t living, I was still sick, I wasn’t succeeding. I carried on, my family and friends worried the whole time I played around. Come January I looked in the mirror. May would mark the two year point of my start of mania and euphoria with school. I knew I had little time to get it together.
I felt my loved ones and friends as well as doctors, begin to give up on me. I had put them through so much how could they honestly continue? It was just what I needed as March and April blended together. Yes I was in school, getting perfect grades, and still had my early morning time with work and my euphoria. I thought to myself, that I could only have mania and euphoria in the early morning with anorexia. And the perfect grades where garnered without any slip in the scale. No it wasn’t moving up like it needed to be, but I was maintaining my crazy, mayhem -laden lifestyle.
So when I merely slipped in my soccer slides in the last part of April, and fractured my bones and wrecked my knee. I knew instantly the fall was not hard or like off a latter, as one would think. These injuries were from the toll of the anorexia. I vowed to myself and to God as my witness, I would begin to put on weight to get to a more normal weight I needed to be. Since then I have gained 10 pounds, I know it doesn’t seem like a lot, when I have so far to go. But those ten pounds I put on were out of shear will. They killed my psyche as my smallest pants got a bit too tight, it pained me, I wanted to die, but I REALLY don’t want to die from this illness. So I went upstairs, and got some jeans that were aa bit bigger. I put them on, I double checked the size tag; yes they were bigger.
So today, I just got done eating some stew for breakfast, something I have been doing every morning. I feel with all the chaos with Jack dying, and Julia Bleu getting cancer I was tried. By the Grace of the Universe I somehow got through it all and didn’t lose any weight. Yes, that makes me smile. M ex-wife told me to eat a cupcake on Mother’s Day, I told her I would take it home. My Bella said, “Mommy, I will eat one with you.” It is this stuff that makes the tears run hard and fast like a gush of water. It breaks my heart, right now so fragile yet so strong, to think of Bella and all my loved ones I have hurt. I finally realized I was dying, and oh so close did I come. With that in my mind, and a leg on the mend, I want to run road races with Bella again. There is no place for this illness of discontent in my life.
I feel like I just accomplished so much putting on those ten pounds, but I mustn’t let up I have so far to go. I would like to put on another 10 pounds by mid-summer with training-with me its always been about my body in one shape or another. I am joining the gym today to start my workouts-they will be abbreviated with all my injuries.
So my story of recovery is quite simple I guess. I chose life. I chose life with my loved ones as long as I am blessed. I will never hurt my body again like I did. I am aware of the fall-out of my anorexia, I probably have long-term problems I will need to address.
To all the brave, courageous people still battling this disease: I pray you learn you are so much more than your weight. Don’t give up, yes there will be many hard, hard days no matter what. If you don’t have support outside your family please try to get some. I know my radical will is not for everyone, but I know it works, without the long struggle to get there. If anyone wants to talk, or needs me to listen, I am here my address is email@example.com. Please write me I will call you I will do what I can. I pass no judgements and wish no judgements had been cast on me. They did nothing but hurt me and get in the way.
This it Bella, for you this will be dedicated. I am only survived because of you ultimately. Now I am alive and well, eating for me. Bella I am sorry for the pain and all the worry. You are the greatest kid, and I am sorry I let this illness affect our life for two long years. To Camie thank you for all your love and support. But mostly for your friendship that hasn’t ceased in divorce. To my parents, I am sorry “I just didn’t eat!” I say that with a laugh but I wish you could understand me so much more. Lastly to my friends, priest, professors, and everyone else who was so kind to help me, I say Thank you, I will never forget a single act of kindness or compassion. I pray when this book is put all together by others than me, it will at least help one person, just one is what I ask. If my illness and story helps one person back to recovery, I will know this was what was needed for closure and my new Big Brave life with my rock, Stephanie, to begin.
BORN THIS WAY-2016