So after I got the humiliating feeding tube. It was almost time for dinner. I had no idea where that took place, so I stayed in my room and unpacked my suitcase. I wanted nothing more than my journal and pen. I needed to write more than I needed to eat I can surely tell you. I heard there was shuffling outside my room door, I wondered what it was, I stuck my head out into the hallway, everyone was lining up for dinner. “Corey, you need to take your jacket off, there are no sleeves or hoods in at dinner.” “But I am cold what I am to wear? “Okay Corey, keep your jacket on, put roll up your sleeves, please.”
“Dinner is open, no body talk, no food talk, please find your seat.” I found my seat, and had to deal with the three other people at my table. I was a little taken back by the surroundings, I was sitting in a very old room. Sitting with three girls, all much bigger than me., they weren’t talkative, they just stared at their empty plates. I had no idea where the food was, or what we were going to have to eat. I only ate Greek yogurt, 80 calories black cherry is my favorite. All of a sudden, a staff member spoke up, “We will call your table up to the food bar, and bring your plate on your table to be served.” What food was she talking about? I didn’t see it, and some people had apples, salads, and cottage cheese. I had eaten all day, not a thing, and there was nothing in front of me. I was hunger, that anorexic hungry; you wait a few moments and then it passes. Our table got called up to this heating service table, with a server standing behind it. I put my plate out and I had no idea what it was, but he plopped some on my plate. There were three things, I didn’t recognize. I really wanted a yogurt, or at least an apple. I raised my hand, “What is it Corey/” “Umm, I have some issues I am hoping you can help me out” “Corey what is exactly your issues.” “I cant eat any of this, may I have an apple like the others, or better yet a yogurt? I appreciate it, but I never would have ordered this food.” “Corey, you have your food. Tomorrow you will fill out a menu. If you don’t eat 100% of your food, you are scheduled for bolus protocol.” “What is bolus protocol? Is there a manual of this place and all its rules.?” “Corey, if you don’t eat 100% of your food, we will take a large plastic syringe, and plunge nutrients done your feeding tube. It is not something you want to happen. It isn’t pleasant for any of us” “This is not going to happen to me, I was never explained any of this. It is 5:30 and I have been at an eating disorders hospital since 9 am, and haven’t been offered a thing to eat. So I am done, and you best leave me alone. I will call the patient advocate, this isn’t a psych ward, I will not be treated like this.” “Are you all done with your fabulous newcomer show? Fine, leave, it will be reported tomorrow, and so will your refusal of the bolus. We will be in shortly to hook up your feeding tube and get that running for the rest of the night.” “Ok I am done, may I leave?” “Corey you are doing what you want to do, so leave if you want, it will be reported tomorrow morning.” I got up and pushed in my chair, I left without making any eye contact. As I got up to leave, people started cheering my name. I laughed a little but dreaded the night, and I was so hungry. I went to my room, flopped on my bed, and journaled how hungry I was in an eating disorders hospital.
The staff abruptly appeared at my bedroom door. “Time to get you up and running. Can you sit on the edge of your bed, with the side of tube pointed out at us.” “Am I going to feel anything,? I mean NO one has communicated with me thus far.” “Please, hold your head still, while we attach the bag from the machine right into your feeding tube. You shouldn’t feel anything, unless, there is a clog, and we will flush it out in the morning.” “So I am going to sleep with this on?” “Corey, our friend, you are going to live with it on, as long as your here.” “Oh I wouldn’t be so sure.” “Yeah we have heard it many times before. Let’s have a bet to see who is right.” “Okay, if I win you have to eat whatever they are serving at supper.” “If we win, you get an extra bolus, for making a scene, and us look like numb nuts.” ‘I did that, really? Then I guess I already won,” “We will see who is laughing tomorrow, the night report says Corey every other word.” “Sorry ladies, I am not afraid, especially of this shit box place.” “I am filling out my three day tomorrow, so we shall see who gets out of here.” “Impressive already signing a three day, you must be an expert on anorexia. Cant wait to look at your forms.” “Just for that bitches I am having them sealed. Want to see the real Corey? No low lifers like yourself will have access to any of my paperwork. Get a fucking degree, and some compassion while you are at it.” “Ok, Corey, gone to school we see. Big deal it doesn’t me shit around here I promise you that.” “Well good because I just wrote down what you said, verbatim, if you don’t know that means word for word. Professionalism is part of your JOB. I can be an ass because I am the patient. Guess we will both have our own reporting to do tomorrow morning. Are you done, if so you can leave. Your presence is bothering me.” “Good night sleep well, you are going to get it tomorrow.” “Go fuck yourselves I know you can do it, or otherwise help one another out.”
I was so pissed I didn’t know what to do. I began to write down everything since I got there, but that was fruitless, and I was starved. The machine kept making this whirring sound, I knew I probably wouldn’t sleep.
Next thing I know there is some dude standing over me with a flashlight and a blood pressure machine. ‘You, Corey?” “Yes” “I need to take your blood pressure sitting down and standing up” So I extended my arm and got through the next five minutes. “Put on a johnnie, and go out to get weighed.” “What get weighed right now?” “Yes we do it first thing in the morning.” So I went into the bathroom and took off all my clothes. I could tell I had lost more weight. It gave me my ticket to get out of hell. I would starve myself on this unit. Happy now, I stepped out into the hallway, and followed down to where people were lining up. I noticed I think I was the smallest. Couldn’t be right I wasn’t that sick. They must have another ward, and this must be the general population. “Corey, please step up and turn around.” I did what I was asked to do. “Please go get dressed, the medical team is waiting to see you.” Snickers and yays I heard through the crowd. I had no idea what was going on. I wheeled my pole with my bag of fluid, feeling like Linus and his blanket. I picked out my clothes, got ready and stepped back into the hall. “Corey, this way please,” Jane the medical director said. I said, “Ok, I am on my way.”
I got down the hall and there was this big room. Lots of people were sitting in there. There is no way they all could be for me? I found a chair and slumped right down. “Corey, we hear you had a very tough night.” “Yes I did, I had nothing to eat, funny since this is an eating disorders hospital. I was also never given a menu, so I had nothing all day, except for this stuff I pointed to the bag. I want to sign my three day release. I know it is my right, and I also want to see the patient advocate, before noontime so I can make my phone calls. This may be how you think you will treat me, but it isn’t going to fly. From my family to primary care, they wouldn’t want me here in a heart beat.”
“Corey are you through, may I speak,” said Jane. “I am done for the moment.” ‘Thank you Corey, you can surely sign the three day today if you really think it is necessary. I will also alert the patient advocate to come see you as soon as possible. Here is my concern, since you got here yesterday, today the scale is down three more pounds.” “Ha doesn’t look too good on you.” “Corey I am speaking hear me out. This isn’t going to work unless you cooperate. Could you at least try to comply?” “I will follow the rules, when I know what they are, and when I get to choose my food.” “Fine lets find you a menu for this breakfast, and the nutritionist will explain how to pick your food. I will see you later today. I will leave all the paperwork on our bed.”
And this is how the story will continue: Corey gets out of Walden by starving some more so they have no choice. I will have to come back but I will be going home as you will soon read.
BORN THIS WAY-2016