When I got the idea in my head, sitting in my room with this feeding tube running through my nose, I started thinking about my recovery. I thought I would make a plan to get a recovery plan through which I would get better.
I thought how I needed lots of different foods to eat, lots of choices for starters. Walden gave us no choices, it was either veggie or meat that is it. I have to get a hold of the menu, I need to get a copy to my nutritionist. I was eating but it wasn’t even making a dent. I am going to make these people squirm when I am done, collecting my information.
I thought about my Radical Will for anorexia and how I was going to go about it. I knew I needed a group to buy into my idea, perhaps my doctors back home….Without buy in and my own voice, Radical Will was just destined for the wayside. I had opted to do my best, and I tried to do the very best I could do, given the very limited situation I have been given. I thought about my angry thoughts, towards myself and my ravaged body. I thought about my mean minded thoughts, which are setting me a part from all the others.
I refrained from getting back in the bathroom, I got myself a ski cap, and started by covering my head up. I will not let my body be seen, it is train-wrecked with the saggy skin. What happened to me in the past two years, I wanted to be accountable for everything I was now feeling and experiencing?
“Corey?” “Yes, I am in my room. Come on in Jane.” “Can we go down to my office for a minute, or we can meet in here if you would rather?” “Oh can we meet in here?” “Sure Corey I need to get the rest of the team.”
I wondered what they wanted, or what new plan they had come up with. My mind was racing and my heart was pounding, ..I couldn’t take it much more. I needed to get my shit together, and I needed to work real hard, to formulate my thoughts about the therapeutic alliance, and how it wasn’t working at Walden. I also needed to do up an out-patient plan for myself, that would get me onto the path to healthy, before it was too late, and I would be just stuck here. I nervously thought about bringing up Christmas, it was Thursday, and I had to be heading home by next Wednesday. I had really changed myself around, from the last visit. I hope they took that into account, and shared it with my family. I was choking the food back, despite how vile it tasted. It made everyone so happy when I played by the rules.
“Corey, where are all here, can we just come in and sit on a bed?” “Sure move whatever stuff you need to move, I apologize fro being a pretty big slob. I never unpack no matter where I go. “Corey, we need to discuss your lack of progress. I know you have been very complaint I can see. Eating almost all of your meals, but Corey you have gained less than 3 pounds. The average gain on a tube is 3-4 pounds a week, and without the tube its like from 2-3 pounds of weight gain a week.”
“Jane I have been very complaint, and I need to bring up my own pressing things. First, I have to go home by next Wednesday, I can not miss Christmas with Bella.” “Corey that is why we are here, as we knew that would be a big one for you. We talked to your primacy care, and they are ready to receive you as soon as you get back to New Hampshire” “Thank you Jane, and all of you. I wanted to talk about some thoughts I had on the therapeutic alliance.” “Corey I would love to talk, but it can’t be now, could we schedule a phone conversation?” “Sure we can do that, I have some new ideas about treating people in recovery.” “Great we will get that phone call scheduled, and Merry Christmas to you.”
They all left as quickly as they arrived, and I got a feeling a really strong feeling, that they didn’t give a fuck about me. I would be a thorn in their side, and make them deal with me.
Born THIS WAY-2016