I went through the motions of Walden, and did my best to eat every meal. I knew this wasn’t curing a thing, because when I got home, I would be right back my old comforting routine. All I was doing was choking food down. Walden’s way or answer to dealing with the deep seeded causes of anorexia. I thought some more about my stay there, and I had been there three long weeks, and if I had gained any weight, it simply wasn’t close enough and this place was failing me this time. We had only one daily group session, and that was the most helpful of all the groups.
We had so much to talk about, I bet we could have doubled our allotted time, and still not heard everyone speak. It was a tragic situation, that Walden didn’t offer psychiatrists to all in patients on the floor. Everyone arrives anorexia from so many possibilities. There is no one thing fits all, and Walden’s eating plan was completely fucked. They didn’t have a real kitchen when they were in fact an eating disorders hospital. The vendor of the food, was honestly not okay. The food they served was usually uneatable, and the portions varied in size. So no two people never got the same amount, and it appeared that the server gave you more if you were bigger. I made some better friends on this trip to Walden, the younger tween group was nearly gone. it was nice to talk to real people, people like me who were worried about their kids, and people stressed out about jobs and school, it was nice to share that all in common. Coming up on week three, I realized I wasn’t making progress, although I was eating my food, and being almost 100% complaint. I thought and I pondered what the hell would help me, and getting out of Walden was definitely part of the solution.
One night after dinner I was on my bed writing in my beloved journal. I came across that quote I wrote down: “One day I decided I didn’t want to feel this way anymore. So just like that I changed.” This quote had been weighing heavy on my head since I came across it. I started to wonder if there was a way, to do away with most of this coddling and bullshit that took place here at Walden. Could there be a radical therapeutic alliance, that cut right down to the chase? Putting on weight is just the start of figuring out how your not going to slip back. I knew for me, the in-patient setting was hurting me in more ways than one. I was taken away from my support team, and thrust into an institution whose major goal was just to stick weight on you, and never get the roots of your problems. I needed to figure out why I got high when I was at home at losing weight. That was never going to happen at Walden, as nobody ever spoke to me directly, about my history and story of anorexia and me.
I went to bed that night, feeling pretty blue. Christmas was like a week away, and once again I would gone home for that, regardless of what Walden had to say….I hadn’t gained any weight, yet was much more stable than before. Falling asleep, it just came to me, that quote I had been wrestling with, was a concept in anorexia, I deemed “Radical Will” It meant just what it said, radical will was a will you pushed through even though your feelings weren’t there, you did it in spite of itself. Wow, I flipped my bedroom light on, and wrote as quickly I could, in my journal and my concept of anorexic Radical Will. Forget the long patient stays, and replace them psychiatrists for starters. I couldn’t write anymore, the rest would have to wait until later, when I could journal a lot more, about this subject and how it would pertain to me, and getting home for Christmas.
BORN THIS WAY-2016