I think it is safe to say that a lot of people eat less in the summer with the heat. No excuses for sure but my ED therapist Pam who I still see weekly, thinks it is time to return to seeing the entire team weekly again. Its a bummer of a news flash. I was down to just my primary care and Pam. I had let go of my other therapist and Amber my nutritionist. As many of you know I am just now writing my story, The Illness of My Discontent-My Imperfect Storm in pieces here on my blog. I am as far as seeing Pam. Today I write about the fall out of the appointment and more unexpected health issues.
I have this pretty much under control except for when I have a strong gain in weight that seems too quick for me. Then there is the issue of my inability to maintain weight and to gain weight to my goal of 110 pounds. Yeah I still am working on it. However with Radical Will I have not relapsed to the point of needing hospitalization for weight restoration. I think and feel that is good, and was one of my major points of Radical Will. I didn’t want to be a lifer or be readmitted for another feeding tube ever.
My mind has its demons. We all have demons. Mine in relationship to my anorexia are very busy at the moment. Thoughts of deprivation haunt me as a recourse for my misplaced agitation. I think often about restricting. I wonder and ponder could I ever be the perfect restrictor I once was? I realize these are far from recovery on one hand but closer in another way to recovery. I am so far removed from the restricting that I have to now ponder it as a possibility.
I honestly tell you My Imperfect Storm last time was done with world class restriction. I did not eat, and kept myself alive. Barely yes, very ugly; truly. I am lost at the moment the attention I did not ever want in relationship to my disease has dissipated. Everyone just tells me I need to eat but everyone has relaxed, except me. I once in a blue moon go upstairs and look at the tiny clothes I could never get into again.at this moment. I think do I go for it one more time? The thrill and the ecstasy were such an adrenaline boost it was crazy. I have one pair of my smallest jeans, with perfect holes in them. If I were to regress and head south those are the pants that would be my aspiration.
Probably not the best things to have in my house. I have yet to part with any of my smaller clothes. The difference between when I was on ice but a tich better is a 17 pound weight difference than right now. I just realized it was 17 pounds and not 10 like I have thought. So in a year of Radical Will I have gained 27 pounds. No matter what anyone says about my mind still being not healthy I have achieved a lot in the weight gain department even if my mind has sick thoughts. I don’t act upon them at least I haven’t and it has been a year and a half since I first saw my ED therapist Pam.
I would ultimately like to loose that 17 pounds. I believe if I ate correctly and optimized my nutritional intake with the food I did eat I could be healthy. My goal weight is 110-112 at 68 inches tall. Before I got sick I was a slim and slender muscle machine at 130 pounds.
My biggest point I am trying to make is my body at least. adjusts to less over time and I am able to maintain better health at a weight which once made my homeostasis all off balance.
Today I am trying with my smoothie. It is just me at home with my dog Julia Bleu. We are on our own. Stephanie gets here by 6 pm everyday and we are finally a couple. Well sort of. We still are completely platonic but have plans to go away and change that. We are both so excited.
So how do I process my demons over deprivation? I am not sure what the answer is or if there is an answer. I know I am on a very slippery slope, I could post tomorrow and be in fact restricting. I think and feel confident that I can keep myself out of danger and out of the hospital. It is so energizing to think about the restriction routine and what it looks like and feels like to me.
Our lives are a cluster of continuous moments. How will I string together my moments today? I have to call the rest of my Radical Will team back and get appointments set up again. I am so in over my head at this moment, the demons are working me hard. I have had part of my smoothie today and will finish this morning. I think this fourth of July weekend is going to prove to be a turning point one way or the other.
Right now I am going to get working on the Clinton Campaign. Need to stay out of my head, and thinking getting out on this rainy day, might be in my best interest preservation wise. I send you all healthy wises, and will write the next post of my story today. I will do my best to be strong and mindful of how far I have come. The work has been excruciating at times, but I am happy I am still only pondering unhealthy thoughts. I am not acting on them thanks be to God.
BORN THIS WAY-2016