Month: July 2016

Leaving Walden Was It a Mistake? part 5

We jetted down to the mall a couple of towns away, and went into this completely over-packed shopping fiesta all in search of Santa.  Until this moment, I hadn’t thought about the ramifications of the little kids, waiting while a big person sat on Santa’s lap and told him the long list of must have’s for Christmas or at least the New Year.  It was like 5 pm and I said to Stephanie as we looked at the massive, curling and double curling line to see Santa, “Do you want to go to Best Buy, Ulta

, and Barnes and Noble first? The line might die down.” “Okay, but sweetie I am worried you are out doing too much today. Can we please just slow it down and we will get everything done. How about we go to Chipotle? You love that pork salad bowl there?” “Okay, that would buy as more time, before dealing with Santa. “These little kids were starting to intimidate me.

We walked back out of the mall and had to drive to the place where everywhere we wanted, or I should I wanted to go was located.  Stephanie piped in, “Chipotle first? I think it would be best for you to eat something, and I am sort of hungry too.” “Stephanie, if you are hungry of course we will go there first. Is this all about me? It is isn’t it? I am so sorry, and I don’t know how to fix it.” “Corey, I love you, you are my only and best friend, nothing is just about you; you wont allow it,” “You sure/” “Corey Britton, I will attack you right here if you don’t snap out of it.” Okay, I snapped out of it.” “What are you going to have?” I asked Stephanie. I couldn’t remember what she got here. “I think I will have a taco bowl with chicken and guacamole.” “Sounds perfect,” I answered.  She knew my order exactly, so I left her to go in search of a blessed table. It is so hard to get seating in this place. Oh great, I found a table for two. I don’t like it when it is just us and we take up a table for four.

Stephanie arrived with the tray overflowing with food. I offered to go get our drinks.  I was actually feeling pretty good, until I sat down and looked at my food. All this, I have to eat? I immediately got tense and Stephanie noticed it. “Corey, just eat some meat with the sour cream, you always pick at these back at the house.” “Okay, I will eat some meat. How is yours my friend?” “As good as the last time. Yes, before you ask, yes I would order it again.” “I have this habit of asking people if they would order their food again. I did it after every meal, home or out.  “I will order mine again,” I said trying to be funny. “You didn’t get chips” I said. I will go get you some.” “No I am really fine with the food, and watching the company not touch their bowl except for one bite.” “Sarcasm, not like you my usually demur and lovingly sweeet friend. Here’s bite number two.” I took a bite of my pork with sour cream and reached across the table to give it to Stephanie. “Oh really nice,” she smirked.  I ate a couple more bites, but the diversion of the trip had been triggered off course by the food. I needed to eat, so I wasn’t mad, I just have such a hard time eating. Then my stomach kills after.  If you haven’t had an eating disorder you have no idea what type of pain I am talking about.  It is crippling, and sometimes heat packs, which I couldn’t use here, sometimes work a little bit.  I was done eating but I didn’t want Stephanie to rush. I felt badly we never ate like two normal people. I went and got a to-go lid and wrapped up my food.  Stephanie was happy I could tell, I think she thought I would be away for the holidays. We would have seen each other at Walden, it obviously wouldn’t have been the same. As I looked at her from a distance, I thanked God, for her and her amazing friendship. I would be lost without her. “Alright, that hit the spot, and I am just going to throw my stuff away.” “I got it” I said and walked over to the trash bin.

Next thing you knew we were out in the cold again. My stomach was killing me, but I wasn’t going to say anything to Stephanie. We ran into the stores, they were all so crowed and everyone was so grouchy. Put a damper on my mood, with my stomach ache that was the worst. We got the bare minimum of the things we needed to get, and then I saw Staples. I love Staples. I never need a thing from Staples because I have already bought everything, but I cant pass one and not go. “Please may we? I know I need nothing, and I am losing steam, but it is  Staples.” “Five minutes, Corey, and I bet you ten dollars all you look at are pens and journals.” I took off as I knew she really meant five minutes, but my stomach cramps were getting worse.  I went to the pens, and bought refills for the pens I use, and I quickly went down the journal aisle.  I always needed a new journal. I had no idea where Stephanie was but I made my way to the front of the store to get into a longline. Maybe I didn’t need these things so much after all? Stephanie found me, laughed out loud, “What don’t want to wait half an hour for your must have refills and journals? ‘I could kill you. “No I don’t want to wait, do you think the line has gone down at Santa? “Let’s just go there and do it. It is something you really want to do.” “Yes until I saw all those vicious kids, who are going to be angry at me. I know I will tell them my daughter is sick and needs me to talk to Santa.” “Very good plan, they will be all your friends with that line.”

We walked into the mall and now my stomach hurt so much I told Stephanie I needed to sit down. She looked worried, but I mentioned it was just my stomach and I needed to sit still for a few minutes. We people watched and that was fun. Regular zoo parade, if you know what I mean. All of a sudden it hit me, I had already gone through today, and my eating was okay, but my activity was too high, what if the scale was down in the morning. Oh I felt really sick, and couldn’t get the scale out of my head. “Okay, I am ready for Santa, but is Santa ready for me?” “Let us go see,” smiled Stephanie.

We got over to the Santa area and he was not there. Oh my fuck, they closed at 7 pm. I missed him! I wanted to cry, but I was pissed too, as the sign was very small and not easy to see. “Corey, we will come when they open tomorrow, it is not a big deal.” “You know how I feel like when I say I want to accomplish something on a certain day?” “I know, but we cant fix it now, tomorrow we will get up and come. Come on Corey, you are so tired, I feel guilty being out with you. Let me go get the car, and meet me by the entrance over there.” “Okay” So I didn’t get to see Santa, I had my list already written out. Maybe I would change it by tomorrow. Gosh I felt sick, I wanted to puke, and get this crap out of my body. I cant puke as hard as I have tried, when people ask if I am a bulimic, I go nuts and say I am a complete restrictor. It is kind of like the hierarchy eating disorders. At least that is what anorexics who restrict think. Everyone else thinks we are just shit, and unkind for creating a pecking order. Seems natural to me, but you really cant talk about it, as it freaks the freaky out of people. I just keep my superior thoughts to myself, which is why my fucking stomach will not quit. Maybe it was the sour cream. I ate like three bites, but that is enough. I walked over to the exit and Stephanie was already waiting there. “That was fast!” I said “Yes, I ran all the way, to get out of the cold. The car should warm up in a minute. All your seat warmers are on high. Do you want a couple heating packs for your stomach?” “Oh my God yes! I am in so much pain. It wont go away, I think it was the sour cream.” I put the heating pads on my stomach, and tried to close my eyes and relax.

My mind was on fire with all these mangled thoughts: not enough weight on the scale, cant possibly do Radical Will… would not stop, and I didn’t feel like I wanted to bother or worry Stephanie. My head, my servant, my master, and know my fucking worst enemy! I could only think about weigh in tomorrow, usually Stephanie doesn’t ask me. But because we did so much today, and I want to go out tomorrow, she will ask me in some sort of way. I don’t know what I will do, if the scale is down 2-3 pounds. I usually know the night before, I had eaten okay for me, but my energy was way up there. There would be a drop in the scale, and of course there was my mother. “How’s the scale today?” I could just hear it now, and it is something I don’t lie about. I stopped telling fibs when I was 19. My mother was the only one I lied to. She didn’t approve of my life style, or lets just say the beautiful women she never got to see, but kept me out all hours of the day and night. Sometimes she would ask me, “Where are you going?” I would be honest and say a club, and then came her attitude. So one day I had, had it with her. She asked me, “What are you doing?” I replied, “Do you want the truth or do you want me to tell you what you want to ear?” She got the point, and I don’t fib anymore, I am the worse liar. I out myself at the drop of a dime, people get so pissed at me. Don’t ask me to lie or to fabricate, although I do come up with great stories for others.  No matter what, my mother thinks I “tell falsehoods” as she calls them. No mom, you have not a clue, and please get with it, I mean how many years to work your IPad, and use the apps? You are supposed to be pretty intelligent, but my gosh she gets an idea in her head, and she makes herself believe it although it isn’t true. Thank goodness for my father, he has saved my ass so many times. She gets upset with me, that I want to go lay down in my bed and watch my Netflix. Tells me, well you are very antisocial. I could go on its another story, right now I cant handle tomorrow, the scale, and the calendar counting down. “Stephanie, what are you doing? I know why I have been quiet, but what are you thinking about?” “I was thinking probably what you were thinking….I know when you get lost in your head about weight. You are worried tomorrow the scale is going to be down, and so am I. How do you think I look to your family as your friend, who you lose weight with?” “Fine, don’t stay here. You can go home, I think I would if I could. Why would you stay in this bloody fucked up mess?” “Not the answer I wanted. You are not being nice.” Oh she said it, and I am a sucker for this, I never want to hurt a girl’s feelings, and they catch on and use it as psychological warfare. “I am very sorry, I am stressed about a lot of things, and I should never talk to you like that. I have so much stuff in my head.” “Do you want to talk about it? she sadly said. “No, I do I just think I need to decompress. Do you mind if when we get to the house, I just get ready for bed? I want to sleep on the top floor. Are you okay with that? I don’t want you to bring anything up, we will deal with like Santa, tomorrow.”

We pulled into the driveway, and made our way up to the porch. Julia Bleu, the pug, was so happy to see us. Why cant my mother be like that? I don’t need her to be a rocket scientist, just an unconditionally loving pug. Is that too much to ask for? We got up to the first floor, where all of stuff was located in the guest room.  “I will just run into the bathroom, and do my face and my teeth. Don’t, please, worry about doing a single thing around here.” I went to the bathroom and stared at that piece of shit scale with all my numbers taped to the wall. God could I hate myself anymore than I do right now? I did my face and my teeth, and Stephanie was in the kitchen still putting away groceries. “Okay, it is yours, unless you are going to use the one upstairs? ” “No I will be just a minute. Corey, do you think you can eat a bite or two of yogurt?” I wanted to cry, I wanted to say no, but I didn’t want to disappoint my best friend. “Yes, I will eat a couple bites, it should be fine back in the refrigerator tonight, right?” “Yes it will be fine.”

I ate some yogurt, it actually made my stomach feel better. I put the rest away, put the spoon in the dishwasher. I then climbed the stairs, two more sets to go. All I could think of is all this is doing is burning more calories. I was so happy to see my bed. I splurged and the bedding is right out of a 5 star hotel. My biggest sin, is luxury hotels, sparing no expense. I started to pullback all the layers, and move the 10 pillows about. Stephanie made her way up to the top floor, and helped me with the bedding. We got into the bed, my stomach was still killing me. I had too much on my mind, and ask Stephanie if she wanted to watch Orange is the New Black. She said that sounded great. I just wanted to take my mind mess and dump it on the floor. Stephanie came over to me, where I was playing with the remote controls, the Bose sound system went off at 10, nearly causing me a heart attack. What the fuck? How did that happen? One answer, my precious Bella. Yes, this was a sign she had been getting all snuggly in my bed. I got everything figured out, and Stephanie put her arm around me, so I could lay my head down. My mind was just racing, scared, stressed, and otherwise not specified.  I remember looking at the clock 11;10 pm. I would be up by 3:00am to weigh myself and get my second day of Radical Will underneath my belt.  Good Night Santa, I will have words for you tomorrow……




Leaving Walden ‘I AM GOING TO FAIL’ part 4

I was laying on bed crying.  I was crying for so many reasons I couldn’t concentrate on one single sad thing. Everything just kept hitting me at once. Thoughts of the parentalizing I did to Bella, making her worry about her mommy starving herself? What kind of person was I to hurt my child so deliberately? Then I moved on to thinking about Stephanie, and how amazing she has been in my life. Not just for a little bit, but constantly since we met now almost two and half years ago. She just gives and gives, and all I do is take, I think of the day I can treat Stephanie like the queen she deserves to be treated as, it is such a happy day for me. She is not used to the that type of attention, but once I am better she is in for it.  I really hoped she didn’t come in here and see me crying, I know she knows this adjustment is quite bad. I think of Christmas, just days away, and all of the shopping I need to muster the strength up to do in the next few days.  I put off my worst thoughts until now, and I just bawl, I have to find a way to make Radical Will happen, and get successful and comfortable all at once, with gaining this weight I am not ready to face. Two weeks is mot enough time, but I don’t have a day or minute longer. I know every body’s eyes on me, and could I finally own my words to my actions when it came to this eating disorder.

I cried so much, my nose was stuffy, I reached for a Kleenex, and out popped my belly! Oh my gosh, I am getting a belly no way? How could this happen I just weighed myself.  I wiped away my tears, and for like the millionth time asked Stephanie to come into the bedroom. “Stephanie, I hate to ask you, but do I look like I have gained some weight?” “No sweetie, in fact you look more frail than ever, how about an applesauce?” I think about the clock ticking towards two weeks, and say, “Yes, I will take the applesauce.”  I don’t mind eating it because it is only sixty calories, and I douse it in the really expensive cinnamon. I put it on and it acts as a metabolizer so I eat it all the time. Stephanie brought it in, and sat on the bed. I put my applesauce down, and laid my head in her lap, where I felt so safe and so protected from life’s brutal truths of mine. I mentioned to Stephanie, later on that evening I wanted to share with her some of the things in my head. She said she was about half way through, so she was going to let me rest. I ate the applesauce, and put the container on the night stand. The worry I felt was too much for me to hold inside. I had never cried so much as I was crying now, probably because things have never got this bad before. I got out my journal and I stared at the blank page, I knew not what to say…..the tears were starting to get the journal pages wet, I grabbed another Kleenex, and just loathed my pathetic monster of a shell of a body, I was the invert of the pearl in the oyster. I couldn’t think of my face, and all that the weight loss had done to it. Then it fucking hit me, I could be dead, I have hurt so many people that love and care for me, and I am crying over my broken body, and my wretched face, that wouldn’t let me look into a mirror anymore. I thought, how will I ever come back from all of this? I was dumping my world of problems in today’s lap and it was too much too take.

I started to feel faint, like I couldn’t catch a breath. I knew it was nerves and probably a panic attack, for which there is no medication. Obviously as serious as they are to the patients, they don’t get much attention from the pharma industry….they can build a pill for a limp dick, but not a panic attack? What the fuck, I honestly don’t care for middle aged men, there is nothing attractive about them to me. All hairy, and wanting to be waited on, Then knowing they swallow a blue pill at my expense. I should really write a paper on Viagra and there being no panic attack medication.  I see the panic attack medication, you either inhale it or spray it in your mouth. It quells the panic attacks right on the spot. I knew I had to make a plan- at least a rough plan, At least for the stuff I needed to do in the next few days. I was so lucky to have Stephanie home with me, or it would be my mother, and I would probably go back to Walden.

I wrote down today’s date, and just put my pen down.. I couldn’t get the tears, the pain, and all the shame I felt to go back into its nicely packaged box that I kept it in. What was wrong with me? WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME? It was an answer so many people wanted to know, but what if the answer had something to do with them? Pam, my eating disorders therapist, told me I am an extremely high achiever coupled with perfectionism; she would not let me own. It didn’t strike me as much as a problem, until I read these stories and articles on anorexia and one of the components can be overbearing parenting. Now this usually happens with teenagers, but I was just an outlier with a very demanding mother. She never pushed for me to to get to the top, but every time I did, she added it to my stat sheet. She would give me a little praise, or maybe sometimes a little more, but she bragged embarrassingly to all her friends. I was her kid who did it all, lest you but the liking women in the closet. Gosh I wish those were the days….when my mother thought I liked girls and I didn’t like anybody, and she demanded I go to therapy. So I went to therapy and sat for an hour in silence, where the psychologist told her I was just fine, that my mom had the issues, and maybe she should come back! That made me laugh, it was a truly a great moment, and right now truly great moments are hard to come by. I wrote on my list to move up to my bedroom, which I realized although I didn’t have the strength, I could work on that now. so That way after Stephanie was done she  could  take me to see Santa, I was definitely sitting on his lap, and telling him all the things I needed for this Christmas.

I started to pack up a few suitcases I had opened, but most of the stuff, just needed to be carried up to the third level, where the master floor was.  It was so ridiculous, the third floor was like its own living space. I had put in a counter size refrigerator, and built a bar, just for shits and giggles. Everyone always wanted to stay on that floor, but other than Stephanie and Bella nobody every has slept in my bed. No not even a hook up, no never that! When that was happening all the time (boy were those the days) I would pack a bag almost every night.

I started to try to carry the suitcase down the hall, it was just so freaking heavy, I was making a lot of noise and Stephanie came out of the kitchen. “Corey what are you doing?” “I am trying to get stuff off my list for today. I need to get all the stuff up to the floor.” Stephanie was calm, but I detected a hint of annoyance, “Corey you cant do that, the bags are too heavy and they need to go up two sets of stairs. Please sweetie, I am almost done, and then we can get to this.” “Stephanie, I want to go to the mall when you are finished, I need to sit on Santa’s lap.” Stephanie burst out laughing, but I was dead serious, I needed all the help Santa could give me, and I wasn’t going to waste another single day. Stephanie brought her crazy laugh to a stifle, and said, I am just about done. Why did we let your parents buy all that food? We never could eat it all.  Then your mother will look sweetly at me, and ask what are you having for dinner tonight?” Now I laughed real hard, because it was true, and because my mother being French would be all into Stephanie’s business what did she do with that, what did she serve with this? Stephanie was in for pure hell, she could have called them like I asked her and told them we would take care of it. My gosh we are 38 and 35 year old adults, who don’t need to be taken grocery shopping especially to four stores!

“Thank you Stephanie, no I mean a BIG thank you, for all you do help me, and put up with my family. I love you and I hope I can be the friend I once was to you.” “Corey, you never left, I am so grateful you didn’t push me away, like you have with everyone else.  I was thinking, maybe we should invite the gang over with all this food, before the holiday, and let you say hi to everybody.” “I will only do it, as I do miss my friends, if you give them the Corey speech. No asking me how I am feeling, no fakes’ you look great’, no mention about Walden, everyone knows where I have been, Plus, I have no idea what you tell them, so for all I know they know everything. Just kidding, you wouldn’t be here if I didn’t trust you. I really am so grateful to you.”

It was getting late, so we put on our gear, and I started Stephanie’s car from the window. I bought her the car starter because I loathed

cold cars, and with anorexia, 50 degrees is like 0 outside. We jumped in the car, I was really run down, but thoughts of Santa brought me a new burst of energy.



Leaving Walden “The Brave New World” part 3

I awoke at the maniac’s hours, and took Julia Bleu to get my coffee drink, and get home and take my golden elixir. It had been so long since I had it, I think I went half-way blissed out.  I didn’t have any school work to do, my desk was a wreck, but I needed to do something. I got out a new journal and started writing the date on it. I finished with my name, and I began to write frantically.

So many pent up thoughts, that I didn’t want to share with anyone else quite yet.  I immediately felt bad, thinking of my day ahead of me with my parents, going grocery shopping.  Honestly let me add to the list of not what to do with an anorexic patient gets home from in in-patient stay.  I already knew I wanted to stay in my pajamas all day, and watch movies on end, and pretend my life wasn’t so in the pits.  The one bright spot, was that I would see my daughter, Bella.  After school, she would come right over, and the look of relief on her face, would make me well up with tears.  I have put my daughter through so much worry and I cant take it back.

I continued to write in my journal, marveling at these new sharpies, that were fine tipped and did not bleed, perfect writing utensil for me. I wrote about my fears, and not leaving up to my goals, and wondering how I could ever accomplish them, without the help of Pam, my eating disorders therapist.  I knew she would take one look at the plan and say unreasonable.  We didn’t get sick in three months, we are not getting to well in four.  She was my saving grace, I often wondered if she suffered with her own eating disorder, she was also very frail.  It was now about 5:50 am the time I feed Julia Bleu, and take her out on the town for a walk. It just makes her so happy. I called Julia Bleu, and asked if she wanted to eat, and she went all pug crazy on me. We went to the kitchen and I made her breakfast, and loaded the dishwasher. After Julia Bleu was done, I left my pajamas on, and just throw on a parker and hat, I wasn’t planning on running into anyone.

We headed out into the chilly air, Julia Bleu had missed her walks. At my ex-wife’s house she has two acres so Julia Bleu goes out and does her business but doesn’t get the exercise she craves. We have so many loops we do, but today, being my first day home, I decided on a short loop, which took us through the center of the town, where we had lots of windows to look in. We made it home, and got inside and I heard my name I thought. It couldn’t be Stephanie it is way too early for her…..”Corey, is that you with Julia Bleu?” “Yes, what are you doing up so early?” “Do you want me to go back to bed?” “No silly, but I am fine, I am going to sit down and eat a yogurt. If my mother asks what I ate today I will handle it. I am already edgy about seeing them and going food shopping. Pam would not think this is a healthy idea.” Stephanie rubbed my arm and said, “I am sorry for all that you are going through.” I put down my spoon, and looked at Stephanie straight in the eyes, “I did this to me, and to all the people I love and care about. Please don’t be sorry for me, what I have coming I certainly deserve, and probably more of it than I will get.” I got up, and kissed her on the head. She was so my rock, I would be lost without her, and wouldn’t stand a chance. “I am sorry I gave you my angry eyes, but this is all my fucking masterpiece. I get to go to the fucking grocery store with my parents? What the hell, don’t they have a clue, I am a grown up and need to take responsibilty for my actors.”

I left the kitchen, and told Stephanie I was gong to the study if she wanted to join me. “Let me guess, a new minted journal?” ‘How did you know, am I that predictable?” I got comfy on the couch with Stephanie by my side, I honestly adored her but could not admit it, what would she want with a loser like me? Stephanie looked at her phone, “Oh may your parents will be here soon.” “Of course they come at the crack of dawn, not thinking I might just want to be in my house.” “Let’s get our happy on, Corey Britton. This whole thing will go much faster. Although we haven’t menu-planned.” “I will call my mother, and tell them to come later.” “Please don’t Corey, I can through a menu-plan together in the car.”

We both got silent and I thought of Radical Will, and how I was going to fail, and end up right back at Walden. I got dressed, I did my face, hair, and my teeth. My mother would not like what I was wearing, I hoped she knew today was not the day to voice opinion on anything.  She has this problem with ripped jeans, I love my ripped jeans and I work on them. When I lived at home, my favorite ripped pairs would just disappear and she was the only one who did laundry. Not even up to this day, where as adults we have told them all the stuff we really did, she still hasn’t owned my jeans.

The doorbell rang and Stephanie went to let my parents in. My mother took one look at me, “Corey how did you get even smaller?” “Mom because the place is ass backwards, and you wouldn’t listen to me. I brought home all my paperwork so you could see I was complaint. I really don’t want this day to revolve all this.” “Too late,” said my father, a kind and gentle man who didn’t mince his words together. “I really can do the shopping with Stephanie, later today. Mom if you are just going to wear that face, that has something to say but wont say it. Just come on out with it. “Its those jeans, they have tears, and its very cold outside.” “Mom, I am wearing these jeans, yes I am gong to wear them for one straight week, because I am an adult and can do what ever I want to do. “Fine,” said my father, “Can we get on moving. Now that we are through the pleasantries.” “I need to grab my jacket.” “And a hat too,” quipped my mother.  “Stephanie thank you so much for all your help.” “Yes it spares her from having to deal with me,” I said like a child.

We went outside and it was cold. I got into the heated car, and Stephanie squeezed my hand, letting me know she could deal with my mother. I don’t remember a lot about the trip. We stopped at like 4 grocery stores. My mother was her bossy Franco-American way tells us all what to do. I said very little, as I was deep in my head. What if I had made a mistake, and I did come home too early? I wondered how honest I could be with Pam, tonight I was going to tell Stephanie everything. My energy was low, great almost lunch time. Only in my family could you shop for groceries until it was time to go out to eat. My mother knows I HATE going out to eat, but she is going to say, we all need to eat, its been a busy day. Sure enough, my father got into the car, and said, “Marie where we going for lunch?” “I am waiting until I get home, you just bought me close to 400.00 of groceries.” “Corey, listen there is this new Italian place, you love eggplant and theirs is delicious. Isn’t it good Frank? Sure, whatever you all want to do.  I squeezed Stephanie’s hand in frustration, but I was so glad she was there.

We made it to the restaurant and I pushed my food around on my plate. “May I have a to go box? I will eat this later.” “Corey, you honestly didn’t eat a thing.” “How could you tell if you were eating your own food? I learned this at Walden. Concentrate on your food, and your food only. I think it should become a new family rule.” “OK, two weeks to see improvement,” said my mother with some hurt in her voice. We got home, I couldn’t even look at that the food, my parents rushed right out. “Thank you both, I love you very much, and I wont wear these jeans tomorrow, if you come and take me to the mall. I have to go some Christmas shopping.” “I will call you later,” replied my mom. “We love you both,” as they happily departed.

I couldn’t fathom ALL the food on the floor and on the table, and on the counters. “Stephanie I know you want to get this all organized, mind if I go lay down?” “No not all, you alright?” “Yes just a bit overwhelmed. Will you come join me when you are finished?” “You KNOW I will, don’t be silly.” “Thank you Stephanie, I really adore you.”

I went into the guest bedroom, because all our stuff was there. It felt weird not being in my room. I felt fat, my jeans were tight, and I rolled over and started to cry. How could I make one improvement today? I had to do somethingreal fast. I would eat my lunch as part of my dinner, and not eat a Greek yogurt. I started to cry even harder, my back was so far pushed up against the wall. I felt all alone, and couldn’t wait to tell Stephanie, how I really felt. Now I just cried, pity tears for pathetic me. The one who starved themselves can you believe that?



Leaving Walden “The Fork” part 2

I awoke at like 11 pm at night, much out of sorts.  I vaguely remembered the limo, Carole, Boston, and my PARENTS!  Oh my gosh, what were my parents thinking?  What did they know….Carole was awful in these situations and liked to cause my mom unnecessary grief.  I sat up in bed, look over, there was no Stephanie. That was weird because she wasn’t one to stay up late at night.

I walked down the hallways, towards the kitchen where the light was on. There was Stephanie in her robe cooking pancakes at this hour.  “What are you doing?” I asked as I came over and gave her a squeeze.  “Making you your favorite blueberry pancakes.” “Now?”  “It is 11 pm”  “Corey you have been asleep since 1 pm, and I was going to wake you to eat if you didn’t wake up.”  “Wake a sleeping bear?” “Right you are such a bear.” I went and get out the plates, napkins and silverware, but the table was all set.  Stephanie and I played such a great game at house together it seemed unlikely that, that wouldn’t be the case if we got together.  “Is there anything I can do to help?” “How about calling your mother……?”  “Oh really?”  “Does she know about Carole and the champagne and the trip to the Four Seasons?” “Yes and she is not mad, she said it has been a long time since Corey pulled a Corey and it was really nice to see.” Stephanie

continued, “She does want to hear from you no matter what time it is, and she made me promise not to let you put her off until tomorrow.”

I called my mom, sort of nervously, but what was she going to say, maybe she didn’t know all about Carole? “Good evening!” I signed and took a deep a breath, “Hi Mom I just woke up, and Stephanie made me call you, why it is so late at night?”  “I am doing fine I just woke up, and Stephanie is making me pancakes as we speak. Thank you for the limo, I had a good time! I picked up Carole and we went to the Four Seasons.” “Did the driver tell your dad you drank champagne at 9 am?” “I am going to report that driver for having a big indiscreet mouth.”  “Corey, he was telling your dad about  the fun you seemed to have had, we couldn’t be anymore happier for you.” “Well Mom I need to go eat my pancakes they are ready. I will call you tomorrow.” “Oh Corey, didn’t Stephanie tell you, we are picking up you both to go to the grocery store at 10 am?”  “No she hadn’t told me that quite yet. I love you both and I will see you tomorrow morning.”

I looked at Stephanie like I was trying to be mad.  She was supposed to be my Forte Knox and keep my parents at bay.   “So my parents are coming tomorrow morning?” “Corey your mother was not taking no for an answer.” I ate a bite of pancake, it tasted so good, I believe I inhaled all two pancakes without even taking a breath.  “Those were delish, thank you very much!” “You are welcome Corey, I am sorry about your parents.” No,” I said, “I know how mom can be, I am really grateful your here and staying with me.  I know I don’t say a lot about my feelings, but it is always better when you are here with me.” I got up and started to clear the table off. Stephanie got up to help, and I motioned for her to sit.  You cook I clean, that is the deal….right? Yes but it is so late why don’t we rinse the plates off and stack them up, I think there is a clean load of dishes already in the washer.”  “Fine with me.” I was starting to feel the ill effects of the pancakes on my body. I never ate that much food, and it has been a while since I ate food like that.  “I am going to go lay down, my stomach is bothering me, I am sorry.” Stephanie looked at me with her gorgeous eyes, “No need to apologize, do you want an instant heating pack?” “Oh yes please, can you bring like two?”

I went into  the guest room, since that is where everything was, and laid on my side it was an uncomfortable time.  My body hurt, and my mind was heading south. How could I have just eaten those two pancakes? I felt fat and bloated, crawling out of my skin.  I couldn’t get my body comfortable and my mind was in the trash can. I thought about tomorrow and shopping with everyone. I just felt sicker the more that I thought, the idea of Radical Will was haunting me alive. What a brilliant idea, to come up with two weeks.  It could be down and I would do it, it was just going to be shear hell.  I realized I hadn’t spoken to Stephanie in awhile. She was flipping through the Economist one of my parents splurges on me.  “Stephanie I am sorry for going off in my zone. It is nothing personal I hope I can get to the point where I can share it with you.” “Corey Britton, you are so darn sweet.  Even when you don’t feel good, you make others feel special. I really appreciate that.”

“Why don’t you go get ready for bed first? I know your tired and you look like you are fading.” I got up and touched her shoulder, it was the most I could do, I was paralyzed from hugging and being demonstrative with her for some reason. I headed into the bathroom, and wished I could purge.  Not a chance of that happening unfortunately for me.  I got into my pjs and brushed my teeth, washed my face, and hands, I put lotion all over my face, something had to take away these lines on my face.

I went into the bedroom, and Stephanie had gotten ready for bed earlier on. She went into the bathroom, and I thought about the upcoming days and weeks.  I really had no idea how I was going to make it.  I had to do it, or all hope would be lost, and I would be a lifer in and out of Walden.  Stephanie entered the room, and I asked her if I could shut off the lights.   “Sure are going to come snuggle with me?” “Yes if that is alright, I would like to snuggle you.” “Come on over and get cozy and comfy.” I couldn’t think of anything else except this Radical Will. “Good night Stephanie, thank you for all you did. Can I tell you something?” “Of course you can tell me.” “I don’t want to talk about it, but I am really scared.”



Leaving Walden Part 1

I was in the third seat of the limo my family sent to bring me home,…they knew I would prefer a limo to a Benz or Audio listening to questions and what were all my answers.  I took this moment to totally enjoy myself.  I selected 70s disco music, took my shoes, and all my coats, and hats off, and finally much to the driver’s chagrin I put up the console to block him out, unrolling it one time, to see how to make a long distance phone call. The first song was Soul Sister Soul Sister. I cranked that baby up on the 14 speakers I could find, and oh opened the partition again to ask where the champagne was? The driver told me it was requested, his mistake, but it was still only 9 am.  I said, “I know but my family knows me,” He replied he just needed to get it out of the refrigerator in the back. Two seconds later he had my bottle open, Perrier Jouet, not the best year, but boy was my family hitting a homerun. I asked, “Could you please tell me how long this ride is booked for?’ He replied, 12 hours, was the max!” “My parents had come through knowing I didn’t want to get back to daily life. One last time, I interrupted the driver, “Please stop at this address on the way back.” “Thank you,” I said as I closed the partition, and now Cool and the Gang were kicking it up a notch. I called my bff Carole, told her I had a limo. She said say no more, when you getting here, I said I think in like half an hour. Is there anything for us thirsty girls to drink” I said, “Yes, there was Perrier Jouet, but I didn’t know how many bottles my parents bought, so we might have to take a trip to the liquor store” “Fine by me, just hurry and get here.” “Haven’t been out in a limo in the early morning hours I must admit.” “I know I am coming home from Walden today.” “Well then we really need to celebrate. Calories are calories, we will just tell your parents” “They wont care they will be happy for me.”

I hung up the phone and splayed myself out on the third row of seats. I was catching a way too nice buzz from the champagne, I put it aside, and called the driver. “Do you have an soda stocked in this car/” “Yes, check the minibar behind the fourth seats.” “Thank you.” I hung up and grabbed myself a sprite, I was never going to make it home in this condition. I set back and began over ridden with pensiveness. I thought about going home, and Radical Will, and being left in my house unless my parents had my bff Stephanie staying over, which would be a relief. I thought about what I could eat, and then the thought of my Greek yogurt came right back to me. I had some time to buy, like two weeks tops,  before I saw all of my health practitioners. I would definitely eat enough to not lose weight, but I was nervous of my great plan on paper, I now was committed to carrying out.  The car slowed down, I thought we must be at Carole’s, I rolled down my window to hear her asking how many bottles of champagne there were.  My mother hated Carole she had covered my ass in 11 grade, they didn’t speak, and my mother Marie, would be made as hell that she was paying for Carole to have a good time.

The driver opened up the door, Carole, took one look at me, and started to ball her eyes out. “Carole, it looks worse than it is, my clothes are too big.”…”But you are just skin and bones.” The partition went down and Carole said,  “Go back to the hospital she isn’t coming home.” “Yes sir I am going home!” “Carole, just be what I need today, I am not going to die, you brought your medication kit with you, and  your epi-pens, right?” Righto, Corey, please take some more of the champagne, I am just drinking from the bottle. It is a trick I know from the wealthiest people, keep your lipstick off of the stemware.” “Oh okay I will have to remember that, the next time I wear lipstick.”

“We drove to Boston in the opposite direction, and stop at the Four Seasons. Everyone knows Carole well there, so we got the best of treatment.   I do believe I was underdressed, but looking the part of the wealthy bum.  We went to the raw bar and got real comfortable, we ate and we drank for like a couple of hours. “Carole, I hate to break up this party, but I really am getting tired.” Ok let’s take her home, how long is this covered?” “Till 9 pm,” said the driver with nervousness. “Lets get Corey home, and let her rest, I will take over the tab at 9 pm.” You are sure I feel bad?” “No it is good you want to go home and rest.” We changed the music to Madonna, and song our hearts out, doing as many move as the limo would allow us to do. We were at my place way too quickly. “Now I will pick up this tab at 9, and when you are well we are going out for 24 hours.” I love you Carole” “I love you Corey.” “Don’t call my mother whatever you do Carole!” “Bye!”

I was inside my house with my bags, and Stephanie who will eventually become my girlfriend, comes running down. Takes a look at me, and ask me funny, “Have you been drinking/” I explained to her the limo and Carole, she said we needed to say extra prayers for my mother not to find out. I crawled up the stairs, and went straight for the guest bedroom which was the closest and only one on this floor.  I got undressed, and put sweats on, and Stephanie  crawled right beside me and held me tight. I was fighting off tears, for all that was coming up, I was too tired to think straight. I closed my eyes with Stephanie playing with my hair. I would wake up and feel better I told myself, and to Stephanie also. I didn’t believe me, I have no idea what Stephanie thought, but as I closed my eyes I was so grateful to be home, no more Greek yogurts. Once I got started I knew I could do this. “Please Help Me Dear God.”



Walden Real Stay part 7

Jane came down to my room. She said my discharge was all arranged for tomorrow and that my primary care, was impressed at all the appointments I had made.  Walden should have done that for me, but since we weren’t on the best of terms, I didn’t think they would do a good job, and actually get my appointments.

I had so much spinning in my head, about all that Walden did wrong for the average patient, and how it offered me no chance at Radical Will, to get over this mountain once and for all.  I couldn’t wait to get home, and begin writing a research paper, on the therapeutic alliance and its great chiasm right here at Walden.   I talked to some other patients, who had gone mid-west for their treatment. They said it was nothing like this; daily copious food choices, and psychotherapy at least once a day, with all these other holistic approaches, thrown in to help everyone out.   Most eating disorders hospitals were broken out into halves: the first half was for trauma related patients, the second half was for anxiety.  Nothing like that existed at Walden, there was no one on one care, unless you were a difficult child like I was on my first stay.

I laid out sprawled out on top of my bed, thinking about walking  away from this life. It was only a decision away, and I would be free at last.  The thought excited me, and motivated me, I no longer wanted to be sick and underweight, and have people think I was a junkie, because I looked so strung out.  I couldn’t believe when I left here, I would sit with my family and friends, and decide which day I would utilize Radical Will, so exciting when you have been this sick for so long.

I decided that I would wait until I had met at least once with all my healthcare providers.  Then I thought we could have a conference call, with everyone on the phone.  I would be with Pam, my eating disorders therapist, so she could help guide me along, and get me off to the best foot first.  I knew there was a lot of time to pass, until I met with my team.  I had to find away to be healthy, and that would entail being around people as much as possible, and not allowing myself to slip back into old patterns.  That is what probably scared me most, slipping back in the comfort of my home, to the patterns, I so adored and loved.  Even in this minute, I feel the love, I have the desire to go home, and live my patterns all over again.  This just gets  bigger and bigger, and I am less able to control my urges.  For once there was a time when I controlled everything. Now my urges and my thoughts are controlled by my brain which is not my friend, but my enemy.  How could it encourage me to go days without eating, when my ultimate goal was eat six small meals a day? I couldn’t figure out why on earth, my brain would trip a switch and malfunction.  It truly scared the life out of me, because lying on my bed, I had no control whatsoever, to do the right thing, or seek the right help.

I started to cry, just little tears. I was so scared of myself I didn’t know anymore.



Walden Real Stay part 6

I was giving a lot of attention to the concept of Radical Will.  Sometimes I believed despite what the doctors said, you needed just to stop and quit the anorexic behavior quick, and without question.  This would not be possible for people with long standing trauma.  Because there are so many roles that the causes of anorexia play, there is going to be some people who either get caught up in the system, or they utilize Radical Will with their medical team, and get them away from this insidious disease.  I know when I was thinking about leaving Walden, and putting together my own team “{Corey.” I knew that it needed a couple of things for it to work, like practitioners who don’t play blame stigma on the anorexic patient.

I had been a victim to self-blame by the entire counseling staff at Walden. They believed we didn’t want to get better, so they blamed us for our poor healthy indirectly or sometimes quite directly.  It was a very sad situation to watch, and the person who suffered are the anorexic patients, they are so just stuck in their heads.  Thinking about doing everything right, to not be the perfect anorexic no more, was a form of twisted thought processes. Sure take the anorexic with perfectionist tendencies and blame them for their decision or the decision to get better. I do believe in the process of recovery, the anorexic patient might be able to take an honest look at themselves and their dysfunctional behaviors to match.  However this is all so patient specific and to use a manual like I have seen utilized by anorexic care providers, is just short of insanity.

I knew my days were numbered, and I would be getting home for Christmas, however my family was not going to be happy if I did not have a solid plan in place to continue extensive out-patient therapy. I spoke to my primary care, who suggested I needed an endocrinologist, a nutritionist, a counselor, and lastly the biggest part, an eating disorders therapist. I knew I could coordinate the other positions, but I was at a loss for an eating disorders therapist.  Finally while working at Walden to get my team in place, and appointments set up, my nutritionist knew of a single eating disorders therapist in the area.  I called her and left a most pathetic message.  She called me right back and had a two week waiting list, so I took her next available appointment, and with that I reported back to my primary care and Jane, the medical director.

“Jane, do you have a minute?” “Sure, Corey what is going on?” “Well I told you I had a new radical therapeutic alliance approach, and I just wanted to tell you, I got my team in place, and already have appointments scheduled out.” “That is great news Corey, hey I hope you make it, however you know how I feel about you leaving here.” “Yes I know Jane, and there is no reason for us to have words, that do not connect. The proof is in the pudding, I have to give into Radical Will, for this even to have a chance. I will be in touch in a few months, and let you all know how I am doing.”

I left Jane’s office just a bit deflated, there was nothing she was going to give to me. However what I felt, was a lack of concern for me, if I didn’t follow the Walden way. This wasn’t about egos, whose way works better, no two anorexic patients are a like.  I thought she would be happy that I made all the appointments and got things up. I guess when you are too close to a problem, its hard to step back and see it in other ways.  I just had to hold tight to what I had thought through and what was my best chance at surviving…no it wasn’t in and out of places like Walden for my life.  I needed a Radical approach to this problem, and I couldn’t have my hand held every step of the way. If my caregivers didn’t want and really truly want to see me beat this, instead of establishing a relationship with them for life, they were not the right people to help me in anyway. The name of this game called life, is getting to be independent and thriving on your own without the help of a daily third party.

I was still spooking myself out with my obsessive body checks, just to make sure I was not gaining too much weight. I realized everything abut me, was my way or the highway, I wasn’t very tempered in my choice of decisions. I had put a lot of work into this Radical Will concept, and knew when I got out of here I would do a bunch of research, and document my journey well.  Hopefully it would lead to helping at least me, I prayed more, but there is no guarantees.

I wondered how I would deal with the maniac’s hours, I hadn’t shared with a health professional before.  My eating disorders therapist was named Pam, and I was so excited to meet her. I laid done on my bed, dinner was a couple of hours away.  I was going to do some active meditation, to practice my Radical Will approach. I got out the pad and the pencil to boot, there would no doubt be many laughable moments in my journey to well, and that in itself really excited me.