Jane came down to my room. She said my discharge was all arranged for tomorrow and that my primary care, was impressed at all the appointments I had made. Walden should have done that for me, but since we weren’t on the best of terms, I didn’t think they would do a good job, and actually get my appointments.
I had so much spinning in my head, about all that Walden did wrong for the average patient, and how it offered me no chance at Radical Will, to get over this mountain once and for all. I couldn’t wait to get home, and begin writing a research paper, on the therapeutic alliance and its great chiasm right here at Walden. I talked to some other patients, who had gone mid-west for their treatment. They said it was nothing like this; daily copious food choices, and psychotherapy at least once a day, with all these other holistic approaches, thrown in to help everyone out. Most eating disorders hospitals were broken out into halves: the first half was for trauma related patients, the second half was for anxiety. Nothing like that existed at Walden, there was no one on one care, unless you were a difficult child like I was on my first stay.
I laid out sprawled out on top of my bed, thinking about walking away from this life. It was only a decision away, and I would be free at last. The thought excited me, and motivated me, I no longer wanted to be sick and underweight, and have people think I was a junkie, because I looked so strung out. I couldn’t believe when I left here, I would sit with my family and friends, and decide which day I would utilize Radical Will, so exciting when you have been this sick for so long.
I decided that I would wait until I had met at least once with all my healthcare providers. Then I thought we could have a conference call, with everyone on the phone. I would be with Pam, my eating disorders therapist, so she could help guide me along, and get me off to the best foot first. I knew there was a lot of time to pass, until I met with my team. I had to find away to be healthy, and that would entail being around people as much as possible, and not allowing myself to slip back into old patterns. That is what probably scared me most, slipping back in the comfort of my home, to the patterns, I so adored and loved. Even in this minute, I feel the love, I have the desire to go home, and live my patterns all over again. This just gets bigger and bigger, and I am less able to control my urges. For once there was a time when I controlled everything. Now my urges and my thoughts are controlled by my brain which is not my friend, but my enemy. How could it encourage me to go days without eating, when my ultimate goal was eat six small meals a day? I couldn’t figure out why on earth, my brain would trip a switch and malfunction. It truly scared the life out of me, because lying on my bed, I had no control whatsoever, to do the right thing, or seek the right help.
I started to cry, just little tears. I was so scared of myself I didn’t know anymore.
BORN THIS WAY-2016