We jetted down to the mall a couple of towns away, and went into this completely over-packed shopping fiesta all in search of Santa. Until this moment, I hadn’t thought about the ramifications of the little kids, waiting while a big person sat on Santa’s lap and told him the long list of must have’s for Christmas or at least the New Year. It was like 5 pm and I said to Stephanie as we looked at the massive, curling and double curling line to see Santa, “Do you want to go to Best Buy, Ulta
, and Barnes and Noble first? The line might die down.” “Okay, but sweetie I am worried you are out doing too much today. Can we please just slow it down and we will get everything done. How about we go to Chipotle? You love that pork salad bowl there?” “Okay, that would buy as more time, before dealing with Santa. “These little kids were starting to intimidate me.
We walked back out of the mall and had to drive to the place where everywhere we wanted, or I should I wanted to go was located. Stephanie piped in, “Chipotle first? I think it would be best for you to eat something, and I am sort of hungry too.” “Stephanie, if you are hungry of course we will go there first. Is this all about me? It is isn’t it? I am so sorry, and I don’t know how to fix it.” “Corey, I love you, you are my only and best friend, nothing is just about you; you wont allow it,” “You sure/” “Corey Britton, I will attack you right here if you don’t snap out of it.” Okay, I snapped out of it.” “What are you going to have?” I asked Stephanie. I couldn’t remember what she got here. “I think I will have a taco bowl with chicken and guacamole.” “Sounds perfect,” I answered. She knew my order exactly, so I left her to go in search of a blessed table. It is so hard to get seating in this place. Oh great, I found a table for two. I don’t like it when it is just us and we take up a table for four.
Stephanie arrived with the tray overflowing with food. I offered to go get our drinks. I was actually feeling pretty good, until I sat down and looked at my food. All this, I have to eat? I immediately got tense and Stephanie noticed it. “Corey, just eat some meat with the sour cream, you always pick at these back at the house.” “Okay, I will eat some meat. How is yours my friend?” “As good as the last time. Yes, before you ask, yes I would order it again.” “I have this habit of asking people if they would order their food again. I did it after every meal, home or out. “I will order mine again,” I said trying to be funny. “You didn’t get chips” I said. I will go get you some.” “No I am really fine with the food, and watching the company not touch their bowl except for one bite.” “Sarcasm, not like you my usually demur and lovingly sweeet friend. Here’s bite number two.” I took a bite of my pork with sour cream and reached across the table to give it to Stephanie. “Oh really nice,” she smirked. I ate a couple more bites, but the diversion of the trip had been triggered off course by the food. I needed to eat, so I wasn’t mad, I just have such a hard time eating. Then my stomach kills after. If you haven’t had an eating disorder you have no idea what type of pain I am talking about. It is crippling, and sometimes heat packs, which I couldn’t use here, sometimes work a little bit. I was done eating but I didn’t want Stephanie to rush. I felt badly we never ate like two normal people. I went and got a to-go lid and wrapped up my food. Stephanie was happy I could tell, I think she thought I would be away for the holidays. We would have seen each other at Walden, it obviously wouldn’t have been the same. As I looked at her from a distance, I thanked God, for her and her amazing friendship. I would be lost without her. “Alright, that hit the spot, and I am just going to throw my stuff away.” “I got it” I said and walked over to the trash bin.
Next thing you knew we were out in the cold again. My stomach was killing me, but I wasn’t going to say anything to Stephanie. We ran into the stores, they were all so crowed and everyone was so grouchy. Put a damper on my mood, with my stomach ache that was the worst. We got the bare minimum of the things we needed to get, and then I saw Staples. I love Staples. I never need a thing from Staples because I have already bought everything, but I cant pass one and not go. “Please may we? I know I need nothing, and I am losing steam, but it is Staples.” “Five minutes, Corey, and I bet you ten dollars all you look at are pens and journals.” I took off as I knew she really meant five minutes, but my stomach cramps were getting worse. I went to the pens, and bought refills for the pens I use, and I quickly went down the journal aisle. I always needed a new journal. I had no idea where Stephanie was but I made my way to the front of the store to get into a longline. Maybe I didn’t need these things so much after all? Stephanie found me, laughed out loud, “What don’t want to wait half an hour for your must have refills and journals? ‘I could kill you. “No I don’t want to wait, do you think the line has gone down at Santa? “Let’s just go there and do it. It is something you really want to do.” “Yes until I saw all those vicious kids, who are going to be angry at me. I know I will tell them my daughter is sick and needs me to talk to Santa.” “Very good plan, they will be all your friends with that line.”
We walked into the mall and now my stomach hurt so much I told Stephanie I needed to sit down. She looked worried, but I mentioned it was just my stomach and I needed to sit still for a few minutes. We people watched and that was fun. Regular zoo parade, if you know what I mean. All of a sudden it hit me, I had already gone through today, and my eating was okay, but my activity was too high, what if the scale was down in the morning. Oh I felt really sick, and couldn’t get the scale out of my head. “Okay, I am ready for Santa, but is Santa ready for me?” “Let us go see,” smiled Stephanie.
We got over to the Santa area and he was not there. Oh my fuck, they closed at 7 pm. I missed him! I wanted to cry, but I was pissed too, as the sign was very small and not easy to see. “Corey, we will come when they open tomorrow, it is not a big deal.” “You know how I feel like when I say I want to accomplish something on a certain day?” “I know, but we cant fix it now, tomorrow we will get up and come. Come on Corey, you are so tired, I feel guilty being out with you. Let me go get the car, and meet me by the entrance over there.” “Okay” So I didn’t get to see Santa, I had my list already written out. Maybe I would change it by tomorrow. Gosh I felt sick, I wanted to puke, and get this crap out of my body. I cant puke as hard as I have tried, when people ask if I am a bulimic, I go nuts and say I am a complete restrictor. It is kind of like the hierarchy eating disorders. At least that is what anorexics who restrict think. Everyone else thinks we are just shit, and unkind for creating a pecking order. Seems natural to me, but you really cant talk about it, as it freaks the freaky out of people. I just keep my superior thoughts to myself, which is why my fucking stomach will not quit. Maybe it was the sour cream. I ate like three bites, but that is enough. I walked over to the exit and Stephanie was already waiting there. “That was fast!” I said “Yes, I ran all the way, to get out of the cold. The car should warm up in a minute. All your seat warmers are on high. Do you want a couple heating packs for your stomach?” “Oh my God yes! I am in so much pain. It wont go away, I think it was the sour cream.” I put the heating pads on my stomach, and tried to close my eyes and relax.
My mind was on fire with all these mangled thoughts: not enough weight on the scale, cant possibly do Radical Will…..it would not stop, and I didn’t feel like I wanted to bother or worry Stephanie. My head, my servant, my master, and know my fucking worst enemy! I could only think about weigh in tomorrow, usually Stephanie doesn’t ask me. But because we did so much today, and I want to go out tomorrow, she will ask me in some sort of way. I don’t know what I will do, if the scale is down 2-3 pounds. I usually know the night before, I had eaten okay for me, but my energy was way up there. There would be a drop in the scale, and of course there was my mother. “How’s the scale today?” I could just hear it now, and it is something I don’t lie about. I stopped telling fibs when I was 19. My mother was the only one I lied to. She didn’t approve of my life style, or lets just say the beautiful women she never got to see, but kept me out all hours of the day and night. Sometimes she would ask me, “Where are you going?” I would be honest and say a club, and then came her attitude. So one day I had, had it with her. She asked me, “What are you doing?” I replied, “Do you want the truth or do you want me to tell you what you want to ear?” She got the point, and I don’t fib anymore, I am the worse liar. I out myself at the drop of a dime, people get so pissed at me. Don’t ask me to lie or to fabricate, although I do come up with great stories for others. No matter what, my mother thinks I “tell falsehoods” as she calls them. No mom, you have not a clue, and please get with it, I mean how many years to work your IPad, and use the apps? You are supposed to be pretty intelligent, but my gosh she gets an idea in her head, and she makes herself believe it although it isn’t true. Thank goodness for my father, he has saved my ass so many times. She gets upset with me, that I want to go lay down in my bed and watch my Netflix. Tells me, well you are very antisocial. I could go on its another story, right now I cant handle tomorrow, the scale, and the calendar counting down. “Stephanie, what are you doing? I know why I have been quiet, but what are you thinking about?” “I was thinking probably what you were thinking….I know when you get lost in your head about weight. You are worried tomorrow the scale is going to be down, and so am I. How do you think I look to your family as your friend, who you lose weight with?” “Fine, don’t stay here. You can go home, I think I would if I could. Why would you stay in this bloody fucked up mess?” “Not the answer I wanted. You are not being nice.” Oh she said it, and I am a sucker for this, I never want to hurt a girl’s feelings, and they catch on and use it as psychological warfare. “I am very sorry, I am stressed about a lot of things, and I should never talk to you like that. I have so much stuff in my head.” “Do you want to talk about it? she sadly said. “No, I do I just think I need to decompress. Do you mind if when we get to the house, I just get ready for bed? I want to sleep on the top floor. Are you okay with that? I don’t want you to bring anything up, we will deal with like Santa, tomorrow.”
We pulled into the driveway, and made our way up to the porch. Julia Bleu, the pug, was so happy to see us. Why cant my mother be like that? I don’t need her to be a rocket scientist, just an unconditionally loving pug. Is that too much to ask for? We got up to the first floor, where all of stuff was located in the guest room. “I will just run into the bathroom, and do my face and my teeth. Don’t, please, worry about doing a single thing around here.” I went to the bathroom and stared at that piece of shit scale with all my numbers taped to the wall. God could I hate myself anymore than I do right now? I did my face and my teeth, and Stephanie was in the kitchen still putting away groceries. “Okay, it is yours, unless you are going to use the one upstairs? ” “No I will be just a minute. Corey, do you think you can eat a bite or two of yogurt?” I wanted to cry, I wanted to say no, but I didn’t want to disappoint my best friend. “Yes, I will eat a couple bites, it should be fine back in the refrigerator tonight, right?” “Yes it will be fine.”
I ate some yogurt, it actually made my stomach feel better. I put the rest away, put the spoon in the dishwasher. I then climbed the stairs, two more sets to go. All I could think of is all this is doing is burning more calories. I was so happy to see my bed. I splurged and the bedding is right out of a 5 star hotel. My biggest sin, is luxury hotels, sparing no expense. I started to pullback all the layers, and move the 10 pillows about. Stephanie made her way up to the top floor, and helped me with the bedding. We got into the bed, my stomach was still killing me. I had too much on my mind, and ask Stephanie if she wanted to watch Orange is the New Black. She said that sounded great. I just wanted to take my mind mess and dump it on the floor. Stephanie came over to me, where I was playing with the remote controls, the Bose sound system went off at 10, nearly causing me a heart attack. What the fuck? How did that happen? One answer, my precious Bella. Yes, this was a sign she had been getting all snuggly in my bed. I got everything figured out, and Stephanie put her arm around me, so I could lay my head down. My mind was just racing, scared, stressed, and otherwise not specified. I remember looking at the clock 11;10 pm. I would be up by 3:00am to weigh myself and get my second day of Radical Will underneath my belt. Good Night Santa, I will have words for you tomorrow……
BORN THIS WAY-2016