Month: August 2016

Radical Will Eating Disorders Therapy Session part 4

I was nervous as hell sitting in Pam’s office. I honestly didn’t know what to expect. About my weight lose or anything else might say. In all of my time I have never talked to a therapist or doctor about me in relationship to my eating disorder.

I thought for a second I should have thought more or harder about things. Perhaps I should have prepared a memo to Pam since I do much better with writing my feelings down, and I seem to get in touch with them more successfully.

First thing Pam said was, “Corey please try to relax.” I laughed out loud how did she now I was nervous, petrified was more like it. She continued,  “This our time, this is  our space, what we say or do is something we will agree upon. I am not filled with a stack full of rules, a few that we will go over. My office is safe for you, to say anything you want or want to share with me. Let me be clear, yes I am part of your Radical Will team, however I will not be reporting back to the other practitioners as you may think. You personal emotions and feelings how off the wall they might be, is not what and how I will brief the team. Obviously if you are danger to yourself, I would notify the team right away, and be sure you knew I was doing it. Please feel free to jump in at any time to speak. I have read your entire history with this disease. I noticed something when I read through the entirety of your records. Have you ever been asked by anybody how you feel, or discuss your feelings regarding eating with anyone?

“No, I replied, “No one has ever asked me a single question it all revolves around my weight restoration and my compliance with the rules I have been provided with.”

“First Corey let me say I am very sorry no one has taken care of the part of you that is making you so ill. Your mind and emotions are the biggest players, after the eating disorder we are going to refer as your ED. ED is a guy you have a sick and unhealthy relationship with. You will end up telling all about your own ED. There are not two of the same Eds. Everyone’s ED is unique as you are, and so is how your body reacts to wait you do or don’t do because of your ED. I don’t want to overwhelm you, I have 25 years of recovery. I have my PhD in psychology with a very specific foundation in all times of eating disorders. I have to tell you nobody has come in suggesting Radical Will, was that someone at Walden? ” “No it was me, I thought of this concept all on my own. Obviously the idea of Radical Will already existed I chose to make it my way to get to well. I was and I remain very scared of being a lifer with this disease.”

“Wow Corey I must tell you I mightily impressed. I have never heard of this approach being utilized for an eating disorder. I would like to start right here if you will. I don’t want to put you on the spot but I want to understand this origin of concept you have successfully put into motion. Can you describe how got to Radical Will?”

“It started at Walden on my first visit which was a nightmare for everyone involved. Do you recall it or should I give the short version?” “No Corey that is fine I must laugh right here and tell you that is a story you don’t forget.”

“Okay so I was starving myself solely by restriction. I am a 100 percent restrictor. I get throw up as much as I have wanted to at certain times. I looked at the patient we were all different but there was a commonality I saw with many of the patients. They had been to Walden many and many times, and even tried other places in the past. I deemed them the lifers, I meant no disrespect. I was there for the first time and others were much more comfortable with being in Walden it seemed like a second home the staff treated them very differently, they got babied and cuddled and they were all over 18 years

of age, I never got to know anyone’s personal story I kept to myself for almost the whole time I was social but did not go deep. I knew the feeding tube was a waste, I kept thinking of going home and picking up my old life which lead me so close to death. One day I was in the common room with another girl. One her journal was a quote, it read :”One day I woke up and I didn’t like how  I felt, so I decided to change just like that.”

I was mesmerized by the quote and its meaning to me specifically. I was revolting at Walden for more than one reason obviously. However I had started to get sick of being sick and this quote seemed like a way out that is what I mean when I say Radical Will in regarding to anorexia. I am tired of being sick and I want to be in a different  body I just want to be done with this no  big talks about why or how come? I am very aware of what triggers me and that is what I needed to know. So that is my story of my version of Radical Will I hope it will help some others out. That’s my story of Radical Will to be used with anorexia.”

“Corey I am so moved by this, stepping outside the box to find an answer not a question. I agree you will find we think along the same lines. I would like to take a break and tell you my expectations and how you and I will work together. Help yourself to the refrigerator I am just going to use the restroom. I don’t want to tax all that much pretty self-defeating and I would like to give you something to  think about: How about a second appointment with me this week on Friday? Think about tit no need to make a decision right now. Also if there are loved ones in your life who you would like me to meet I invite to tell me so we can set that up. I find a lot of times patients have a go-to person on their team.

Pam left to go to the restroom. I looked at the clock and we only had thirty five minutes but so much she caused to happen and move inside of me. I had never talked through the whole idea of Radical Will to myself or anybody else. She got me to feel so many things. I was going to write a book about my Radical Will and how it could others, it didn’t need to be the only way people worked on getting better. However I got it of me it was so deep. I was feeling so excited for Stephanie to meet Pam. I know Pam was going to be responsible for saving my life. That is a huge thing to realize in a first visit since I have been sick I have not talked to any practitioner about anything. Just loosely about my Radical Will.  I closed my eyes and leaned back, the weight of the disease was no longer on my back. Pam made sure in getting me to talk I got to the point where my Radical Will kicked into gear. The tears dropped down from my eyes, down my checks and onto my shirt. I was okay I was going to be safe. Thank you dear God for sparing me from myself and giving myself a brain to figure things out. I got up  to look for a tissue, I was really overwhelmed and so relieved.  I had to get myself back together Pam would be back and this I didn’t want her to see……….




Radical Will – Eating Disorders Therapist part 3

I had another Radical Will appointment scheduled for the next day. It gave me a full day to rest in between seeing my primary care doctor.  I was going to meet with my eating disorders therapist. Her name was Pam. She was probably the most important person on my team.

It was hard to find her, I got the referral from Amber the nutritionist. I had called and asked everywhere and nobody knew of  a specialist who dealt with just eating disorders. In hindsight I believe she was the cog that has gotten me to where I am.

So Stephanie and I were deciding on dinner the night before my therapy appointment with Pam. I had now had three smoothies. I wasn’t quite done with my one from today. I would of course finish it. I had not lost anymore weight in a day. I prayed the scales stabilized for tomorrow or showed a tiny gain of even the smallest sort.

Stephanie was all set to make us grilled salmon with sweet potatoes and asparagus Au gratin. It was my favorite dish. I was already to help her, but as usual she told I needn’t help. She had it all under control. I could stay and keep her company or go play on the computer she didn’t mind. Of course I stayed with her in the kitchen….I know surprising probably,  but that is how much I cared for Stephanie. I was feeling okay, my stomach was not great and my shake still had to be finished. My thoughts of dying and being scared had continued and gotten worse a couple of times. We turned in the Hoelter monitor I wore earlier in the day. They scheduled me with a cardiologist to see in a week, to go over the results. I was still missing Bella terribly and I knew it would be a while until I could see her regularly and start keeping her again half time. It was the hardest single thing I had to do and it hurt me so bad, but I had created this disaster.  I was the master of  my imperfect storm.

I was zoning out I just finished my last sip of my smoothie, and didn’t here Stephanie ask me to pull the asparagus from the broiler. She asked me again and then asked if I was alright. I said yes, and I got up and grabbed the thongs to flip over the baby asparagus. I wasn’t hungry at all in fact I didn’t know how I would eat any of this once it was in front of me.

Stephanie and I talked about the day and tomorrow. I was scheduled to see Pam at 10:00 am. I liked that time of the day for an appointment. It wasn’t too early and it wasn’t too late. I think it is the perfect time and I hope I could lock into with her tomorrow. Stephanie noticed my smoothie was complete. She got my food history page on the dry erase board and gave it to me to fill out. I loved writing it down and writing 100%. It is really stupid the inane things I derive my pleasure from these days. Dinner was just about done, I took my medication for my stomach, and went to the bathroom. I decided to weigh myself I couldn’t help it. I took off all of my clothes and jumped on the scale. I was still down over three pounds. It meant tomorrow the scale would be lower again. Fuck it, I thought I was trying so hard and things were just going against me.  I decided to do my best to eat my meal tonight knowing Pam would weigh tomorrow morning and my primary care doctor would know. I can out of the bathroom, and Stephanie asked matter of factly, “How was the scale?” I said, “It is still down over three pounds which means tomorrow it will be even lower.”  She came over and squeezed me tight. “Ready for dinner/” she asked. “Sure I think I am, I hope you bring me an appetite with my food.” She placed two beautiful plates of food on the table. She was really amazing honestly. I had no idea how I was even going to eat a bite of my delicious dinner.

We said a simple Grace and I picked at my salmon. She had grilled it. I loved the crispy parts the best. I was starting to get way into my head with the thought of the scale being down in the morning and having no idea what Pam’s take on everything would be. She would probably be the hardest as she understood the eating disorders mind. Stephanie told me I wasn’t eating. I said I want to but finishing the shake so late really did a number on my ability to eat much more. I ate some of the asparagus. I could eat the fish and the potato later but the asparagus would not be good cold.

Stephanie was in the clean plate club. I say I  put the rest of my dinner away for awhile. Stephanie did not look happy. I couldn’t do anything about it and my stomach cramps were here right on cue. They were not as bad as they were before but still completely uncomfortable. I wanted to help Stephanie clean up but my stomach and now my head was all twisted. For some reason I feared tomorrow morning with Pam. Therapists all scare me anyway it was pare for the course. However I was really scared she would have no tolerance for my weight loss of recent. I got up to get some heating pads, and Stephanie said she had the kitchen. I told I would stay and talk. She said no go lay down, and I told her I would rather stay with her. Stephanie kept my mind from really derailing.  I had to stay enough in the present with her there. My mind could not wander to deeper darker places. That would come to me when we went to sleep later on. Stephanie finished the kitchen I asked her if she wanted to watch some Sons Anarchy in the study. She said yes and she was going to get her computer to check in at work. I figured this meant I could get on my laptop too. One of my favorite things to do, was to watch the Sons and be on the computer. I got the DVD and had to sit my stomach felt like it was on fire and I felt really bloated. I jumped up and went into the bathroom. I got out of my clothes and put on sweats and a fleece top. I felt a little bit better when I did that, it seemed to relieve some pressure on my stomach. Stephanie returned and I put on the TV before jumping on my computer. We watched two episodes and I was on my computer and Stephanie was on hers. I asked her how everything was with work. She said fine no worries, I was so relieved. This was so nice of Stephanie to take a month and half off to help me. I had no idea how I could ever repay her back. She had done so much for me in our friendship. Now with the anorexia she had gone well and above what any other friend would or could do for me. The episode ended and Stephanie said I looked exhausted. I wasn’t really exhausted, I just felt really sick inside like there was something really wrong with me.

I got ready for bed, and my stomach was finally turning the corner. I waited for Stephanie to finish getting ready for bed. We then pulled down all the covers on the bed, Now I felt sleepy and with my heart medication I wasn’t getting up early every single day. We shut off the lights and talked for a bit. Stephanie asked me about my therapy appointment tomorrow. I told how I felt really nervous about Pam. She snuggled up close to me, and I laid closer to her. I loved this time when we were both awake and snuggling. I could never admit to her however she would probably run hard and fast away. I started to say my prayers inside of myself. But my mind kept ruining it with doom and fear I was really dying and should let someone really now how I felt this to be true. I was now wide awake, no more sleepy Corey. I worried about my heart and my bones. Stephanie was fast asleep with her head on my shoulder. I loved her so much and never could tell her. I put my hand on my heart it felt like it was beating weird, I just had to go to sleep if only it was so easy. I couldn’t shake the feeling of dying and next thing I awoke to Stephanie asking me to get up.

I was nervous but went right into the bathroom. I jumped onto the scale shit it was down over four pounds. This was not acceptable to anyone not even me. The rest of the morning was a blur. I ate some fish and sweet potato for breakfast. Stephanie reminded me to bring my recipe and food history with me in case Pan wanted to review it. We finally headed out to my appointment. I was filled with anxiety and pure fear. I had no idea what to expect. We found our way to the building where Pam’s office was located and Stephanie let me out in front. We were running behind, I only had five minutes to spare.

I found my way to Pam’s office suite. I walked into a beautiful room without anybody at the front desk. I sat down and looked for a restroom. I didn’t see one I would have to wait. Soon a very slender woman with white hair came out all smiles. She introduced herself as Pam. I thought immediately she had an eating disorder. She was very kind, and grabbed a stack of papers and asked me to follow her down the hallway. I got in her office and took my jacket and hat off. She had a huge filled folder on me already. She said per my request of my of my primary care, as well as her protocol I needed to get weighed first. She sent me to a bathroom with a johnnie. I came back out and there was a very fancy platform scale right in the hallway. I got on it, and it read 4 pounds down still even though I ate breakfast and drank a bottle of diet sprite. She instructed me to get dressed and meet back in her office.

I made my way back, and she said since this was my first appointment it was scheduled for a hour and a half. What happened next between the two of us changed me forever to this very moment.



Radical Will part 2

After the my primary care appointment, Stephanie drove me to the hospital to get my labs drawn. I was feeling okay, a little numb and scared. I was scared of my heart giving out on me.

I got the labs drawn and Stephanie asked if I wanted to go do any shopping?  We would be celebrating our Christmas on New Year’s Eve. I had to have something to eat, I grabbed a prescription Ensure out of the pack seat. God love Stephanie she had me buy a case just for her car for moments like this. I told her that I needed to get my prescriptions filled. We dropped them off at the pharmacy and I bought some more heating packs. The prescriptions were soon ready, and we headed out to the car. I took the pills for my stomach, and they had given me a wide syringe for taking the liquid medication that went along with the pills. I took both medications, and quickly scanned the inserted pamphlets looking to see what the directions said. It said to wait to eat for 20 minutes.

We drove over to the plaza with Ulta, Barnes & Noble, Best Buy and Trader Joe’s. By the time we got there I was feeling quite faint. I opened a bottle of the shake and took a big gulp. I had to drink this all before I did anything else. I drank the shake really quickly and instantly gave myself a stomach ache. The pains I was used to getting didn’t come on so strong, I was incredibly happy. We waited for 20 minutes, talking about my daughter Bella. It was really hard not to see her, but I knew it was better for her mind and that is all that mattered.

Finally I said to Stephanie, I think I am ready to head out. I need to go do some shopping alone.

“Do you want to meet at Trader Joe’s like an hour?”

Stephanie replied, “Sure that should give me enough time.”

We went our own ways I was heading to Best Buy. I wanted to get her a Fitbit and a new Bluetooth ear piece. She was always talking me from her car, and she lost her ear piece weeks ago. Best Buy was a zoo. There were so many Fitbits to chose from, and then it was picking out a color. I got what I needed and continued to shop at Barnes and Noble where I got Stephanie a few books on her reading list. We met inside the entryway of Trader Joe’s. I was thinking I was really tired and just wanted to go home. Stephanie realized I was cooked and suggested we just pick up something for lunch. I agreed and we picked out some prepared food. I also got more cans of coconut milk.

We got home it was going on 12:30 pm. I needed to take my medication for my heart and my stomach again. I asked Stephanie to do me a favor. I asked if she could make me my smoothie? She said, “Yes of course.” I went to find my eating history paperwork so I could fill it out for yesterday and get in the habit of filling out when I ate a meal. I found it  upstairs in the bedroom, and I just sat on the bed for a minute. I was so worn out and didn’t really feel good.  I slowly made my way down the stairs. Stephanie had fixed me a plate for lunch and made my smoothie with a straw! I was very happy! We had purchased some seaweed salad, pickled beets, hummus and flat bread for our lunch. I started with my smoothie, it didn’t go down very easily. I am not not sure why. I picked at my food, and filled out my eating history for yesterday with the help of Stephanie.

I wrote down to best recollection what I ate and how much approximately. Stephanie told me she read in Amber’s paperwork, to measure out your food with measuring utensils. I said on fuck I don’t know what to say about lunch. Stephanie asked for the food history sheet . She started to fill it out for me. I wasn’t quite sure about this……she finished and handed it back to me. She had pre-measured everything out and wrote it all down for me. I thanked her and I felt warm all over. I loved her so much as my friend. She made me just so happy and always came through me no matter what. It was so great she had taken this leave from work to get me home from Walden. She is a dentist so it is not really that easy to take extended time off. Now that I think of it, I bet she used FMLA……

I finished with lunch. I didn’t make much of a dent in my food or in my smoothie.  Stephanie asked how I was feeling. I said do you want to go into the study and chat for awhile? She said sure, we picked up the lunch dishes. We just put the food away and rinsed in the dishes and left them in the sink.

“I am not feeling myself at all ever since the doctor told me he was afraid I might die. I feel that way myself like my body is just going to expire.”

“Sweetie, we got you on your medications. You are being careful not to over do it. What else is on your mind?”

“I am scared about just everything. From losing more weight, to not drinking my shake, to not making it with Radical Will.”

“Corey, you need to let go of all this stress and worry. You know how bad it is for your body, and how your body reacts to it. You will just keep losing more weight. You have to wrap your mind around it.”

My phone was ringing, and I didn’t know where it was exactly. Well before we found it, it stopped ringing. A call had gone to voicemail. I look at my voicemail it was my doctor’s office number. “What the heck could they want?’ I said. I called them right back and got the receptionist. She put me on hold for awhile.  I was a bit aggravated, and my stomach felt so bloated. I couldn’t stand it.

“Hello Corey.”

“Hi doctor.”

“Corey we got your lab results back and you have hyponatremia and low magnesium as well as low potassium which is dangerous for your heart. I need you to tell me which ER you want to go to.”

“Excuse me sir? I have to go to the ER?”

“Yes Corey we must hook you up to an IV and get these levels up. As far as your hyponatremia it isn’t as bad as it could be, so I am not going to admit you for that I just want you to restrict your fluid intake. I also want another EKG test run while you are there.”

“Okay um I guess I will go to Dover it is closer to my house.”

“Fine I will fax them the orders. They will call me with the results of the EKG and then you probably can go home.”

“Okay doctor, so I just tell them my doctor faxed in orders.”

“Yes Corey that is all you have to say. Give me an hour to get this all set and then head right over.”

“Okay doctor thank you very much.”

“Good luck Corey and take care of yourself.”

I hung up the phone it had been on speaker so Stephanie heard the entire conversation. My eyes welled up, I went to leave the room. Stephanie called me to come back in. I went back and sat beside of her. She put her arms around me oh how I wish this was not my body. How did I do this to myself? I am nearly dead, I feel it closer every minute. I let Stephanie hold me, but I was deep in my head. Morbid thoughts filled the fissures in my head. I knew I was really close to not making it, and there was nothing the medical world could do to change the course or the path I was on immediately. It would take time if that is what I was given, to let my body recover from this vicegrip of death and demise that bled through the blue of my eyes.

I got up and went to get ready. It was after 3 pm. We would be there for a while the IVs they took awhile. I drank a couple more gulps of my smoothie. I poured it into a water bottle I had to take it with me. Stephanie got herself ready, and off we went to the Emercency Room.

At the ER they were waiting for us. I didn’t have to sign in or go through triage. They took us back to a private room. I took off my jackets and sat on the gurney.  A doctor came in and introduced himself. He was very nice and said they would get me out just as quickly as possible. He said an IV would be placed in a minute, and once that was running, an EKG would be taken right away for my doctor. He asked me about the A fib incident. I told him it was not fun, and I really haven’t felt well. He said he could see I wasn’t feeling well. The lab person arrived with a nurse who had bags of IV solutions. The IV got placed, and the nurse ran two of the bags at the same time. I didn’t think they were supposed to do that. Stephanie sat on the edge of the bed, and looked and smiled at me. I couldn’t help but smile back. She handed me the water bottle with the smoothie. I drank some more, although my stomach was starting to cramp up, and I was feeling nauseous.

The EKG technician arrived and got me all hooked up. There was a problem getting a good print out. It took her like three tries but finally she was happy. The nurse came back in to check on my IVs and one bag was done. She hung the last bag up, and said it should be about an hour and then I could go home providing everything was okay with  the EKG. I was restless and agitated. I wanted to be home this was just another stressful situation that I had I had to deal with.

The doctor came in with the EKG and said there were some abnormalities. My doctor wanted me hooked up to a Hoelter monitor for the next 24 hours. Okay I guess, and the doctor said after the IV was done, the person from cardiac would come and hook me up to the Hoelter monitor. I needed to wear it for twenty four hours straight. It would record my heart, and if I felt my heart was off, there was a button I was to push. Finally the IV was done and Stephanie went to find a nurse.

While Stephanie stepped out I thought how this was all a matter of time. My body couldn’t withstand what I put it through with the starvation. Stephanie came back in with a nurse who was on a portable phone. The nurse took down the IV bags and but left my IV in. She hung up the phone and said cardiac was on their way. Once I had the Hoelter monitor she would pull the IV and I would be all set to go. I was really not in a good way. I felt a deep sense of dread, and was scared out of my mind. I worked on my smoothie some more. It was killing me to drink it, I felt so bloated and nauseous. Cardiac arrived and were way too chipper for me at that moment. I did my best however I think I came across as a grump. It took awhile to get the monitor all set up to attach it to me. Then the cardiac person explained everything I already knew but I knew they had to say it. So I listened for what seemed a very long time of something that was quite simple. Finally I was all set I just needed my IV out. Soon the nurse arrived, and pulled the IV out. Finally I was good to go.

We left I waited inside, while Stephanie went to get the car. I was thinking a lot of things but mostly thinking how great it was to have Stephanie in my life. I got into the car, I was freezing out and pitch black. I drank the last of my smoothie. The thought of death suddenly over came me. My heart started to beat real fast like before but not like A fib. I push the incident button on the Hoelter monitor and prayed that I did not die, I was so regretful. I knew I had sinned against my own body. I prayed in the car, for the scale to turn around and for my mind to accept it. I had one more day and then I would meet my eating disoders therapist.  Please Dear God do not let me die………….



Clinton’s FBI Interview Being Sent to House For Possible Perjury

Hillary Rodham Clinton is so close to being president but today it appears she may be far off her desired target.

This all stems from a tiny e-mail server at her personal residence which she used to email State Department emails.

She is not the first person to do it as both Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice did so as well. However Clinton has admitted she broke the law and has been under investigations from the State Department to the FBI.

One of the main issues involves missing emails that Clinton deemed personal and did not turn over when she turned over some 35,000 documents.

After review by the State Department and the FBI along with previous meetings with the House and Congress, the FBI ultimately decided in late July early August not to pursue legal charges against Clinton.

Yes she did break the spirit of the law but supposedly not the letter of the law.

Well you always need to know who your enemies are, and Julian Assange, founder of WikiLeaks is one of Clinton’s biggest enemies.

His carefully timed release of Clinton’s emails during the DNC and last week have created havoc for Clinton. Assange hates Clinton as he has sought political asylum to a third world country in London for supposed rape as well as child molestation charges. Clinton has been one of the biggest ardent supporters of extraditing Assange to be tried in the US under our legal system.

Assange minces not a word, when he speaks of bringing down Clinton and last week released more emails that this time showing perhaps a conflict between Clinton and her role as Secretary of State and the Clinton Foundation.

Under her terms of being Secretary of State Clinton promised to step away completely from the Clinton Foundation.

Assange is scheduled to continue to release inciting emails through the election in a personal effort to bring Clinton down.

Last week members of the House with whom Clinton met two years ago to review this issue asked for copies of the FBI report it took in an interview with Clinton in July.

They are questioning Clinton’s responses to certain questions they supposedly asked her and want to review the FBI report for signs of perjury.

The FBI has been at a stalemate with this interview which has been deemed highly classified.

Today the FBI decided to hand over the interview taken under oath to the House members for review.

This is nothing but a perfect storm unfortunately for Clinton who is dominating the election in every way and is up in all the polls with Trump inflicting daily gaffes upon himself, and polling margins increasing weekly in every demographic for Clinton.

Between the House Republicans and Julian Assange the perfect storm to deny Clinton the very office she is so close to occupying is a brutally bad stroke of luck.

I believe Clinton is no fool, and I am sure she chose her words very carefully in both meetings with the House two years ago and late last month with the FBI.

Only Clinton knows how this is going to go-the added scrutiny of the general public towards her trustworthiness is being tested again and again.

Thankfully for Clinton if she is not charged with perjury she has no competition in the Don. Clinton is chomping at the bit for those presidential debates.

Let’s hope for everyone’s sake this lightening rod created by Assange disappears and it will remain the most notorious election ever for the United States.



My First Day of Radical Will part 1

Christmas Eve and Christmas day were very good and beautiful days. I made it through Christmas with enough stamina, and Stephanie cried when I gave her the ring I had made for her. Bella was such a blast and we all really enjoyed ourselves. I was keenly aware how different this could have all played out if I was still in Walden.

My head was distracted for a good part of the time. Thoughts of starting the Radical Will protocol the day after Christmas seeped into and out of my head. I was worried about my weight, and wondered if I didn’t have any control over it, and that the scale would just continue to go down while I was in the midst of the longest refeeding ever.

We were at my ex-wife’s house from 7 am until 12:00 pm opening presents, and eating a Christmas quiche with sausage and hash browns. I was able to eat some, I love meat. So I ate all the sausage in my slice of quiche. I don’t like bread so I left the crust of the quiche. My ex-wife Camie made some remark about my Radical Will and it starting the next day. I was nervous about my stomach cramping. Sure as crap, it started hurting before people were finished eating. I looked at Stephanie and she knew. I could tell she was concerned but didn’t know what or how to help. I excused myself and went into the bathroom to throw cold water onto my face.

When I came out, everyone was back in the living  room with the fire burning. My stomach was throwing a fit, I didn’t have heating pads, and I certainly couldn’t ask to go lay down. Now was a moment I had to get through. No ways around it, I needed to rise to the  occasion, distract my mind and my body, which felt fat now from eating, and be happy and normal like everyone else. Gosh did I loathe myself and what I had done to my body. This was so unnecessary and threatened to affect everyone if I couldn’t rise to the occasion. Finally I couldn’t sit still any longer. I asked Stephanie if she wanted to go clean the kitchen with me from brunch? She readily agreed knowing I was trying to get out of the room. Camie didn’t want us fussing about the clean up, but I told her we were cleaning up, she had cooked. Bella went to take a shower, as we were going out to one of our favorite restaurants, the Wentworth by the Sea for 2:00pm. We had started going there a couple of years before, and it was so beautifully decorated for the holiday, and the food was so delicious we loved it and splurged on Christmas.

Lunch at the Wentworth by the Sea was stressful from the get go for me. I was very anxious about my stomach and was developing a really strong phobia to eating out in places. Lunch was something we couldn’t rush through. It was a fixed menu with 8 courses and the food just kept coming out. I was sitting by Bella and since she is a vegetarian I gave some of my food to her. I was crawling out of my nose, inch by inch. I felt fat, I felt anxious, and I was having to fake it to make everyone’s day all that much more special. My stomach started up, and I had found heating pads in Stephanie’s car on the ride over. I took my bag to the bathroom, and put the heating pads inside my pants and underwear. I said a prayer for courage and strength and thanked God for this amazing day I was having with my family. I hurt so much I started to sweat, but I made it through the entire dinner. Camie wasn’t happy with how little I ate, but she didn’t make a big fuss about it. I think we were all relieved that we had made it through together as a family for Christmas Day. We sure weren’t sure that would even happen.

We drove back to Dover with Bella with us. We were just stopping back to get all or gifts and pick up Julia Bleu. We couldn’t forget the pug, she would never let us, no matter what. We got the car loaded, we had so much stuff, and said good night to Bella and Camie. I would pick up Bella tomorrow after my first Radical Will appointment. Both Stephanie and I  agreed we had eaten too much to make our own dinner. Plus it was 6:00 pm, it wouldn’t be ready to after 8 pm. Stephanie had bought me a new Diesel bracelet I just loved. It kept catching my eye. I was feeling so bloated, and so gross and fat. I just wanted to puke but it wasn’t an option, so I decided to unload Stephanie’s car of all our presents. We would just put everything in the guest bedroom and deal with it tomorrow. My appointment with the Radical Will Nutritionist was scheduled for 11:00 am.

After we got everything into the house, Stephanie knowing me, realized I was trying to move as much as possible because I felt so fat and bloated. She quietly handed me a Greek yogurt, and I sat down at the kitchen table to eat it. I so didn’t want to eat anything, and this I knew Stephanie would have a say, because we hadn’t eaten since 4:30 pm. I slowly started to eat my yogurt but I just couldn’t do it. I was okay with Stephanie not being pleased, I was so stuffed into my clothes, I needed to get into my pajamas. I got ready for bed, and got myself right into the bed. Stephanie took awhile, but she came along and got in beside me. We talked about what an awesome day it had been, and talked of Radical Will that would start the next day. Stephanie and I chatted about our own Christmas, and when we would cook the meal we didn’t cook on Christmas. We usually celebrated Christmas on New Year’s Eve. I was just laying there thinking I was so grateful, when my heart when into some sort of off rhythm. It felt like my heart was coming out of my chest. I jumped up and told Stephanie I wasn’t alright. She looked at me, I was leaning over holding my heart. She dialed 911 and the paramedics showed up right away. I was sure I was dying, they hooked me up to an EKG. My heart was in A fib, a potentially fatal arrhythmia. My heart was beating over 330 beats a minute. They got an IV in and immediately gave me medication. They even put the sirens on the ambulance.

Long story short, my anorexia had caused the A fib and they thought it was regulating itself with all the medication they were giving me, but then it starting all over again. They had to give me a ton more medication, and were prepping to shock my heart. I don’t remember much. There were people all over the place. I finally saw Stephanie, and I felt a little less scared. My heart rate came down, but they had run my labs, and my electrolytes were all off, which wasn’t any good for my heart. I was obviously getting admitted. Stephanie came up to me, and said she would stay with me the night.

The next morning in the hospital I had all kinds of heart tests. They finally discharged around 4:30 pm. I had missed my first appointment with my nutritionist for my Radical Will. I felt weak and tired, and now had  a ton of heart medication to take. We got home and I just cried. I cried because I almost died, and I cried because I didn’t want to mess up my first two weeks of Radical Will. I called my parents, and ended up falling asleep on the phone. Radical Will would have to wait another day.



Leaving Walden Radical Will Begins part 11

The last two days leading up to Christmas were pretty uneventful.  I was got up in my mind, thinking about what was right on the other side of Christmas.

Stephanie and did some last minute errands, I tried to lay low and not lose any weight. My first appointment with my Radical Will was day after Christmas with the nutritionist. I wasn’t sure she would weigh or not, so to play it safe I aired that she would. My weight the last few days was okay, up one pound down one pound on the next day. I was right in the range when I saw my doctor, I just hoped that Christmas Eve and Christmas day did not do me in.

I was pretty much caught up in my head. Worries of all sorts floated through my mind. From not maintaining my weight, to not being able to do Radical Will, I was pretty much a walking basket case. I worried about things that never struck my mind before, all because I was scared to  death. Failing the weight requirement or at Radical Will, were not options in my universe.

The day before Christmas Eve we went to the grocery store, picked up some fixings to make our own Christmas dinner. I wasn’t too enthused about shopping, I felt bad for Stephanie who was on top of the moon. I believe in her eyes I was getting better, there were no real fires to put out in the days or nights of recent time. I know she felt a great sense of relief. We ended the day at the liquor store, buying bottles of wine and liquor for friends and to have at the house. So many people I knew exchanged wine for Christmas. We got home a little after 8 pm, we had eaten earlier, and my stomach was still in revolt. I wondered to myself how long could it last. We feel asleep watching Orange is the New Black.

Christmas Eve is always exciting. We didn’t have to do a lot of running around. We had plans to see my ex-wife and daughter later in the late afternoon. I got up at my maniac’s hours and battled the cold to get my coffee. I was greeted with a surprise when I returned, Stephanie was up and making eggs and veggie bacon for breakfast. It was a really early morning for her, she said since it was Christmas Eve, she would be on my schedule for the next two days. I went and took my Adderall with the coffee. I wasn’t quite sure how I felt about Stephanie being up so early. I loved her to death and of course was happy, but I had this whole routine I did by myself in the maniac’s hours. All that was getting tossed aside, to make accommodations for Stephanie’s surprise. I was sitting at the kitchen table playing with my phone, she turned and looked at me and said, “Corey go and do your thing. I am making us breakfast than I am going to join you in the study while you do what you do. I am going to finish my book.” I said, “Are you sure?” “She said, “Positively.” I said thank you and I went into my study. I felt very bad that I required my space in the morning, and well like throughout the day. I do not know what it is but I need my time. Sure there are legitimate reasons, like blogging for instance. I posted every morning. I was logging onto my laptop, when I got this terrible pain in my heart. I thought it had to be gas of some sort, it hurt so bad it took my breath away. It passed but I was shaken up further, what if my heart was really not good? I decided not to tell Stephanie, she would have gotten all worked up and probably had me in the emergency room. I had t stay out of the ER. The last month before I went into Walden, I was seen by the ER on 15 occasions. All for legitimate reasons. Not cool at all. Stephanie brought in breakfast to the study, she knew I really wanted to get onto my computer. She set the plates down on the coffee table, I came and sat beside her on the couch. I thanked her for breakfast especially at that the hour, she wished me a Merry Christmas Eve.

We talked about the day, and how I was feeling emotionally about Christmas day. I told her I was consumed with anxious worry, about everything I could worry about. I didn’t want to blow my weight on Christmas day, so I shared my concerns about it with her. She had some good suggestions, and we decided to enjoy the festivities of this Christmas Eve. We had a small tree, candles in the windows, white lights strung up all around the study. We finished eating and much to both of our surprise, I insisted on cleaning up after breakfast. I knew I had to change my self-centered ways. They didn’t bother Stephanie, she was so happy to do, but I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do. I ate not so well, although I ate all my bacon, the rest of my plate was not a good effort. I already felt the cramps coming back, I was very anxious to talk to my team about it in the next two weeks. I got up slowly, I got that heart pain again, and I froze. I wasn’t sure what to make of it. Again it passed and I went out to the kitchen, and dove in to getting it cleaned up. I told Stephanie, to go get her book, I would be done in no time and we could be together in the study. When I heard her on the second floor I was overcome with feeling so fat! I left the kitchen and went into the bathroom, I hurriedly took off my clothes and jumped on the scale. It said I was down a little over a pound, I didn’t think that could be accurate. I got back dressed up and scooted into the kitchen, I finished cleaning and wiping down the counters. I went back into the study, and made note of my stomach attack. It was hard to distract myself, I swear they were nothing short of labor pains.

Stephanie came in in her robe with her book. The first thing she said was you don’t look well. She suggested that I go back to bed, but I hadn’t even got on my computer. However the cramps were too intense, I needed to get up and at least move around. Stephanie suggested we go up to the bedroom, and put in some of the Orange is the New Black. I was hurting too much to go lay down, I told Stephanie I needed a couple of minutes. I grabbed heating pads and tried to lay on the couch, but I was now getting this funny pain from my stomach to my heart it was all very weird. I was now starting to get nervous. I jumped back up and walked around the house. Finally I got to a place, where I could go lay down I thought. I headed up to the bedroom. Stephanie already had Netflix’s on. I took my heating pads and fell in the bed. I couldn’t get the scale out of my mind, I wanted to weigh myself in the bathroom up by the bedroom. It suddenly dawned on me I three bathrooms, and each one of them had a scale. I don’t think that is how most people live. I told Stephanie I was going to the bathroom. I went in and quickly undressed, stood on the scale and closed my eyes. What the fuck, this scale said I was down a pound a half! I had been eating and not over doing it, I was going to have to tell Stephanie about this.

I came out of the bathroom and said, “The scale is down a pound and a half. I don’t understand what is going on with me.” “Oh sweetie, I am so sorry.” “I need to call my doctor today. I can’t take any chances of this getting worse. I pray that he has some mercy for me coming clean, otherwise I was going to be sent to the medical floor at the hospital. My cramps were still raging I was crawling out of my skin, I asked Stephanie if she wanted to watch the show. I was way deep into my twisted sick head, I wondered how I was really going to make it. The show was on, but I didn’t pay attention, I prayed and I prayed for help and strength and most of all courage. I had to do right by my body this time. Finally the cramps subsided a bit, I got close to Stephanie just to feel her peace. Oh how peace eluded me badly, Stephanie was filled with it, and I sometimes tried to borrow some of hers. I didn’t know what I was going to say to the doctor. I closed my eyes to think, and next thing you know I am awaking up all alone in my bed, the clock says 12:30 pm. I had slept for hours I think it was the stress, I wondered where Stephanie was. Then it hit me I had to call the doctor. I got my phone and looked him up in my contacts. I dialed and got a nice assistant. She knew me, and tried to find the doctor. Eventually the doctor got on the phone. My heart was racing a million miles an hour.

“Hi it’s Corey and I wanted to tell you, despite eating well and limiting my activity, the scale said after breakfast I was down a pound a half. I just wanted to check in and let you know.”

“I appreciate your call Corey, it comes as a surprise that you are being so diligent regarding my words. I tell you what, I see you next Monday, I am going to make a note in your chart. If you lose another pound and a half whomever is on call will have you admitted. Remember this is a stressful time of year, eat up, and truly limit your activity. Any questions or concerns for me? ”

“No doctor I am at a loss as to why I would lose this weight given my routine these last couple of days. I wish you Happy Holidays. I will be sure to call if the scale dips below. Thank you very much for your time today.”

I hung up my phone and threw it onto the bed, I was so relieved it wasn’t even funny. I was scared of so many things. From losing more weight, my heart pains, and possible in-patient admission. In the back of all this worry was Radical Will, I was trying to call upon it. Didn’t seem to be working out all too well. I prayed and prayed for some relief. Stephanie was coming up to the bedroom. I told about the doctor’s call. She looked surprised that I had actually done it, maybe this Radical Will and team approach was starting to work on me in the smallest ways. I needed to get up and eat, and then get on with the rest of Christmas Eve. Tomorrow would be a big day, and I had to manage it right. I found myself praying again……..



Recovery To Christmas 2015 part 10

After my doctor’s appointment, I was definitely filled with lots of emotional baggage.  Most of it I just kept to myself, but parts of it I shared with Stephanie. I wasn’t hiding anything from

her at all. My feelings were much too deep for me to reach them and talk about them. I had a lot to do, the hospital was first, then I had to go pick up Stephanie’s Christmas day present.

We got right over to the hospital. I went through registration and then sat in the lab waiting room. It was very crowded which aggravated me. I knew we would be here for a little while. Finally I got called, and I followed the technician. I told although my veins looked very good, they were full of scars and could she please use a butterfly needle with me. She was pretty good and got me on the first stick. Nine vials later with a Band-Aid I walked back out to meet Stephanie.

We headed outside into the cold, she playfully put her arm in mine. I secretly loved it when she did that, but I would never tell her. “Where are we going next? Remember we need to be careful how much we do each day. Christmas is still three days away, so everything doesn’t need to get done at once. How about you pick two places you want to go, then we head home and call it a day?”

“That is fine by me, I am scared to death of losing anymore weight. I need to go to downtown Portsmouth, I need a minute to pick up your Christmas day present. I will worry about the rest of our Christmas later. I am really going to try to be good and keep my weight up.”

“Okay with me,” Stephanie replied. We drove towards Portsmouth and she asked me what was on my mind?

“I am just trying to take in the appointment and the stiff road I have in front of me. I feel a bit off, maybe a juice or coconut water would help me out a bit.” We drove right to a Cumberland Farm’s store. I loved these new stores and Stephanie knew it. We went inside,  first I got a slushy with three different flavors, and picked out a few drinks. For some reason I need a lot of liquid. My family thinks I do it on purpose, but it isn’t true. I am always thirsty. Not sure what it is. I paid for our stuff and we headed to Portsmouth.  We went right to the parking garage. It was fuller than full but we did find a spot on the very top. We made a plan to meet in a half hour out front of Starbuck’s. I went the wrong way to throw her off, I was really headed to the jewelry store I had picked out a sapphire and diamond ring, no not a lab gem, this cost me a lot. I had a special setting designed for her, on each side of the gem was a diamond. I don’t know if she knew this, but in France it is the traditional engagement ring.

I got into the store, and the salesperson recognized me. She was more than nice. She said the ring was all ready and it was brilliant. She brought out a  package with a velvet bag, and then a box and within it another ring box. I thought wow I  hope I got the price right, this could be a big surprise to me. She unpackaged the ring, and my gosh it was out of this world! I told her I was very happy. She told me I owed the last 2,000 dollars. I took out my black Amex and charged it right away. I was so happy, and excited for Stephanie on Christmas morning. I was afraid of losing the ring, so I zipped it inside my coat where it would be safe. I thought I had enough time to run to this other store, called Preludes. It is Camie’s, my ex-wife’s, favorite store and I wanted to get her favorite perfume and a gift certificate for her as well. I looked at my phone and I only had ten minutes. My stomach was starting hurt, I was getting too cold, and started to feel tired. I decided to go to the store and get it out of the way.  I hurried in and picked up the perfume, and got in line to wait my turn. I got to the cashier and asked for a gift certificate, and paid for everything and bolted from the store. My belly was hurting really bad, and I was so tired I couldn’t walk fast to meet Stephanie. I ended up being 10 minutes late. She was standing inside the door at Starbuck’s. She greeted me with a smile, had bags of her own, and we walked back to the parking garage.

We started heading home, and I was feeling worse. I asked Stephanie, “Do we have any heating pads in the car?” “No,” she said, “I am sorry.” I told it wasn’t her fault at all and that one thing I wanted to do, was buy a case of those instant heating pads. I was going through them like crazy. All of a sudden my doctor’s conversation hit me like a ton of bricks. I was thinking of what he said about my daughter Bella, and how I had to shield some of this from her. I got this sick, vacant, morbid feeling about not seeing her as much as usual. Although I knew it was best for her. I worried she would think I didn’t want to see her. I needed to let her know this was so I could get all better and get life back to where it was. I couldn’t help but cry, this was my baby. I was hurting her, and I never wanted that but that is what happened. I thought of the doctor telling me “Mommy got sick and now she is all better.” I worried so much about the better part.  Stephanie asked me about eating as we got closer to Dover. “Do you want to go out and grab lunch? Or do you want to go home and eat?” I told her, I wanted to go home, I was going to make a greens smoothie in my bullet, and try to eat a couple of yogurts. I knew from my nutritionist the smoothie had almost 500 calories and was the best thing I could eat.

We got home, and I was so beat. Stephanie told me I looked drained. We went inside and I put my packages in my study. I would deal with them later. I needed to eat, but my stomach was on fire. I went to get some heating pads. I laid down on the couch in the study, and I had no idea what Stephanie was doing. In a few minutes she walked in with a smoothie, I was so happy I could have cried. She was fixing up some Indian food leftovers, and told me to stay put, she would be back with my yogurts too. I noticed she was pushing the food on me today. It didn’t bother me, I just took notice. I drank some of my smoothie, and it coated my belly for a moment. I had forgotten to take the emergency pill for my stomach, I just needed to put the bottle in the kitchen. I was beyond tired, and sad down deep inside the crevasses of my being. I was looking forward to the holidays, but I was nervous I would have the stamina to do it all. Plus I had to deal with my eating, and my parents for extended times.

Stephanie joined me in the study with her food, and my two yogurts. I hadn’t drank much of my smoothie, and it was most important to drink that all up first. I just couldn’t get my stomach to stop, I thought it must have been the slushy I sipped. I drank some more, and wanted to go to bed. It was only 1:30 pm, not time for bed, but I felt like resting. Stephanie asked me how I was feeling? I said emotionally or physically? She said, “Tell all that you feel Corey Britton.” I smiled at her and said, “I will be right back.” I went into the bathroom and took off my clothes. I put on some clean fleece pajamas and came back out to the study where Stephanie was gone. I laid back down, I could barely stand it, I couldn’t touch the yogurts right now at all. I did try to drink a few sips of my smoothie, but I didn’t end up finishing it. Stephanie came back, and she was in her leggings and a sweater, I think she could tell that I was really struggling. I asked her, “Do you mind if we go upstairs and lay down? You don’t have to if you have things you want to do, I just need to get back in the bed, and do my best to settle my stomach.” “You didn’t eat your yogurts. Does you stomach hurt that bad? I am so sorry!” “Stephanie,” I said, “It isn’t your fault at all,”

Stephanie picked up the study and I basically crawled up the stairs. I got to the top, and the tears started running. This was so hard, I didn’t know if I could do it even for Bella. I was so tired, and hurt so much. On top of that I didn’t eat what I wanted, and now the smoothie was wrecking more havoc on my belly. I got up and found some more heating pads. I took a Diet Sprite out of the mini-refrigerator and got back into bed. I tried to say my gratitude for the day, but my stomach pain was distracting me. My phone rang, it was my parents. I didn’t want to talk to them but that wasn’t kind. “Hey Mom, I said. “How did your appointment go?” “Honestly it was a lot and I don’t feel well at all right now. I didn’t want to be rude and ignore your call. You can call my doctor he can give you the whole scope, I signed the release for you to speak with him directly.” “Well tell me how is your weight?” “Mom, it is down just a bit but I cant stay on the phone right now. I will call you back later if you want.” “Yes, please call me back, and how is Bella?” “Mom I don’t know, I really need to go.”

I got off the phone and realized this was my worst ever stomach attack. I think because I already had it and then I drank the smoothie, I don’t think it helped matters much at all. I heard Stephanie coming up the stairs.

She had a book she was reading in her hands. This meant she was being very kind to lay down with me, and she would read her book since she wasn’t tired, I got up and told her this was the worst attack yet, and I needed more heating pads. I threw out the other ones, and grab three new ones and headed into the bathroom. I wanted to see how I looked. I looked tired, but I think all my product was working, I didn’t see the lines as profoundly as before. I used the restroom, and washed my hands and face as well as brushed my teeth. I think I was hoping one of things would help my stomach out. I went back and crawled right into the bed. I was feeling down and sick and had lots of  stuff on my mind. I remembered the day after Christmas I was meeting with my nutritionist. That would make two appointments with my team. I had to spend some time talking to Stephanie about Radical Will and me and my anorexia. I had to wrap my mind around the real idea; not just the concept. I snuggled up to Stephanie and closed my eyes. I wanted my stomach to stop, now! I was tired, and remembered I had to eat the yogurts before dinner time. “Stephanie played with my hair. I loved it when she did that to me. I tried to relax but between thoughts and pain I couldn’t really distract myself.

I thought about this journey of starvation I had been on for way too long.My stomach was letting me know it wasn’t happy, and my mind was not happy either. I needed this all to change quite quickly, but it wouldn’t happen overnight. I tried to relax, and started to get sleepy. I was overcome with sadness I did not understand. I put the blankets over my head, and started to cry. I am not sure even why. I was crying a lot my life was a living hell I had constructed and facilitated. I had nobody to blame but my own self. I really hated myself I realized. I despised myself for doing all of this. It was totally unnecessary. I loathed the frail, pathetic person I had become. I thought hard on how I could turn things around, but there were no quick fixes to say the least. I drifted off to sleep feeling like a monster from my insides out.