I was nervous as hell sitting in Pam’s office. I honestly didn’t know what to expect. About my weight lose or anything else might say. In all of my time I have never talked to a therapist or doctor about me in relationship to my eating disorder.
I thought for a second I should have thought more or harder about things. Perhaps I should have prepared a memo to Pam since I do much better with writing my feelings down, and I seem to get in touch with them more successfully.
First thing Pam said was, “Corey please try to relax.” I laughed out loud how did she now I was nervous, petrified was more like it. She continued, “This our time, this is our space, what we say or do is something we will agree upon. I am not filled with a stack full of rules, a few that we will go over. My office is safe for you, to say anything you want or want to share with me. Let me be clear, yes I am part of your Radical Will team, however I will not be reporting back to the other practitioners as you may think. You personal emotions and feelings how off the wall they might be, is not what and how I will brief the team. Obviously if you are danger to yourself, I would notify the team right away, and be sure you knew I was doing it. Please feel free to jump in at any time to speak. I have read your entire history with this disease. I noticed something when I read through the entirety of your records. Have you ever been asked by anybody how you feel, or discuss your feelings regarding eating with anyone?
“No, I replied, “No one has ever asked me a single question it all revolves around my weight restoration and my compliance with the rules I have been provided with.”
“First Corey let me say I am very sorry no one has taken care of the part of you that is making you so ill. Your mind and emotions are the biggest players, after the eating disorder we are going to refer as your ED. ED is a guy you have a sick and unhealthy relationship with. You will end up telling all about your own ED. There are not two of the same Eds. Everyone’s ED is unique as you are, and so is how your body reacts to wait you do or don’t do because of your ED. I don’t want to overwhelm you, I have 25 years of recovery. I have my PhD in psychology with a very specific foundation in all times of eating disorders. I have to tell you nobody has come in suggesting Radical Will, was that someone at Walden? ” “No it was me, I thought of this concept all on my own. Obviously the idea of Radical Will already existed I chose to make it my way to get to well. I was and I remain very scared of being a lifer with this disease.”
“Wow Corey I must tell you I mightily impressed. I have never heard of this approach being utilized for an eating disorder. I would like to start right here if you will. I don’t want to put you on the spot but I want to understand this origin of concept you have successfully put into motion. Can you describe how got to Radical Will?”
“It started at Walden on my first visit which was a nightmare for everyone involved. Do you recall it or should I give the short version?” “No Corey that is fine I must laugh right here and tell you that is a story you don’t forget.”
“Okay so I was starving myself solely by restriction. I am a 100 percent restrictor. I get throw up as much as I have wanted to at certain times. I looked at the patient we were all different but there was a commonality I saw with many of the patients. They had been to Walden many and many times, and even tried other places in the past. I deemed them the lifers, I meant no disrespect. I was there for the first time and others were much more comfortable with being in Walden it seemed like a second home the staff treated them very differently, they got babied and cuddled and they were all over 18 years
of age, I never got to know anyone’s personal story I kept to myself for almost the whole time I was social but did not go deep. I knew the feeding tube was a waste, I kept thinking of going home and picking up my old life which lead me so close to death. One day I was in the common room with another girl. One her journal was a quote, it read :”One day I woke up and I didn’t like how I felt, so I decided to change just like that.”
I was mesmerized by the quote and its meaning to me specifically. I was revolting at Walden for more than one reason obviously. However I had started to get sick of being sick and this quote seemed like a way out that is what I mean when I say Radical Will in regarding to anorexia. I am tired of being sick and I want to be in a different body I just want to be done with this no big talks about why or how come? I am very aware of what triggers me and that is what I needed to know. So that is my story of my version of Radical Will I hope it will help some others out. That’s my story of Radical Will to be used with anorexia.”
“Corey I am so moved by this, stepping outside the box to find an answer not a question. I agree you will find we think along the same lines. I would like to take a break and tell you my expectations and how you and I will work together. Help yourself to the refrigerator I am just going to use the restroom. I don’t want to tax all that much pretty self-defeating and I would like to give you something to think about: How about a second appointment with me this week on Friday? Think about tit no need to make a decision right now. Also if there are loved ones in your life who you would like me to meet I invite to tell me so we can set that up. I find a lot of times patients have a go-to person on their team.
Pam left to go to the restroom. I looked at the clock and we only had thirty five minutes but so much she caused to happen and move inside of me. I had never talked through the whole idea of Radical Will to myself or anybody else. She got me to feel so many things. I was going to write a book about my Radical Will and how it could others, it didn’t need to be the only way people worked on getting better. However I got it of me it was so deep. I was feeling so excited for Stephanie to meet Pam. I know Pam was going to be responsible for saving my life. That is a huge thing to realize in a first visit since I have been sick I have not talked to any practitioner about anything. Just loosely about my Radical Will. I closed my eyes and leaned back, the weight of the disease was no longer on my back. Pam made sure in getting me to talk I got to the point where my Radical Will kicked into gear. The tears dropped down from my eyes, down my checks and onto my shirt. I was okay I was going to be safe. Thank you dear God for sparing me from myself and giving myself a brain to figure things out. I got up to look for a tissue, I was really overwhelmed and so relieved. I had to get myself back together Pam would be back and this I didn’t want her to see……….
BORN THIS WAY-2016