Starting up school to work on my Ph.D. was the trigger for me. My perfectionism bled right through my school to my body to every facet of my life. The high in the beginning is so crazy and sickly beautiful. But as I lay on the guest bed with Stephanie rubbing my boney back, I am at a place of total disgrace for myself and what I let myself become. I loathe myself, I can’t and don’t want to look in a mirror. It has been close to a year since I have had my picture taken.
Stephanie reminds of my smoothie and my phone appointment with Pam. I haven’t talked to her in three weeks since the heart attack I think I will be ready to go back to regular appointments real soon. I am grateful that she have a phone appointment-she says she usually doesn’t do it but in my case with a heart attack she would make an exception.
I sat up shaking, I think it was all the medication in my body. I had no idea all that I was taking. The visiting nurse gave me a handful of pills every morning and again in the evening. In between Stephanie gave a couple herself. I didn’t even know where the bottles were kept or how long I would have to be on so many pills. I had an appointment with the cardiologist tomorrow and I hoped to get to ask some questions. I felt like I was a living time bomb and I wanted to know if that was really my case. Stephanie asked me how I was feeling. I looked at her with my sad eyes and just shrugged my shoulders. She told me I should probably use the bathroom before my call started with Pam in 10 minutes. I got up slowly, feeling unsteady and weak, and Stephanie helped to the bathroom. We capped my feeding tube since I was going to be drinking my smoothie. It was so good to get away from the pole and the pump. We got me into the bathroom and I had said I was fine. There was no way Stephanie was going to watch me pee. I am such a private and modest person. I didn’t want her to even see me like I was, but it was way too late for that. I went to the sink to wash my hands and brush my teeth, Stephanie knocked on the door and asked if she could come back in. She said Pam had just called, to see if I had any eating history or my emotional charts done to fax over to her before the call actually happened. Stephanie thankfully let her know I had not been doing that stuff but we would start up today. I don’t think Pam knew just how bad my heart attack was, and Stephanie told her, I was consistently doing my smoothie and being seen by a visiting nurse twice a day. I finished my teeth and hands and thanked Stephanie for taking the call from Pam. I hoped she wasn’t mad or thought that I was not complaint.
At 3:00 pm my phone rang, I answered it and was Pam. I asked her if I could put her on speaker phone. She said no problem so I did and laid down on the couch in the study. Stephanie stepped out of the room. Pam started and asked me kind questions about where I was at with the heart attack. She said it was getting close to a worst case scenario. She didn’t mean to scare me, she was telling me from her experience as a ED therapist. I asked her, “I am really concerned my metabolism is playing a role in my inability to stabilize my weight or put any back on. I think I am having an appointment with an endocrinologist.” She told me she knew of a great one in Boston that dealt with a lot of eating disorders patients. I asked her, “Could you later text me their name and number and what hospital they are affiliated with?” She said absolutely and that she wanted to keep this appointment to no longer to a half hour. She continued, “At this point what I am looking for is you getting back to normalcy and continuing with our plans of filling out the forms I had given to you. Corey are you well enough to get started with the eating and feelings journals? I would like you to fill out them daily?”
I said, “Yes, I will start it today.” Pam continued,” The work we have to do just got harder and we have lost three weeks of time, so I will be asking a lot of you. Don’t worry about writing about Radical Will right now. If you could do the eating journal and feelings/thoughts journal daily that is a great place for us to pick up. I think by the week after next you will be okay to come to my office. So I am so grateful you are okay. Let’s talk next week at this same day and time. I will text you my fax number so please fax your weekly journals to me like a half hour before the appointment begins.” I said, “Okay.” Then I asked her “Was there anything I could take naturally that would slow down my metabolism?” She said, “I don’t know of anything natural but I would suspect some of your heart medications may have a similar effect. There is an anti-depressant drug called Remeron that is known to make your metabolism sluggish. However I want you to be seen by this endocrinologist in Boston.” I thanked her and she told me to hang in there. She would be texting me the information she had promised. We said good bye, and I hung up the phone.
I sat up and felt dizzy I did not try to stand. I drank some of my smoothie and needed Stephanie to help me find blank copies of Pam’s journals. I needed to photocopy them and put two in a folder I could use throughout the day. I went to stand up and oh boy I wasn’t ready. I needed to try to eat at least a yogurt. I called out to Stephanie. She didn’t come so I guessed she was upstairs. I texted her, I know it seems obnoxious but she told me to do it, my voice is not very loud. She was downstairs in a second, told me she folding laundry. I was so scared of burning her out with my needs, I had a script for a home health aide that would do cleaning and laundry, I really told I wanted to do that. She looked at me very sadly, and said she wanted to do everything and hopefully I would be much better before she had to return to work in just three short weeks. She asked about the appointment with Pam, and I started to cry. I told her Pam said we were almost at the worse case scenario and that scared me. I heard Pam’s texts come into my messenger and I told Stephanie about her suggestion for the endocrinologist in Boston. She said could I get the name and the number from my phone. She was going to call them right now, after looking them up on the internet. I got her the numbers and told her I needed to eat a yogurt and get the pole and the pump because as soon as I was done with the yogurt I needed to be back on the pump. She jumped up and went to get everything. I felt so bad that I was so over-using her and she was my very best friend. I was worried I was blowing our friendship with my illness. Another demise to add to the heap of my incredible insanity with starvation that I once saw as my best friend and now was my worst enemy.
I ate the yogurt and Stephanie looked up the doctor on-line. She said she seemed extremely qualified and it made mention of her work specifically with ED patients. Stephanie called, and explained the situation to whomever answered the phone. They made me an appointment for next week and gave Stephanie a fax number to have all my medical records faxed down to them. I thanked Stephanie for doing that and asked her to come sit next to me. I told her I was really worried that we weren’t going to be the same best friends because of this illness and all my complications. She said I was right, my heart sunk, I started to cry. She said, “Oh no Corey, you didn’t let me finish. We aren’t going to be the same best friends, we are going to be closer than that! This has made me love you so much as my friend.” she said, “I feel the same way, but I am worried about not being a best friend right back.” I told her my parents wanted to come up and stay and that would give her a break I wanted her to consider it. I asked her when my appointment was scheduled for next week? She told on Monday morning at 10 am. I said I better call my primary care and get them to fax down my records. I texted Pam first and asked her to fax my records to the doctor for next Monday’s appointment. I called my primary care office. The receptionist was so happy to hear from me she said she had heard what happened. I explained I needed my records faxed to the doctor for my appointment on Monday and that I was seeing the cardiologist tomorrow. Could she please let my doctor know? She said she had written a note and would make sure everyone was on the same page. Oh I lastly told her to let my primary care doctor know I had had a phone appointment with Pam my ED therapist today. I thanked her and told me to call me with any questions. And also could she find out when my primary care wanted to see me in the office? I hung up the phone and felt like such a loser. Here I was making a big mess out of my once completely healthy body, I was so fucked in the head. I couldn’t stand myself and so I decided to get on the computer and start to write my short narrative of my anorexia. It was going to be called the “Illness of My Discontent.” I asked Stephanie to help hook my feeding tube back up and told her I was going to start writing my narrative on anorexia. I would be taking English Comp in the next semester and the narrative was the first paper we would write. I was really super motivated for some reason to be productive and not sick for a little bit. I started to write the opening paragraph, I had already written it, as I had lived it already and it was easy but gut-wrenching to write about the pain of disgust I experienced from some students before I went into the hospital. I don’t blame them one bit, I was a sorry, pathetic person, who was so twisted in the head.
BORN THIS WAY-2016