I had the weekend with Stephanie and we tried as much as possible to keep things low key and as normal as was possible with handfuls of heart pills and a feeding tube to deal throughout the day and night.
Not the best of times for sure. I was scared to death of my body. Stephanie helped me get through both Saturday and Sunday as she provided as much normalcy as possible. We didn’t talk about a lot we tried to keep life light, didn’t make a big deal of medications, and just dealt with my feeding tube as needed be.
Stephanie was great with surprising me with a visit from my daughter, Bella. I was so happy and so okay once I got to see her. She put on a brave face and didn’t mention the obvious feeding tube across my face. I was able to be her mommy, and not Corey who just had a heart attack and might well not make it through all of this medical trauma that my body was subjected to as a result of constant starvation for close to 18 months. Starvation was a part of my body’s reality which jeopardized my well-being in all facets of my health.
Sunday night before I was due to go to the endocrinologist in Boston Stephanie and I had a great night as we just didn’t talk about anything that was medical related and we tried to engage one another as best friends as we made a decision to make a collage together. Art has always proven to be a healing entity for my psyche. Working on the collage with Stephanie was so filled with a lightness of being and a happiness as I let go of my body’s worries for the time we were doing the collage. Stephanie had found a contest, so our collage was super important for many reasons. I am so grateful to Stephanie that she took all my worry away and replaced it with moments of laughter and conversation that we hadn’t engaged in together in months.
We had a very early day coming up as we were scheduled to be at the endocrinologist at 10:00am in the morning. We would have to leave the house at 6:30 am in order to make time for the rush hour traffic we would run into.
Monday morning came and our collage material was scattered with intention all over the study. I was nervous again, reality had returned I was fighting off worries of heart issues and issues of refeeding. My biggest worry was that I would be found to be hypermetabolic and that would not be a good factor for me as I sought desperately weight restoration.
The drive to Boston was quiet. I was in another world. Stephanie was the best friend I could ever ask for in this situation or any situation. I had realized that Stephanie was the best thing I had going for me along with my daughter. Both of them brought me much happiness and took my bodily worries away from me. We hit rush hour traffic and sat pretty still for almost 20 minutes. I started to get stressed that I was not going to make my appointment. We should have scheduled it for later in the day but I wanted to get in to the first available slot.
We made our way to Massachusetts General Hospital where the endocrinologist was located. We got to the parking garage and I started to stress out with anxiety. I didn’t know how much more of anything I could take. We made our way to endocrinology and I checked in with the front desk. I was given a bunch of paperwork and slumped down and filled it out to the best of my ability. Stephanie was such a constant and she kept me so grounded. I was called by a medical assistant and turned to say bye to Stephanie. I was brought to an examine room and told to just have a seat.
I let my mind wander and I was filled with anxiety once again. I sat for like 20 minutes before there was a knock on the door. In walked a woman and two men all in white coats. The woman introduced herself as the chief of endocrinology and the men were two of her fellows. She told me I had a colorful medical history and she was sorry I wasn’t well. She told me she had reviewed all my medical records and looked at specific tests that had been run already. She said everything she would do had been done, which made this appointment more beneficial in some ways.
The doctor talked about refeeding and how that plays apart when your body is coming back from starvation. She unfortunately for me the news was not good, she was sorry to say. I appeared to be in a hypermetabolic state-which meant my metabolic rate was just sky high and there was little intervention that could be done. It was the news I had feared for so long but now I had an answer and it gave me some credibility with my doctors because I was eating what I wrote down and doing my smoothie every day it just didn’t matter as my body was burning through calories as fast as I could eat them. It was a dangerous position because I lacked the nutrients my body and brain needed. She recommended some nutritional supplement to be administered through my continuous feeding tube. I fought back tears, my back and all the rest of me were up against the wall. She would further recommend for me to come back and be admitted over night so they could try some super dense nutrient rich feeding supplement that could be very hard on your entire digestive system including your kidneys. She thought I should schedule an admission as soon as I checked with my Radical Will team which now included the cardiologists as well. She asked me if I had any questions, and would follow up immediately with my team in hopes of getting me admitted perhaps as early as later this week.
I thanked her and the fellows, and they walked me out to Stephanie. I was fighting back tears, not very well, and Stephanie could see I wasn’t alright. We headed out as soon as I could get my jacket on. I broke down crying in the hallway as we waited for the elevator. She said without asking anything you are hypermetabolic aren’t you, sweetie. I looked at her as I was crying and nodded my head yes. There was very little I could in my power to fight this condition. It had been plaguing me for months and months. I cried and cried I just didn’t want to die from another heart attack or losing too much weight I was understanding more the situation I was in with this starvation. It was quite dire I couldn’t say anything more. I just went quiet and prayed until we got to the car, and then I fell apart right before Stephanie’s eyes…….
BORN THIS WAY-2016