Radical Will part 7 Woke Up Not Feeling Right

I woke up feeling tired and off. Something did not feel right with me. It was Friday New Year’s Eve and my primary care after talking to Pam decided to see me the next day. I was of course worried about the scale but besides that I wasn’t okay. Not sure what else to say.

I got up slower than usual and it took extra time to put on my gear to go to the store and get my coffee with Julia Bleu. We made it but it wasn’t all that pretty. We settled into the study at about 3:00 am and I started working on my blog.

Didn’t have a clue as to what to right about. Tomorrow I would write about New Year’s resolutions of course. I had many I wanted to complete this coming year. I was going to be intentional in my Radical Will self care for starters.  What could I possibly write about today? A look at the year in review, seemed liked the most twisted of ideas I could up for myself. Detailing the past year of starvation wasn’t looking all that promising to probably anyone but me. I settled on New Year’s Eve celebrations and wrote how Stephanie and I rang in the New Year.

The coffee started hitting me funny I didn’t feel right at all. My heart seemed to beating with skips it felt like hiccups in my heart. Then it happened, I got the numbness I had so fearfully dreaded. I called 911 and yelled for Stephanie. I was tight in my chest and I couldn’t catch a deep breath. I just kept talking to God to please do not let me die, I begged to live, I begged for mercy. Stephanie was putting on her clothes and the paramedics showed up I was able to hang up the phone with 911. They came in with all kinds of machines. They laid me onto a board and started an IV and gave me pills to put under my tongue. I asked them all of them any of them if I was going to be alright? One nice lady answered me I need to not worry. I was being taken care of, as the numbness went over to my shoulder and my chest got so tight I really couldn’t breath, It set off all the monitors. I was crying and asking was I going to be okay. They were talking to doctors at the hospital. I panicked and looked for Stephanie. She was standing quite close and I told her I loved her and if I wasn’t okay please tell Bella I loved more than anything in this entire world, They started to carry me down the stairs but the monitors were all going off. I could see Stephanie crying as she held my pug Julia Bleu. Finally we got to the ambulance, I hadn’t realized it but my shirt was ripped wide open. I was feeling a little less stressed. However the pain in m chest stopped me from breathing. I had on an oxygen mask I  didn’t like it .Nobody could hear me talk.

At the hospital I was rushed into a great big open room with lots of medical people all doing things to me. Somebody asked me my name, another asked when did this start. I told them I woke up feeling very off. There were people everywhere and soon I saw Stephanie. She was all red from crying and I was still praying to God to please do not let me die tonight, I begged and I started to cry I did it I had killed myself by not eating, They went to take my chain with my cross off and I yelled NO! Leave it on. I continued it was part of my faith and right now whoever did that was an ass I said to all these people. They told me to relax, to close my eyes and breath deep. They were doing something to my chest washing it and drying it over and over. They asked me how I felt I said I didn’t know. All of a sudden something was stuck into my chest. A probe or a needle with electric shock. They asked how I was feeling I said very tired but I felt these zappies. They told me they were fixing the electricity of my heart.. I was so tired I closed my eyes…….

The next thing I woke up with a bunch of people around me and I saw Stephanie and my ex wife.  They came up one on each side me. They were both crying and I didn’t know why. Stephanie said it was so good to see me open my eyes. Camie said I love you even though when you are better we will talk about you and how your daughter needs you and you can’t leave us not now! The nurses came over and asked them both to let me be for a minute. I didn’t know where I was in the hospital. I asked where I am right now? One of the nurses told me, “You are in ICU. ” “I didn’t have heart attack did I?”

Stephanie came over , and said, “Corey you did have a heart attack you almost died early yesterday morning.” What has happened to me why have I been asleep so long I never sleep? A doctor came over and introduced himself. He said that they put me in a slight medical coma to calm my body down. I started to cry, and Stephanie and my ex wife came over the bed and hugged me tight…..




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