Radical Will Eating Disorders Therapy Session part 5

Pam returned from the restroom with an ice cold water in her hand. I couldn’t tell if she knew I had cried. I just it didn’t matter there was probably going to be a lot of crying going on with her with me.

Again, she brought up my Radical Will concept and asked me if I had written it all out like I explained to her. I said no, I had bits and pieces, and knew it in my head for sure. She asked me to write an abstract on it for our next meeting.  She said she wanted to finish off this session with the house keeping business.  She explained she didn’t accept my insurance and that the first visit was $250 dollars and the visits after that were an hour at $190 per session. She said she knew this created stress and strain for some of her patients. I said I obviously wished it was covered but could and would handle the out of pocket expenses.

We hurriedly spoke about cancellations, no-shows, lack of prompt payment; all the reasons healthcare can get so ugly. Pam wanted to squeeze in one more conversation regarding me if that was possible.

She asked about the people who loved and cared for me. I explained all about Camie, Bella, Stephanie and my parents. I said I had a lot of friends that I had pulled back from with this sickness. She asked about a significant other and I quickly said Stephanie. We were not romantically involved yet but she was my rock and was on leave from  work to get me to my first two weeks of Radical Will appointments. Pam asked if she was here? I said yes, and she said may I meet this beautiful compassionate person? I said sure. I hoped Stephanie didn’t feel too put on the spot as Pam got up and headed to the  hallway that lead to the waiting room.

Next I knew Stephanie is in the room, and I can tell she loves Pam already. Stephanie sits down beside me and Pam complimented her in the most gracious and compassionate way possibly. She told Stephanie she was a very special person and although I probably didn’t get the enormity of it all, at some point I would realize just how amazing Stephanie really was. Pam caught me off guard when she asked if she could give Stephanie a business card. She asked if I was alright if Stephanie wanted to call her? I said yes, but I would want to know about it before it happened. Of course they both replied. Pam had us all fill out consents to talk, and these calls were to be left out of my records. I was a little surprised Stephanie wanted her card but then I imagined too many times Stephanie was left on her own with me to get me out of a jam. Pam asked about meeting again on Friday and I said fine. She had a an 11 am slot open and would that work. Friday was New Year’s Eve so I didn’t want to be out doing this stuff later. I looked at Stephanie and said, “This will work right?” “Sure not a problem,” she replied.  Okay my first major moment in my recovery had  taken place and I knew in my heart I had met a person who truly could help me help myself.

I got my gear on and felt really calm. I wasn’t scared of my body at the moment but it was very hungry. We got outside and it was cold. Stephanie said I looked good. Wow, I don’t think she has said that in that way in many months. I got into the car and took some of my medication for my stomach. I didn’t have the liquid on me. I needed a prescription Ensure in me as soon as possible. Stephanie didn’t have time to warm the car up so we were a little chilled like pointy icicles on the front of a house at like 4 am in the bitter cold. We were both sort of quiet. I think Stephanie was really happy to meet Pam, and saw I was changed. Forever, Pam got to me , to my core. She created a safe and healthy place for me to grow, have a set back, fail, and get right back up and do it again. Her interest in what has been a solo adventure with Radical Will really pumped me up and talking about it in its entirety was so good and necessary for me. I remembered what Pan had mentioned, she wanted a formal abstract on Radical Will by our next appointment on Friday. I was excited but nervous to actually formerly put it all together and also sign my name officially to a new ED recovery program I had created with my own knowledge and pain endured from trying it from other ways. I hoped I had it in me to write this succinctly and with clarity and consideration for all that needed to be considered. I would work on it, the outline today, and get up at the maniac’s hour to write it or at least the first pass.

I looked over at Stephanie she was deep in thought while driving, Wanted to know what was on her mind but didn’t ask. Wanted to talk with her but I would give her another minute. We were heading to pick up Bella. A real treat. An afternoon visit with dinner. Not too long to cause too much worry but enough for us to connect. I finally spoke to Stephanie. So what are you thinking about, honestly. No fibbing. I am thinking about how I am really excited for New Year’s Eve together and I really liked meeting  Pam and being included. “Stephanie I didn’t know you wanted to come. You can come to any of my appointments. Honestly, I would like it to be truthful.”

“Oh I am not sure how that would go over with your doctors.” “The only one I truly care about right now is Pam, and she actually asked if there was anyone I wanted her to meet, ” I responded.

Stephanie looked at me like she had something very important to say to me. “So do you want to tell me about your session with Pam? You are obviously happy and I think relieved and I would love to hear about it if  you are up for sharing.”

“Of course I am up for sharing. I would always tell you everything you wanted to know.

“She is amazing. When I first saw her I thought she had an eating disorder. On Pam refers to my eating disorder as ED. I have a twisted and sick relationship with ED for starters. She wanted to know everything about me and my concept of Radical Will. She was so interested and wants me to draft an abstract on it for our next appointment. I was the first time I talked about it in its entirety with a professional who was giving  me the credit for putting it together. I continued to talk about Pam and how I felt if someone could help me it was her. I said the time flew and Pam weighed me in today and we did not ever talk about it. It was part of her protocol not just my primary care.”

“Corey I am so thrilled for you! You have needed a Pam from the beginning.”

“I know I think how I probably would have caught this illness if Pam was in my life. But no dwelling. I am in forward motion.”

“So seemed almost relieved to me Corey. What is that about? ”

“Pam makes me feel safe.” Wow those were huge words coming from a completely scared and fragile person like me. I told Stephanie I was going to work on my abstract outline today and that I would get up early and write the abstract.

We were close to picking up Bella. I was excited. Stephanie was really happy and I looked out my window and one happy tear dropped from my eye. I felt so lucky to have found Pam. I felt HOPE for myself for the  first time since before I could  remember……