I last left off with this series talking about deconstructing myself and especially what brings a person to actually, physical begin the process of starving themselves. So up through mid-July I has on a tremendous euphoria kick. However, as fast it originally arrived in May with no special warning-so was the case with the strict restriction of all types of foods. Gone were my happy good lucky days, it’s as if my body and mind sensed imminent danger ahead, but nonetheless were heading for the crash course.
No longer fun, no more a game; nothing about this illness was quiet the same. I was now nearing the 100 lb. mark, down from my slender weight of 125 when I started all this. Never once did my mind or my work ethics worry about school because I held on to it tight and knew in my heart my grades were all mine. I tried as I could to wrap my mind around my lessening body. I knew plain as day, I was not eating enough and still I did nothing about it, except keep my maniac’s hours in the middle of the night, and exercise with the same gusto as was always the case.
I began to feel my body fail me, in the subtlest of ways that quiet frankly only an anorexic would notice. I no longer had my hallmark strength. Barely able to walk to the bus station with my knapsack, and get to the bus and over to campus to find my way in an increasing daze, to my classrooms.
It was about this time as the end the semester was coming to a close, my body getting smaller by the week, that the stares, glares, and outright distain would infringe upon me and rob me of my secret: my eating disorder was no longer a secret, it was front and center for all to see. My family and friends well they were worried sick. I disrespected them as well as myself. I told that I was getting this “thing” under control and would soon it would be a non-issue. I hadn’t a clue as to what I was saying, this illness was gigantic and engulfing me. I had yet to go see my doctor. That visit so desperate was still a couple of months away.
Not all was lost, because when I didn’t feel weak, I was amped up beyond control…..I could still distance myself from this illness, enough to enjoy my slide in to 00 jeans and my quick descent into children’s clothes, that brought me to a very happy spot deep inside of me, I never shared with anyone else. On top of that my grades my kicking it, a solid 4.0 GPA was again in the cards. So on those days, where I didn’t feel weak, I fond a way to bring that euphoria, albeit momentarily.
The days of just living and getting to school were getting harder and harder for me to do. Faced with finals in the last week of the semester, the maniac’s hours well they brought me no joy or euphoric pleasure. My golden elixir was not working the same as it once did. It would be the hardest semester for finals I would ever experience, I somehow made it through the last final, expending my energy beyond which is healthy. I knew with just one week and a half to the start of a full schedule of classes for the fall semester, I realized I needed to do, some big to change the trajectory of my fate.
I spent the two weeks off in between semesters, gathering things I wouldn’t have time to run and get during the regular school year. I did nothing except disrespect the nature and the vice-grip that this insidious disease held tightly to me. I started the fall semester, weighing less then when I just ended the semester two weeks before. My pain and my struggles were not just mind, the entire student body was watching go up in flames, and well meaning students would aggravate me, “Just ate something and you will feel better.”
BORN THIS WAY-2016