I loathed myself in those minutes that turned to hours then to days, and finally weeks. I couldn’t bare to look at the ugly creature I had become. I was not able to recognize myself from my enemy in the mirror.. My heart hurt, I was scared of really dying, and all this was pent up inside, just boiling venom in my veins. How did this happen? I couldn’t remember getting to this point. My life, myself, everything I cared and loved had been left to be uncared for by me. My twisted mind filled with control, but not an ounce of gratitude or respect for the beautiful body and face I once had; that was me, Corey.
I got to the waiting room and just slumped in a chair. I waiting for whomever to come just drag me to the unit. I knew I was going to get the feeding tube right away, and that would be miserable. However I felt all the pain I felt emotionally and physically, as well as all the pain to come was definitely due to come my way. I sat there for probably twenty minutes and finally a nurse came out to help me. I didn’t need to get weighed in, or registered, they were waiting for me upstairs. We made our winding way through the maze of the building up to the unit. “Welcome to Walden” it read on the door. The nurse pushed open the door, and because I was so weak. I barely made it in by the close of the door, the nurse told me to step it up, and I stepped it up to the nurse’s station. Jane the medical director, was waiting right there.
“How are you, Corey?” Jane smiled and asked. “Oh I have been better.” “Ok we got your room already, so lets go drop your bags off, and then have a chat in my office.” We made our way to my bedroom and I just dropped all my things on the floor. I was too tired for anything more. “Ok,” said Jane “Let’s head down to my office for a couple of minutes before we get the ball rolling.” “Get the ball rolling what do you mean, I am here isn’t that enough?” I annoyingly replied.
“Come on in, Corey, and take a seat wherever you want. Now we are so happy to have you back, with your commitment to follow compliance. We are getting a feeding tube placed in just a minute. However there have been a couple changes. Your last labs here, showed your blood sugar very low, when we had your blood taken very early in the morning. “Is that alright? I interrupted. “Well no, your level was dangerously low, and because you have such a high metabolism, the food and all that you get from the feeding tube, is not adequate. We are going to get you up everyday like we normally do, for blood pressure and weight ins, then you are going to eat your first breakfast.” I said with a bit of panic, “Eat my first breakfast by myself and without anybody else there?” “Yes, your body can’t wait until 8 am to eat the breakfast with everyone else. So you get to pick out now what you want for breakfast. Use this sheet to guide your choices. It will be ready every morning for you in the community room.”
I took a look at the sheet, and looked where I had to pick from certain categories. I picked oatmeal, with maple syrup, and apple juice for my special meal. “I won’t have to eat as much as at regular breakfast, right?” ‘No Corey you still have to eat your regular sheet of food requirements. These are just being added.” “So let me get this straight, you just got me back, and you are strapping me with more food?’ I continued as I was pissed, “That is one of the problems with this facility, the punitive nature of the health care treatment. I don’t need to tell you, you are not efficacious. I have talked to people who have been here like twenty times. This doesn’t work, it puts a Band-Aid on a large, gapping cut. I will let you know, I will be complaint, but I am not a fool, these dynamics they need to change. There is no therapeutic alliance between the medical team and the patient.”
Jane looked at me with a different look, “Corey so when did you become aware of a therapeutic alliance between the medical team and the patient.” “I know about it, and since I am getting treating for anorexia, I have done my homework.” “I caution you to be careful, with what you have read in the books. We are a world class institution, and have a very satisfactory reputation.” “Listen Jane, the facts are the facts, the efficacy rates are less then 10 percent. I promise you I am going to get through this, but you will not see me ever again. I am not a lifer like the rest of them.” “Ok Corey lets get your feeding tube in place.”
We left Jane’s office, and I followed two nurse’s to a procedure room. I was so tired and exhausted, I couldn’t even worry about the feeding tube or anything else. I just needed to go lay down. “Ok Corey, lay yourself back down…….” Before I knew it I was again humiliated, but this time I wasn’t going to fight it. There weren’t any other options. Unless I travelled far away, from my house to the Midwest, and I didn’t want to do that. I made my way to my bedroom. Some of the patients were still the same, it wasn’t very comforting to me in the least. I flopped on my bed, and hurt myself, the mattress was like an inch thick. I got out my journal and thought what to write. The tears welled up, and ended in a constant stream. I didn’t know if this was the beginning of my new life, or my life as I forever would know it now. I cried, my pain was so deep, it took my breath away. I longed to be home with my family and friends. I feared the worst; I had entered a pact, of the never ending treatment stays at Walden.
BORN THIS WAY-2016