I laid on my bed half comatose, wondering about my life….did I even have a future? Was it going to be in and out of places like Walden, where you might get stable? However you will never get well, at a place like Walden. For starters, you don’t even have your own counselor or psychiatrist. This is strange, and it begs to ask what is Walden basing all their protocols on?
Feeding tubes for instance are pretty much a thing of the past, not used at the elite eating disorders recovery centers. Feeding tubes are just to augment weight restoration, and the details are sketchy as to whether they really do work. I have no idea how places like Walden continue to get paid, for patients who have been there 11 to 15 times before. Efficacious is seldom used when speaking about treating eating disorders. It is a fact, the older your onset, the more treatment refractory you will be and the statistics of mortality rise with onset of age.
I laid on my bed, and thought what am I getting here, besides being baby-sat? I am strictly a restrictor so I needn’t be watched for the bathrooms, I just need to ensure I eat three healthy meals, or 6 little ones, which works better for me. I was over come with this new self-loathing, I had never had these issues before. I was gross and disgusting, I covered my body and head in shame. I thought about it, I hadn’t taken a selfie in months, and nor would I be anytime soon. I jumped out of bed, and looked in the mirror, although they were made so we could hardly see ourselves. I was stricken with panic, what happened to my looks, I used to be so young looking? I started crying, and got so upset, I tossed my trash can against the wall. I have never acted out with any physicality, so this was all new, and I scared myself quite good. Of course the staff come on waddling by, honestly you would think that working at an eating disorders hospital the staff would be on the healthier side. Not for anything, I am not passing judgment, but I have such a phobia with being fat and out of shape, and these folks are very triggering…….So they wanted to know, what had happened. I said, “I was moving my trash can and I dropped it hard on the floor. “I apologize, for the noise I made. I will make sure it wont happen again.”
They seemed skeptical but couldn’t do anything. I was finally left alone. I went back into the mirror, my skin was saggy, I had lines I never had before on my face. I cried again, and this time I went and laid down on my bed, facing the wall with my back to the door. I thought how I actually starved myself, and actually ended up euphoric! I wondered incredulously how I could have gotten so mentally twisted up in my head. Why hadn’t anybody told me how sick I really was? I am such a kind and compassionate person, why hadn’t anybody sat me down and set me straight? I am so far gone, and I question my mind, how could I , Corey Britton, ever get to this point? I realized I needed to do something different, or else I would wind up just like all the other patients who come through here again and again and never sadly get better.
I decided to get out of my head, and walked down with my feeding tube pole, to the community room. There I sat with a new group of people. I was quite chatty and asked lots of questions, all the 6 patients had been there many times before. I got to thinking there has to be a way, to break out of the insidious illness. It had a death grip on me, but I knew that Walden didn’t hold the magical key. I saw this girl’s journal, and on the cover it read, “I decided I didn’t want to feel like this anymore. So one day I just stopped, just like that.” I hurriedly wrote those words down in my very own journal. This was something I had to think about. This long term in patient paradigm was not the way to treat anorexics or bulimics.
BORN THIS WAY-2016