Category: #anorexia #recovery #radical will #A fib # my heart

My First Day of Radical Will part 1

Christmas Eve and Christmas day were very good and beautiful days. I made it through Christmas with enough stamina, and Stephanie cried when I gave her the ring I had made for her. Bella was such a blast and we all really enjoyed ourselves. I was keenly aware how different this could have all played out if I was still in Walden.

My head was distracted for a good part of the time. Thoughts of starting the Radical Will protocol the day after Christmas seeped into and out of my head. I was worried about my weight, and wondered if I didn’t have any control over it, and that the scale would just continue to go down while I was in the midst of the longest refeeding ever.

We were at my ex-wife’s house from 7 am until 12:00 pm opening presents, and eating a Christmas quiche with sausage and hash browns. I was able to eat some, I love meat. So I ate all the sausage in my slice of quiche. I don’t like bread so I left the crust of the quiche. My ex-wife Camie made some remark about my Radical Will and it starting the next day. I was nervous about my stomach cramping. Sure as crap, it started hurting before people were finished eating. I looked at Stephanie and she knew. I could tell she was concerned but didn’t know what or how to help. I excused myself and went into the bathroom to throw cold water onto my face.

When I came out, everyone was back in the living  room with the fire burning. My stomach was throwing a fit, I didn’t have heating pads, and I certainly couldn’t ask to go lay down. Now was a moment I had to get through. No ways around it, I needed to rise to the  occasion, distract my mind and my body, which felt fat now from eating, and be happy and normal like everyone else. Gosh did I loathe myself and what I had done to my body. This was so unnecessary and threatened to affect everyone if I couldn’t rise to the occasion. Finally I couldn’t sit still any longer. I asked Stephanie if she wanted to go clean the kitchen with me from brunch? She readily agreed knowing I was trying to get out of the room. Camie didn’t want us fussing about the clean up, but I told her we were cleaning up, she had cooked. Bella went to take a shower, as we were going out to one of our favorite restaurants, the Wentworth by the Sea for 2:00pm. We had started going there a couple of years before, and it was so beautifully decorated for the holiday, and the food was so delicious we loved it and splurged on Christmas.

Lunch at the Wentworth by the Sea was stressful from the get go for me. I was very anxious about my stomach and was developing a really strong phobia to eating out in places. Lunch was something we couldn’t rush through. It was a fixed menu with 8 courses and the food just kept coming out. I was sitting by Bella and since she is a vegetarian I gave some of my food to her. I was crawling out of my nose, inch by inch. I felt fat, I felt anxious, and I was having to fake it to make everyone’s day all that much more special. My stomach started up, and I had found heating pads in Stephanie’s car on the ride over. I took my bag to the bathroom, and put the heating pads inside my pants and underwear. I said a prayer for courage and strength and thanked God for this amazing day I was having with my family. I hurt so much I started to sweat, but I made it through the entire dinner. Camie wasn’t happy with how little I ate, but she didn’t make a big fuss about it. I think we were all relieved that we had made it through together as a family for Christmas Day. We sure weren’t sure that would even happen.

We drove back to Dover with Bella with us. We were just stopping back to get all or gifts and pick up Julia Bleu. We couldn’t forget the pug, she would never let us, no matter what. We got the car loaded, we had so much stuff, and said good night to Bella and Camie. I would pick up Bella tomorrow after my first Radical Will appointment. Both Stephanie and I  agreed we had eaten too much to make our own dinner. Plus it was 6:00 pm, it wouldn’t be ready to after 8 pm. Stephanie had bought me a new Diesel bracelet I just loved. It kept catching my eye. I was feeling so bloated, and so gross and fat. I just wanted to puke but it wasn’t an option, so I decided to unload Stephanie’s car of all our presents. We would just put everything in the guest bedroom and deal with it tomorrow. My appointment with the Radical Will Nutritionist was scheduled for 11:00 am.

After we got everything into the house, Stephanie knowing me, realized I was trying to move as much as possible because I felt so fat and bloated. She quietly handed me a Greek yogurt, and I sat down at the kitchen table to eat it. I so didn’t want to eat anything, and this I knew Stephanie would have a say, because we hadn’t eaten since 4:30 pm. I slowly started to eat my yogurt but I just couldn’t do it. I was okay with Stephanie not being pleased, I was so stuffed into my clothes, I needed to get into my pajamas. I got ready for bed, and got myself right into the bed. Stephanie took awhile, but she came along and got in beside me. We talked about what an awesome day it had been, and talked of Radical Will that would start the next day. Stephanie and I chatted about our own Christmas, and when we would cook the meal we didn’t cook on Christmas. We usually celebrated Christmas on New Year’s Eve. I was just laying there thinking I was so grateful, when my heart when into some sort of off rhythm. It felt like my heart was coming out of my chest. I jumped up and told Stephanie I wasn’t alright. She looked at me, I was leaning over holding my heart. She dialed 911 and the paramedics showed up right away. I was sure I was dying, they hooked me up to an EKG. My heart was in A fib, a potentially fatal arrhythmia. My heart was beating over 330 beats a minute. They got an IV in and immediately gave me medication. They even put the sirens on the ambulance.

Long story short, my anorexia had caused the A fib and they thought it was regulating itself with all the medication they were giving me, but then it starting all over again. They had to give me a ton more medication, and were prepping to shock my heart. I don’t remember much. There were people all over the place. I finally saw Stephanie, and I felt a little less scared. My heart rate came down, but they had run my labs, and my electrolytes were all off, which wasn’t any good for my heart. I was obviously getting admitted. Stephanie came up to me, and said she would stay with me the night.

The next morning in the hospital I had all kinds of heart tests. They finally discharged around 4:30 pm. I had missed my first appointment with my nutritionist for my Radical Will. I felt weak and tired, and now had  a ton of heart medication to take. We got home and I just cried. I cried because I almost died, and I cried because I didn’t want to mess up my first two weeks of Radical Will. I called my parents, and ended up falling asleep on the phone. Radical Will would have to wait another day.