Radical Will part 2

After the my primary care appointment, Stephanie drove me to the hospital to get my labs drawn. I was feeling okay, a little numb and scared. I was scared of my heart giving out on me.

I got the labs drawn and Stephanie asked if I wanted to go do any shopping?  We would be celebrating our Christmas on New Year’s Eve. I had to have something to eat, I grabbed a prescription Ensure out of the pack seat. God love Stephanie she had me buy a case just for her car for moments like this. I told her that I needed to get my prescriptions filled. We dropped them off at the pharmacy and I bought some more heating packs. The prescriptions were soon ready, and we headed out to the car. I took the pills for my stomach, and they had given me a wide syringe for taking the liquid medication that went along with the pills. I took both medications, and quickly scanned the inserted pamphlets looking to see what the directions said. It said to wait to eat for 20 minutes.

We drove over to the plaza with Ulta, Barnes & Noble, Best Buy and Trader Joe’s. By the time we got there I was feeling quite faint. I opened a bottle of the shake and took a big gulp. I had to drink this all before I did anything else. I drank the shake really quickly and instantly gave myself a stomach ache. The pains I was used to getting didn’t come on so strong, I was incredibly happy. We waited for 20 minutes, talking about my daughter Bella. It was really hard not to see her, but I knew it was better for her mind and that is all that mattered.

Finally I said to Stephanie, I think I am ready to head out. I need to go do some shopping alone.

“Do you want to meet at Trader Joe’s like an hour?”

Stephanie replied, “Sure that should give me enough time.”

We went our own ways I was heading to Best Buy. I wanted to get her a Fitbit and a new Bluetooth ear piece. She was always talking me from her car, and she lost her ear piece weeks ago. Best Buy was a zoo. There were so many Fitbits to chose from, and then it was picking out a color. I got what I needed and continued to shop at Barnes and Noble where I got Stephanie a few books on her reading list. We met inside the entryway of Trader Joe’s. I was thinking I was really tired and just wanted to go home. Stephanie realized I was cooked and suggested we just pick up something for lunch. I agreed and we picked out some prepared food. I also got more cans of coconut milk.

We got home it was going on 12:30 pm. I needed to take my medication for my heart and my stomach again. I asked Stephanie to do me a favor. I asked if she could make me my smoothie? She said, “Yes of course.” I went to find my eating history paperwork so I could fill it out for yesterday and get in the habit of filling out when I ate a meal. I found it  upstairs in the bedroom, and I just sat on the bed for a minute. I was so worn out and didn’t really feel good.  I slowly made my way down the stairs. Stephanie had fixed me a plate for lunch and made my smoothie with a straw! I was very happy! We had purchased some seaweed salad, pickled beets, hummus and flat bread for our lunch. I started with my smoothie, it didn’t go down very easily. I am not not sure why. I picked at my food, and filled out my eating history for yesterday with the help of Stephanie.

I wrote down to best recollection what I ate and how much approximately. Stephanie told me she read in Amber’s paperwork, to measure out your food with measuring utensils. I said on fuck I don’t know what to say about lunch. Stephanie asked for the food history sheet . She started to fill it out for me. I wasn’t quite sure about this……she finished and handed it back to me. She had pre-measured everything out and wrote it all down for me. I thanked her and I felt warm all over. I loved her so much as my friend. She made me just so happy and always came through me no matter what. It was so great she had taken this leave from work to get me home from Walden. She is a dentist so it is not really that easy to take extended time off. Now that I think of it, I bet she used FMLA……

I finished with lunch. I didn’t make much of a dent in my food or in my smoothie.  Stephanie asked how I was feeling. I said do you want to go into the study and chat for awhile? She said sure, we picked up the lunch dishes. We just put the food away and rinsed in the dishes and left them in the sink.

“I am not feeling myself at all ever since the doctor told me he was afraid I might die. I feel that way myself like my body is just going to expire.”

“Sweetie, we got you on your medications. You are being careful not to over do it. What else is on your mind?”

“I am scared about just everything. From losing more weight, to not drinking my shake, to not making it with Radical Will.”

“Corey, you need to let go of all this stress and worry. You know how bad it is for your body, and how your body reacts to it. You will just keep losing more weight. You have to wrap your mind around it.”

My phone was ringing, and I didn’t know where it was exactly. Well before we found it, it stopped ringing. A call had gone to voicemail. I look at my voicemail it was my doctor’s office number. “What the heck could they want?’ I said. I called them right back and got the receptionist. She put me on hold for awhile.  I was a bit aggravated, and my stomach felt so bloated. I couldn’t stand it.

“Hello Corey.”

“Hi doctor.”

“Corey we got your lab results back and you have hyponatremia and low magnesium as well as low potassium which is dangerous for your heart. I need you to tell me which ER you want to go to.”

“Excuse me sir? I have to go to the ER?”

“Yes Corey we must hook you up to an IV and get these levels up. As far as your hyponatremia it isn’t as bad as it could be, so I am not going to admit you for that I just want you to restrict your fluid intake. I also want another EKG test run while you are there.”

“Okay um I guess I will go to Dover it is closer to my house.”

“Fine I will fax them the orders. They will call me with the results of the EKG and then you probably can go home.”

“Okay doctor, so I just tell them my doctor faxed in orders.”

“Yes Corey that is all you have to say. Give me an hour to get this all set and then head right over.”

“Okay doctor thank you very much.”

“Good luck Corey and take care of yourself.”

I hung up the phone it had been on speaker so Stephanie heard the entire conversation. My eyes welled up, I went to leave the room. Stephanie called me to come back in. I went back and sat beside of her. She put her arms around me oh how I wish this was not my body. How did I do this to myself? I am nearly dead, I feel it closer every minute. I let Stephanie hold me, but I was deep in my head. Morbid thoughts filled the fissures in my head. I knew I was really close to not making it, and there was nothing the medical world could do to change the course or the path I was on immediately. It would take time if that is what I was given, to let my body recover from this vicegrip of death and demise that bled through the blue of my eyes.

I got up and went to get ready. It was after 3 pm. We would be there for a while the IVs they took awhile. I drank a couple more gulps of my smoothie. I poured it into a water bottle I had to take it with me. Stephanie got herself ready, and off we went to the Emercency Room.

At the ER they were waiting for us. I didn’t have to sign in or go through triage. They took us back to a private room. I took off my jackets and sat on the gurney.  A doctor came in and introduced himself. He was very nice and said they would get me out just as quickly as possible. He said an IV would be placed in a minute, and once that was running, an EKG would be taken right away for my doctor. He asked me about the A fib incident. I told him it was not fun, and I really haven’t felt well. He said he could see I wasn’t feeling well. The lab person arrived with a nurse who had bags of IV solutions. The IV got placed, and the nurse ran two of the bags at the same time. I didn’t think they were supposed to do that. Stephanie sat on the edge of the bed, and looked and smiled at me. I couldn’t help but smile back. She handed me the water bottle with the smoothie. I drank some more, although my stomach was starting to cramp up, and I was feeling nauseous.

The EKG technician arrived and got me all hooked up. There was a problem getting a good print out. It took her like three tries but finally she was happy. The nurse came back in to check on my IVs and one bag was done. She hung the last bag up, and said it should be about an hour and then I could go home providing everything was okay with  the EKG. I was restless and agitated. I wanted to be home this was just another stressful situation that I had I had to deal with.

The doctor came in with the EKG and said there were some abnormalities. My doctor wanted me hooked up to a Hoelter monitor for the next 24 hours. Okay I guess, and the doctor said after the IV was done, the person from cardiac would come and hook me up to the Hoelter monitor. I needed to wear it for twenty four hours straight. It would record my heart, and if I felt my heart was off, there was a button I was to push. Finally the IV was done and Stephanie went to find a nurse.

While Stephanie stepped out I thought how this was all a matter of time. My body couldn’t withstand what I put it through with the starvation. Stephanie came back in with a nurse who was on a portable phone. The nurse took down the IV bags and but left my IV in. She hung up the phone and said cardiac was on their way. Once I had the Hoelter monitor she would pull the IV and I would be all set to go. I was really not in a good way. I felt a deep sense of dread, and was scared out of my mind. I worked on my smoothie some more. It was killing me to drink it, I felt so bloated and nauseous. Cardiac arrived and were way too chipper for me at that moment. I did my best however I think I came across as a grump. It took awhile to get the monitor all set up to attach it to me. Then the cardiac person explained everything I already knew but I knew they had to say it. So I listened for what seemed a very long time of something that was quite simple. Finally I was all set I just needed my IV out. Soon the nurse arrived, and pulled the IV out. Finally I was good to go.

We left I waited inside, while Stephanie went to get the car. I was thinking a lot of things but mostly thinking how great it was to have Stephanie in my life. I got into the car, I was freezing out and pitch black. I drank the last of my smoothie. The thought of death suddenly over came me. My heart started to beat real fast like before but not like A fib. I push the incident button on the Hoelter monitor and prayed that I did not die, I was so regretful. I knew I had sinned against my own body. I prayed in the car, for the scale to turn around and for my mind to accept it. I had one more day and then I would meet my eating disoders therapist.  Please Dear God do not let me die………….