Category: #anorexia # recovery #radical will # post heart attack # I am dying # I did this to myself # another feeding tube # I am so pathetic

Radical Will Part 10 Breakdown

I was lying down in the study. I was so scared and frightened I sort of wanted to be back on the monitors in hospital.

I didn’t feel safe. I knew I wasn’t safe. My body was failing me in every way and I tried to put on a brave face especially for Stephanie. I had a visiting nurse come to check me once in the morning and once in the early evening. She did an EKG every time she was here because they still weren’t normal and the risk of A fib was high. I was so sick on all the medication I was taking for my heart. The scale had gone down to an almost 10 pound loss. I didn’t even bother getting on the scale everyday. It didn’t make me happy and I knew there was something up with metabolism. I knew from reading ED could cause things to mess up your own natural metabolism and slow it down than before you had ED. That wasn’t the case with me I think my starvation was so extreme and fast my body was just going through everything I ingested really super fast.

On my third day home I got a call from my primary care doctor. He had reviewed my EKGs and my weight and was ordering another feeding tube and wanted me to go to the lab at the nearby hospital and get some blood work done. He was very concerned but said I seemed to have hardly any damage to my heart. He told me my biggest concern was to do whatever I could do with the help of the others of my Radical Will team to get my weight up. It was just too low and any lower and I would be admitted to a medical floor at the hospital.  I told the doctor I was eating and doing nothing  activity wise, that my metabolism was out of whack and Pam my ED therapists was looking up endocrinologists who might be able to help me. My primary care was pleased to hear that and said he would like to see me in his office a week from now. I said fine and I waited for the receptionist to pick up so I could schedule a visit next week. I got that taken care of and let Stephanie know through over whelming tears that I was getting another feeding tube. I also needed to get to the hospital for blood work my doctor didn’t want to wait for the visiting nurse to draw it tonight and get the results back tomorrow-he wanted them today.

So I got up and Stephanie had so kindly put clothes out for me. I needed help getting ready, I felt so pathetic and like a baby.  Stephanie was so kind, she didn’t seem to mind about taking me to the hospital to get my blood work done. She had been so wonderful through this whole sickness but since the heart attack she was even more right there for me whenever I needed something she always handled it-I had no idea how I could ever repay her for all her help and loving kindness. I knew there wasn’t another person who would ever treat me as well as her. Stephanie reminded me I had a phone appointment with Pam later today so we should get going so I had some down time between going to the lab and my appointment with Pam. I felt so weak to my very bones; this was more than tired this was my body expiring I just knew it. I felt I could feel like I really was dying. I went to the kitchen and grabbed a prescription shake I needed to have my smoothie also today. I just wanted to put on a few pounds even. I would feel safer about my body and I needed to get rid of the stress and strain my mind was putting me through. I sat down at the kitchen table and tried to open the drink. I couldn’t get the cap twisted off I was just too weak. I laid my head down on the table and just wept. I used to be the epitome of health I was a former division I full-scholarship basketball player and had turned to running after basketball and was very much in shape all lean with muscles. I was also very slender but with the all the lean muscle I weighed 130 pounds and people thought I was too skinny then. Stephanie found me in the kitchen all heaped in a mess of tears and embarrassingly a running nose. I thought how my friends told me she liked me more than a friend. I was sure that seeing me so pathetic Stephanie was no longer attracted to me. I didn’t know how I felt about it I loved her so much as my friend but I think I wanted her to like me and that was clearly not going to be the case with my pathetic mess of my withering body.

Stephanie opened the shake bottle for me, and got me Kleenex and told me she loved me, and she was so sorry I was sad. I told her it was all my fault. There was nobody else to blame, I had done this all; all this damage to myself through starvation. I was really starting to despise myself and I found it very hard to get my mind to a place that wasn’t destructive upon my mind and body. I drank half of the shake, and told Stephanie I was ready to go.

We got to the hospital and went straight to registration. The little bit of being up and out was wearing me out really fast. I was so embarrassed I really wanted a wheelchair. How sad is that I had a perfect body and now was reduced to wanting a wheelchair? I fought with myself and told myself to suck up you pathetic piece of shit. I wasn’t even truly worthy of a wheelchair. They were for people who didn’t make themselves sick to the point on being on the verge of dying. Registration called me, they had me down for the lab and also the placement of the feeding tube. I was so mad I thought the visiting nurse would do it at home. I was going to be out in public with it and that made me just go quiet, I had no more words.

First I went to gastric services and waited for half an hour before they called me. Stephanie asked me if I wanted her to come. I said no but I really wanted her to be with me. It was just so humiliating and embarrassing. They took me to a procedure room and I laid back and they sprayed my throat with hurricane spray. The nurse that did it was nervous, she aimed the tubing the wrong way and it felt like it was coming out through my eye. I asked her to stop. I said, “Is there someone experienced to do this?” They weren’t very happy but she clearly was not the person for me. Another nurse, a guy, came in said he had done this many times it should be no problem. It went really smoothly. I thanked him as they got me a pump on a pole with wheels and hooked up a bag to start pumping. They asked me if  I had someone in the waiting room because they wanted to send me home with more bags of nutrients. They got me back out to the waiting room and Stephanie could tell I was not okay. They gave the bags and we quickly left. I told what happened and she hugged me tight. I teared up again and said let’s just go to the lab so we can go back home.

I was in and out of the lab. Thankfully that went smoothly and Stephanie went to get the car. She came back in and unplugged my feeding tube and capped it so we could get the pump into the backseat. We finally got home and I was just crying my back was so against the wall and there was no way for me to fix this quickly or without pain and probably more health problems. We got me hooked up to the pump, and I asked Stephanie for another favor…..I knew I was wearing her out. I asked her to make me my smoothie I drank everyday. I was going to laydown on the guest bed. I wanted to cry I felt bad for myself, but no tears would come. I closed my eyes and I prayed for help I prayed forgiveness and one more chance. I closed my eyes I was so tired………

-Corey

BORN THIS WAY-2016

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