Category: #anorexia #recovery #scared of failing everybody, #scared of my own body

Leaving Walden It Hurts part 7

Both Stephanie and I had fallen asleep, and I woke up of course before her. I played on my phone for a bit, but I was riddled with anxiety. I suffered from anxiety but this was different. I felt chemically off, like too much caffeine, or a drug interaction of sorts.  Things like that make me nervous as being so fragile and sick anything can and does go awry.

I went down to the first level, and I opened up a Sprite. I knew as soon as I had opened it I should have opted for the power-aide with electrolytes or Pedialyte. Anyway I drank like half of a 20 oz bottle in a gulp. I wondered why I was so dehydrated? I thought about the rest of the day. I needed to get my cards, and at some point get Stephanie’s gift, but I honestly could lay pretty low if that is what I wanted to do. My anxiety got me out of my chair, and into the bathroom to make sure I looked alright. I loathed anxiety, actually don’t know of a single person who likes it at all. We all experience it in different ways, and I felt more physical sensations, as opposed to mental or cognitive ones. I had Xanax and decided I should take one. I don’t like to do it, but anxiety is another way which causes me to lose weight.

I went to look at my face in the mirror…I hated looking in the mirror as I didn’t recognize myself and I didn’t like what I saw. I thought about how could I do things differently and what could I do to get me closer to Radical Will today. Eat. I had to eat, that much was a given.  I went and got a yogurt and I slowly peeled back the lid and pushed my spoon all the way to the bottom. I only ate black cherry, and I loved the fruit on the bottom. I needed to go get Stephanie or get back into bed with her. I needed to be distracted, and I didn’t want to use her, I knew she would want me to come up and see her, or at least lay close to her while she woke up. I finished the yogurt, thought about a second, and thought against it. I could barely handle the stomach aches I was getting and eating two yogurts was setting myself up for a major attack. I crawled up the two flights of stairs, and I found Stephanie awake, just laying there peacefully. “When did you wake up?” I said to her. “Oh like two minutes ago exactly.” “Have you been up for a long time? How are you feeling, did you get some rest? Are you hungry, you should probably try to eat?” “Ha! I just ate a yogurt and I am going to eat another in a bit. I am hoping to avoid a stomach ache if possible.”

Stephanie pulled back the covers and started heading towards the bathroom area. I took the moment to get back into bed. “Can we get up and go to the card store?’ I said to her. “Sure, where else do we have to go?” “I was thinking after yesterday, laying low might be a good idea, what do you think?” I said, “I thought the exact same thing downstairs while I was eating my yogurt. Good minds think alike.”  All of a sudden I got some major cramps, and I pulled my knees up to my chest. Stephanie came out and saw me in a ball. She said, “You don’t feel well, do you?” “I have terrible cramps right now, I think they will pass, just give me a couple of minutes.” I closed my eyes and tried to will away the pain but it would not stop. I was starting to think I might need to tell my doctor, as this didn’t feel normal like after I usually ate. “Are you feeling any better? Is there anything I can get you? How about some heating pads?” “Oh that would be perfect.” Stephanie headed out off the floor towards the stairs. She really was so good to me. I started thinking about trying to talk to Stephanie. My energy was wiped, so I wanted to say something but not set alarm bells off or get her worried that she wanted or needed to talk more.

I heard her coming back up the stairs. I said, “I hear heating pads.” “Yes you do, I hope three will help, we need to get more when we head out.” she said so sweetly. “Oh this feels much better, thank you so very much. I wanted to know if I could share a couple of thoughts? I don’t want to have a huge conversation as it will just stress me out.” “Corey, whatever you are comfortable with,” she said. “Well first of all I am really scared. I am scared about just about everything. I don’t and I cant fail at Radical Will, as you know, that’s how I got out of Walden. I am freaking out about my weight loss, and the next days coming into the Christmas. I want to be open and honest with you I really do. I just need to go slow with my feelings so they don’t get away from me. I want you to know, you know you can ask me anything, and on top of that I will never ever fib or lie to you. That’s pretty much what I wanted to share with you at this moment.” ‘Corey, I love you, and I too am scared, but I believe in you, and I never ever doubt your trust with me. I honestly thank you for saying anything, I know how hard it is for you to open up.” “I just really care about you Stephanie, and your my best friend. I don’t  want to burn you out, I am so afraid of that.” “No worries Corey, you allow me into your world, and that is a true gift to me.” We hugged each other really tight and long, and finally we awkwardly fell out of the embrace.

I got up out of the bed and headed for the stairs. “Do you want to come down while I try to eat another yogurt?” “Sure, let me get dressed first, and I will be right down. When are you thinking  you want to leave?” “Probably in the next half hour. Is that okay with you?” I said. “Perfect, I will be down in just one minute.” I headed for the stairs and I got all that anxiety back from before I ate. I went and I grabbed a second yogurt, I sat at the table and once again peeled back the lid. This time the yogurt didn’t go down so well right from the start I felt sort of sick. Stephanie appeared all dressed and ready. “How is that yogurt?” “Not so great, I am struggling a bit with it for some reason.” Stephanie stayed quiet and made herself a sandwich. I was happy as I didn’t think she ate enough myself.

We finished eating, and I headed back upstairs. “I will be down and ready in ten minutes. Just wanted to give you the heads up.” I got to the top floor and was just tired. I forced myself to get ready and do my face and  teeth. Went back down the stairs and Stephanie had already started the car. I said, “Yeah lets just go to the card store and post office.” “OK,” Stephanie answered. We headed out and drove to the card store. It took me awhile to pick out cards, and the entire time my stomach and entire body sort of hurt. I had no idea what was up. Not one of my best days. We got out of the card store and headed to the post office. I said to Stephanie, “Do you mind if I write these out at the house, and then you can bring them down and mail them?” “I think that is an excellent idea,” she replied and tousled my hair like she always did. I finished my cards and she headed out. I went upstairs, really stuck in my head. My anxiety was not okay, I was exhausted, the scale was down, and I needed to continue to eat although my stomach hurt. I was worried about everything I could possibly think of….I just needed to sleep these bad feelings

off, I got into my pajamas and pulled back all the covers. Got into bed, and just burst into tears. I have no idea why I was crying, I was just so tired and sad and most of all scared. I got my chain with my cross around my neck, and I began to pray for help and health. I asked and pleaded for forgiveness for how I treated my body. I was trying to stay awake for Stephanie to come home, but I felt really tired, and I closed my eyes and rested, while my body let me know how angry it was with me……….

-Corey

BORN THIS WAY-2016

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