Category: #anorexia #recovery #scared of failing everybody

Leaving Walden ‘I AM GOING TO FAIL’ part 4

I was laying on bed crying.  I was crying for so many reasons I couldn’t concentrate on one single sad thing. Everything just kept hitting me at once. Thoughts of the parentalizing I did to Bella, making her worry about her mommy starving herself? What kind of person was I to hurt my child so deliberately? Then I moved on to thinking about Stephanie, and how amazing she has been in my life. Not just for a little bit, but constantly since we met now almost two and half years ago. She just gives and gives, and all I do is take, I think of the day I can treat Stephanie like the queen she deserves to be treated as, it is such a happy day for me. She is not used to the that type of attention, but once I am better she is in for it.  I really hoped she didn’t come in here and see me crying, I know she knows this adjustment is quite bad. I think of Christmas, just days away, and all of the shopping I need to muster the strength up to do in the next few days.  I put off my worst thoughts until now, and I just bawl, I have to find a way to make Radical Will happen, and get successful and comfortable all at once, with gaining this weight I am not ready to face. Two weeks is mot enough time, but I don’t have a day or minute longer. I know every body’s eyes on me, and could I finally own my words to my actions when it came to this eating disorder.

I cried so much, my nose was stuffy, I reached for a Kleenex, and out popped my belly! Oh my gosh, I am getting a belly no way? How could this happen I just weighed myself.  I wiped away my tears, and for like the millionth time asked Stephanie to come into the bedroom. “Stephanie, I hate to ask you, but do I look like I have gained some weight?” “No sweetie, in fact you look more frail than ever, how about an applesauce?” I think about the clock ticking towards two weeks, and say, “Yes, I will take the applesauce.”  I don’t mind eating it because it is only sixty calories, and I douse it in the really expensive cinnamon. I put it on and it acts as a metabolizer so I eat it all the time. Stephanie brought it in, and sat on the bed. I put my applesauce down, and laid my head in her lap, where I felt so safe and so protected from life’s brutal truths of mine. I mentioned to Stephanie, later on that evening I wanted to share with her some of the things in my head. She said she was about half way through, so she was going to let me rest. I ate the applesauce, and put the container on the night stand. The worry I felt was too much for me to hold inside. I had never cried so much as I was crying now, probably because things have never got this bad before. I got out my journal and I stared at the blank page, I knew not what to say…..the tears were starting to get the journal pages wet, I grabbed another Kleenex, and just loathed my pathetic monster of a shell of a body, I was the invert of the pearl in the oyster. I couldn’t think of my face, and all that the weight loss had done to it. Then it fucking hit me, I could be dead, I have hurt so many people that love and care for me, and I am crying over my broken body, and my wretched face, that wouldn’t let me look into a mirror anymore. I thought, how will I ever come back from all of this? I was dumping my world of problems in today’s lap and it was too much too take.

I started to feel faint, like I couldn’t catch a breath. I knew it was nerves and probably a panic attack, for which there is no medication. Obviously as serious as they are to the patients, they don’t get much attention from the pharma industry….they can build a pill for a limp dick, but not a panic attack? What the fuck, I honestly don’t care for middle aged men, there is nothing attractive about them to me. All hairy, and wanting to be waited on, Then knowing they swallow a blue pill at my expense. I should really write a paper on Viagra and there being no panic attack medication.  I see the panic attack medication, you either inhale it or spray it in your mouth. It quells the panic attacks right on the spot. I knew I had to make a plan- at least a rough plan, At least for the stuff I needed to do in the next few days. I was so lucky to have Stephanie home with me, or it would be my mother, and I would probably go back to Walden.

I wrote down today’s date, and just put my pen down.. I couldn’t get the tears, the pain, and all the shame I felt to go back into its nicely packaged box that I kept it in. What was wrong with me? WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME? It was an answer so many people wanted to know, but what if the answer had something to do with them? Pam, my eating disorders therapist, told me I am an extremely high achiever coupled with perfectionism; she would not let me own. It didn’t strike me as much as a problem, until I read these stories and articles on anorexia and one of the components can be overbearing parenting. Now this usually happens with teenagers, but I was just an outlier with a very demanding mother. She never pushed for me to to get to the top, but every time I did, she added it to my stat sheet. She would give me a little praise, or maybe sometimes a little more, but she bragged embarrassingly to all her friends. I was her kid who did it all, lest you but the liking women in the closet. Gosh I wish those were the days….when my mother thought I liked girls and I didn’t like anybody, and she demanded I go to therapy. So I went to therapy and sat for an hour in silence, where the psychologist told her I was just fine, that my mom had the issues, and maybe she should come back! That made me laugh, it was a truly a great moment, and right now truly great moments are hard to come by. I wrote on my list to move up to my bedroom, which I realized although I didn’t have the strength, I could work on that now. so That way after Stephanie was done she  could  take me to see Santa, I was definitely sitting on his lap, and telling him all the things I needed for this Christmas.

I started to pack up a few suitcases I had opened, but most of the stuff, just needed to be carried up to the third level, where the master floor was.  It was so ridiculous, the third floor was like its own living space. I had put in a counter size refrigerator, and built a bar, just for shits and giggles. Everyone always wanted to stay on that floor, but other than Stephanie and Bella nobody every has slept in my bed. No not even a hook up, no never that! When that was happening all the time (boy were those the days) I would pack a bag almost every night.

I started to try to carry the suitcase down the hall, it was just so freaking heavy, I was making a lot of noise and Stephanie came out of the kitchen. “Corey what are you doing?” “I am trying to get stuff off my list for today. I need to get all the stuff up to the floor.” Stephanie was calm, but I detected a hint of annoyance, “Corey you cant do that, the bags are too heavy and they need to go up two sets of stairs. Please sweetie, I am almost done, and then we can get to this.” “Stephanie, I want to go to the mall when you are finished, I need to sit on Santa’s lap.” Stephanie burst out laughing, but I was dead serious, I needed all the help Santa could give me, and I wasn’t going to waste another single day. Stephanie brought her crazy laugh to a stifle, and said, I am just about done. Why did we let your parents buy all that food? We never could eat it all.  Then your mother will look sweetly at me, and ask what are you having for dinner tonight?” Now I laughed real hard, because it was true, and because my mother being French would be all into Stephanie’s business what did she do with that, what did she serve with this? Stephanie was in for pure hell, she could have called them like I asked her and told them we would take care of it. My gosh we are 38 and 35 year old adults, who don’t need to be taken grocery shopping especially to four stores!

“Thank you Stephanie, no I mean a BIG thank you, for all you do help me, and put up with my family. I love you and I hope I can be the friend I once was to you.” “Corey, you never left, I am so grateful you didn’t push me away, like you have with everyone else.  I was thinking, maybe we should invite the gang over with all this food, before the holiday, and let you say hi to everybody.” “I will only do it, as I do miss my friends, if you give them the Corey speech. No asking me how I am feeling, no fakes’ you look great’, no mention about Walden, everyone knows where I have been, Plus, I have no idea what you tell them, so for all I know they know everything. Just kidding, you wouldn’t be here if I didn’t trust you. I really am so grateful to you.”

It was getting late, so we put on our gear, and I started Stephanie’s car from the window. I bought her the car starter because I loathed

cold cars, and with anorexia, 50 degrees is like 0 outside. We jumped in the car, I was really run down, but thoughts of Santa brought me a new burst of energy.