Category: #anorexia #recovery #self-loathing # can I do this # I hate myself #I am a monster # This is all my doing

Recovery To Christmas 2015 part 10

After my doctor’s appointment, I was definitely filled with lots of emotional baggage.  Most of it I just kept to myself, but parts of it I shared with Stephanie. I wasn’t hiding anything from

her at all. My feelings were much too deep for me to reach them and talk about them. I had a lot to do, the hospital was first, then I had to go pick up Stephanie’s Christmas day present.

We got right over to the hospital. I went through registration and then sat in the lab waiting room. It was very crowded which aggravated me. I knew we would be here for a little while. Finally I got called, and I followed the technician. I told although my veins looked very good, they were full of scars and could she please use a butterfly needle with me. She was pretty good and got me on the first stick. Nine vials later with a Band-Aid I walked back out to meet Stephanie.

We headed outside into the cold, she playfully put her arm in mine. I secretly loved it when she did that, but I would never tell her. “Where are we going next? Remember we need to be careful how much we do each day. Christmas is still three days away, so everything doesn’t need to get done at once. How about you pick two places you want to go, then we head home and call it a day?”

“That is fine by me, I am scared to death of losing anymore weight. I need to go to downtown Portsmouth, I need a minute to pick up your Christmas day present. I will worry about the rest of our Christmas later. I am really going to try to be good and keep my weight up.”

“Okay with me,” Stephanie replied. We drove towards Portsmouth and she asked me what was on my mind?

“I am just trying to take in the appointment and the stiff road I have in front of me. I feel a bit off, maybe a juice or coconut water would help me out a bit.” We drove right to a Cumberland Farm’s store. I loved these new stores and Stephanie knew it. We went inside,  first I got a slushy with three different flavors, and picked out a few drinks. For some reason I need a lot of liquid. My family thinks I do it on purpose, but it isn’t true. I am always thirsty. Not sure what it is. I paid for our stuff and we headed to Portsmouth.  We went right to the parking garage. It was fuller than full but we did find a spot on the very top. We made a plan to meet in a half hour out front of Starbuck’s. I went the wrong way to throw her off, I was really headed to the jewelry store I had picked out a sapphire and diamond ring, no not a lab gem, this cost me a lot. I had a special setting designed for her, on each side of the gem was a diamond. I don’t know if she knew this, but in France it is the traditional engagement ring.

I got into the store, and the salesperson recognized me. She was more than nice. She said the ring was all ready and it was brilliant. She brought out a  package with a velvet bag, and then a box and within it another ring box. I thought wow I  hope I got the price right, this could be a big surprise to me. She unpackaged the ring, and my gosh it was out of this world! I told her I was very happy. She told me I owed the last 2,000 dollars. I took out my black Amex and charged it right away. I was so happy, and excited for Stephanie on Christmas morning. I was afraid of losing the ring, so I zipped it inside my coat where it would be safe. I thought I had enough time to run to this other store, called Preludes. It is Camie’s, my ex-wife’s, favorite store and I wanted to get her favorite perfume and a gift certificate for her as well. I looked at my phone and I only had ten minutes. My stomach was starting hurt, I was getting too cold, and started to feel tired. I decided to go to the store and get it out of the way.  I hurried in and picked up the perfume, and got in line to wait my turn. I got to the cashier and asked for a gift certificate, and paid for everything and bolted from the store. My belly was hurting really bad, and I was so tired I couldn’t walk fast to meet Stephanie. I ended up being 10 minutes late. She was standing inside the door at Starbuck’s. She greeted me with a smile, had bags of her own, and we walked back to the parking garage.

We started heading home, and I was feeling worse. I asked Stephanie, “Do we have any heating pads in the car?” “No,” she said, “I am sorry.” I told it wasn’t her fault at all and that one thing I wanted to do, was buy a case of those instant heating pads. I was going through them like crazy. All of a sudden my doctor’s conversation hit me like a ton of bricks. I was thinking of what he said about my daughter Bella, and how I had to shield some of this from her. I got this sick, vacant, morbid feeling about not seeing her as much as usual. Although I knew it was best for her. I worried she would think I didn’t want to see her. I needed to let her know this was so I could get all better and get life back to where it was. I couldn’t help but cry, this was my baby. I was hurting her, and I never wanted that but that is what happened. I thought of the doctor telling me “Mommy got sick and now she is all better.” I worried so much about the better part.  Stephanie asked me about eating as we got closer to Dover. “Do you want to go out and grab lunch? Or do you want to go home and eat?” I told her, I wanted to go home, I was going to make a greens smoothie in my bullet, and try to eat a couple of yogurts. I knew from my nutritionist the smoothie had almost 500 calories and was the best thing I could eat.

We got home, and I was so beat. Stephanie told me I looked drained. We went inside and I put my packages in my study. I would deal with them later. I needed to eat, but my stomach was on fire. I went to get some heating pads. I laid down on the couch in the study, and I had no idea what Stephanie was doing. In a few minutes she walked in with a smoothie, I was so happy I could have cried. She was fixing up some Indian food leftovers, and told me to stay put, she would be back with my yogurts too. I noticed she was pushing the food on me today. It didn’t bother me, I just took notice. I drank some of my smoothie, and it coated my belly for a moment. I had forgotten to take the emergency pill for my stomach, I just needed to put the bottle in the kitchen. I was beyond tired, and sad down deep inside the crevasses of my being. I was looking forward to the holidays, but I was nervous I would have the stamina to do it all. Plus I had to deal with my eating, and my parents for extended times.

Stephanie joined me in the study with her food, and my two yogurts. I hadn’t drank much of my smoothie, and it was most important to drink that all up first. I just couldn’t get my stomach to stop, I thought it must have been the slushy I sipped. I drank some more, and wanted to go to bed. It was only 1:30 pm, not time for bed, but I felt like resting. Stephanie asked me how I was feeling? I said emotionally or physically? She said, “Tell all that you feel Corey Britton.” I smiled at her and said, “I will be right back.” I went into the bathroom and took off my clothes. I put on some clean fleece pajamas and came back out to the study where Stephanie was gone. I laid back down, I could barely stand it, I couldn’t touch the yogurts right now at all. I did try to drink a few sips of my smoothie, but I didn’t end up finishing it. Stephanie came back, and she was in her leggings and a sweater, I think she could tell that I was really struggling. I asked her, “Do you mind if we go upstairs and lay down? You don’t have to if you have things you want to do, I just need to get back in the bed, and do my best to settle my stomach.” “You didn’t eat your yogurts. Does you stomach hurt that bad? I am so sorry!” “Stephanie,” I said, “It isn’t your fault at all,”

Stephanie picked up the study and I basically crawled up the stairs. I got to the top, and the tears started running. This was so hard, I didn’t know if I could do it even for Bella. I was so tired, and hurt so much. On top of that I didn’t eat what I wanted, and now the smoothie was wrecking more havoc on my belly. I got up and found some more heating pads. I took a Diet Sprite out of the mini-refrigerator and got back into bed. I tried to say my gratitude for the day, but my stomach pain was distracting me. My phone rang, it was my parents. I didn’t want to talk to them but that wasn’t kind. “Hey Mom, I said. “How did your appointment go?” “Honestly it was a lot and I don’t feel well at all right now. I didn’t want to be rude and ignore your call. You can call my doctor he can give you the whole scope, I signed the release for you to speak with him directly.” “Well tell me how is your weight?” “Mom, it is down just a bit but I cant stay on the phone right now. I will call you back later if you want.” “Yes, please call me back, and how is Bella?” “Mom I don’t know, I really need to go.”

I got off the phone and realized this was my worst ever stomach attack. I think because I already had it and then I drank the smoothie, I don’t think it helped matters much at all. I heard Stephanie coming up the stairs.

She had a book she was reading in her hands. This meant she was being very kind to lay down with me, and she would read her book since she wasn’t tired, I got up and told her this was the worst attack yet, and I needed more heating pads. I threw out the other ones, and grab three new ones and headed into the bathroom. I wanted to see how I looked. I looked tired, but I think all my product was working, I didn’t see the lines as profoundly as before. I used the restroom, and washed my hands and face as well as brushed my teeth. I think I was hoping one of things would help my stomach out. I went back and crawled right into the bed. I was feeling down and sick and had lots of  stuff on my mind. I remembered the day after Christmas I was meeting with my nutritionist. That would make two appointments with my team. I had to spend some time talking to Stephanie about Radical Will and me and my anorexia. I had to wrap my mind around the real idea; not just the concept. I snuggled up to Stephanie and closed my eyes. I wanted my stomach to stop, now! I was tired, and remembered I had to eat the yogurts before dinner time. “Stephanie played with my hair. I loved it when she did that to me. I tried to relax but between thoughts and pain I couldn’t really distract myself.

I thought about this journey of starvation I had been on for way too long.My stomach was letting me know it wasn’t happy, and my mind was not happy either. I needed this all to change quite quickly, but it wouldn’t happen overnight. I tried to relax, and started to get sleepy. I was overcome with sadness I did not understand. I put the blankets over my head, and started to cry. I am not sure even why. I was crying a lot my life was a living hell I had constructed and facilitated. I had nobody to blame but my own self. I really hated myself I realized. I despised myself for doing all of this. It was totally unnecessary. I loathed the frail, pathetic person I had become. I thought hard on how I could turn things around, but there were no quick fixes to say the least. I drifted off to sleep feeling like a monster from my insides out.