I had another Radical Will appointment scheduled for the next day. It gave me a full day to rest in between seeing my primary care doctor. I was going to meet with my eating disorders therapist. Her name was Pam. She was probably the most important person on my team.
It was hard to find her, I got the referral from Amber the nutritionist. I had called and asked everywhere and nobody knew of a specialist who dealt with just eating disorders. In hindsight I believe she was the cog that has gotten me to where I am.
So Stephanie and I were deciding on dinner the night before my therapy appointment with Pam. I had now had three smoothies. I wasn’t quite done with my one from today. I would of course finish it. I had not lost anymore weight in a day. I prayed the scales stabilized for tomorrow or showed a tiny gain of even the smallest sort.
Stephanie was all set to make us grilled salmon with sweet potatoes and asparagus Au gratin. It was my favorite dish. I was already to help her, but as usual she told I needn’t help. She had it all under control. I could stay and keep her company or go play on the computer she didn’t mind. Of course I stayed with her in the kitchen….I know surprising probably, but that is how much I cared for Stephanie. I was feeling okay, my stomach was not great and my shake still had to be finished. My thoughts of dying and being scared had continued and gotten worse a couple of times. We turned in the Hoelter monitor I wore earlier in the day. They scheduled me with a cardiologist to see in a week, to go over the results. I was still missing Bella terribly and I knew it would be a while until I could see her regularly and start keeping her again half time. It was the hardest single thing I had to do and it hurt me so bad, but I had created this disaster. I was the master of my imperfect storm.
I was zoning out I just finished my last sip of my smoothie, and didn’t here Stephanie ask me to pull the asparagus from the broiler. She asked me again and then asked if I was alright. I said yes, and I got up and grabbed the thongs to flip over the baby asparagus. I wasn’t hungry at all in fact I didn’t know how I would eat any of this once it was in front of me.
Stephanie and I talked about the day and tomorrow. I was scheduled to see Pam at 10:00 am. I liked that time of the day for an appointment. It wasn’t too early and it wasn’t too late. I think it is the perfect time and I hope I could lock into with her tomorrow. Stephanie noticed my smoothie was complete. She got my food history page on the dry erase board and gave it to me to fill out. I loved writing it down and writing 100%. It is really stupid the inane things I derive my pleasure from these days. Dinner was just about done, I took my medication for my stomach, and went to the bathroom. I decided to weigh myself I couldn’t help it. I took off all of my clothes and jumped on the scale. I was still down over three pounds. It meant tomorrow the scale would be lower again. Fuck it, I thought I was trying so hard and things were just going against me. I decided to do my best to eat my meal tonight knowing Pam would weigh tomorrow morning and my primary care doctor would know. I can out of the bathroom, and Stephanie asked matter of factly, “How was the scale?” I said, “It is still down over three pounds which means tomorrow it will be even lower.” She came over and squeezed me tight. “Ready for dinner/” she asked. “Sure I think I am, I hope you bring me an appetite with my food.” She placed two beautiful plates of food on the table. She was really amazing honestly. I had no idea how I was even going to eat a bite of my delicious dinner.
We said a simple Grace and I picked at my salmon. She had grilled it. I loved the crispy parts the best. I was starting to get way into my head with the thought of the scale being down in the morning and having no idea what Pam’s take on everything would be. She would probably be the hardest as she understood the eating disorders mind. Stephanie told me I wasn’t eating. I said I want to but finishing the shake so late really did a number on my ability to eat much more. I ate some of the asparagus. I could eat the fish and the potato later but the asparagus would not be good cold.
Stephanie was in the clean plate club. I say I put the rest of my dinner away for awhile. Stephanie did not look happy. I couldn’t do anything about it and my stomach cramps were here right on cue. They were not as bad as they were before but still completely uncomfortable. I wanted to help Stephanie clean up but my stomach and now my head was all twisted. For some reason I feared tomorrow morning with Pam. Therapists all scare me anyway it was pare for the course. However I was really scared she would have no tolerance for my weight loss of recent. I got up to get some heating pads, and Stephanie said she had the kitchen. I told I would stay and talk. She said no go lay down, and I told her I would rather stay with her. Stephanie kept my mind from really derailing. I had to stay enough in the present with her there. My mind could not wander to deeper darker places. That would come to me when we went to sleep later on. Stephanie finished the kitchen I asked her if she wanted to watch some Sons Anarchy in the study. She said yes and she was going to get her computer to check in at work. I figured this meant I could get on my laptop too. One of my favorite things to do, was to watch the Sons and be on the computer. I got the DVD and had to sit my stomach felt like it was on fire and I felt really bloated. I jumped up and went into the bathroom. I got out of my clothes and put on sweats and a fleece top. I felt a little bit better when I did that, it seemed to relieve some pressure on my stomach. Stephanie returned and I put on the TV before jumping on my computer. We watched two episodes and I was on my computer and Stephanie was on hers. I asked her how everything was with work. She said fine no worries, I was so relieved. This was so nice of Stephanie to take a month and half off to help me. I had no idea how I could ever repay her back. She had done so much for me in our friendship. Now with the anorexia she had gone well and above what any other friend would or could do for me. The episode ended and Stephanie said I looked exhausted. I wasn’t really exhausted, I just felt really sick inside like there was something really wrong with me.
I got ready for bed, and my stomach was finally turning the corner. I waited for Stephanie to finish getting ready for bed. We then pulled down all the covers on the bed, Now I felt sleepy and with my heart medication I wasn’t getting up early every single day. We shut off the lights and talked for a bit. Stephanie asked me about my therapy appointment tomorrow. I told how I felt really nervous about Pam. She snuggled up close to me, and I laid closer to her. I loved this time when we were both awake and snuggling. I could never admit to her however she would probably run hard and fast away. I started to say my prayers inside of myself. But my mind kept ruining it with doom and fear I was really dying and should let someone really now how I felt this to be true. I was now wide awake, no more sleepy Corey. I worried about my heart and my bones. Stephanie was fast asleep with her head on my shoulder. I loved her so much and never could tell her. I put my hand on my heart it felt like it was beating weird, I just had to go to sleep if only it was so easy. I couldn’t shake the feeling of dying and next thing I awoke to Stephanie asking me to get up.
I was nervous but went right into the bathroom. I jumped onto the scale shit it was down over four pounds. This was not acceptable to anyone not even me. The rest of the morning was a blur. I ate some fish and sweet potato for breakfast. Stephanie reminded me to bring my recipe and food history with me in case Pan wanted to review it. We finally headed out to my appointment. I was filled with anxiety and pure fear. I had no idea what to expect. We found our way to the building where Pam’s office was located and Stephanie let me out in front. We were running behind, I only had five minutes to spare.
I found my way to Pam’s office suite. I walked into a beautiful room without anybody at the front desk. I sat down and looked for a restroom. I didn’t see one I would have to wait. Soon a very slender woman with white hair came out all smiles. She introduced herself as Pam. I thought immediately she had an eating disorder. She was very kind, and grabbed a stack of papers and asked me to follow her down the hallway. I got in her office and took my jacket and hat off. She had a huge filled folder on me already. She said per my request of my of my primary care, as well as her protocol I needed to get weighed first. She sent me to a bathroom with a johnnie. I came back out and there was a very fancy platform scale right in the hallway. I got on it, and it read 4 pounds down still even though I ate breakfast and drank a bottle of diet sprite. She instructed me to get dressed and meet back in her office.
I made my way back, and she said since this was my first appointment it was scheduled for a hour and a half. What happened next between the two of us changed me forever to this very moment.
BORN THIS WAY-2016