Category: #anorexia#bolus protocol # I will starve myself to death

Walden First Stay part 3

I left the meeting with my three day forms all eager to go fill them out and get them submitted as quickly as I could.  I was met by this 6 foot blue business suit all professional and formal.  “Are you Corey?” “Yes, that’s me.” “Do you have a few minutes to talk? I am Bill the patient advocate.” “Sure I can talk, I hope you have some time because I have a lot of things to say.”  “We can talk as long as long as

 you don’t miss breakfast, if we haven’t enough time, we can continue it afterwards.” “Thanks, that would be great.” I entered his office and begin my complaints……by the end of my litany Bill was well over cooked, and I hadn’t even gone for the jugular.  I saved the part of closing them down for knowing and seeing all the other patients medications at the window that were left up on the pixis machine.  I figured I would use that as my last resort, as I had already many cards to play.  Just as we were finishing up, breakfast was called.  Bill told me he would touch back with me later.  I took my feeding tube machine and slid right down the hallway, when as staff member yelled: “Corey what are you doing sliding across the hallway, without any shoes on your feet?” “I have been in meeting with the patient advocate. I am sorry.” I couldn’t care less that was so much fun.  I would do it again later, it was worth getting yelled at, what did I care, I was starving myself to get out of there.

I found my seat, and finally some food I could eat, BUT, no I was trying to lose as much weight as possible so they had to send me home.  So I looked at my yogurt and my apple with hunger, but being the champion restrictor I just passed on all of it completely.  “Corey.” I swore if this hack said my name like that in that tone more time, I was going to lose it right on her, no I wasn’t joking in the least bit. “Corey Britton, you need to start to eat.  You have only twenty minutes before you need to reach 100%.” “I am sorry to tell you, you will have to check with the medical staff.  We had a long meeting but didn’t get to the bolus protocol so I wont be doing it this morning, and I am finished.” “Corey you think this is all a big joke, you are impacting the entire unit.” “I apologize everyone for impacting you profusely, I am sorry it happened.” People broke out in laughter I didn’t know what was so funny, but they certainly weren’t upset with me at all. “Corey just go, and head to Jane’s office.” “I don’t know how to get there, can somebody help me?”  “Oh you will be fine, if you look hard enough you will find it no problem” “Okay, I just might go get lost in the patient advocate’s office again.”  “C-O-R-EY!” “Please go now without another word.”

I sensed she might have woke up on the wrong side of the bed or not had her coffee yet.  I meandered the hallways, after putting on my shoes. I found my way to Jane’s office. “Hi Corey, please come and have a seat. Heard you didn’t do so well with your breakfast?” “No I passed, I wasn’t feeling hungry.” “Corey you are going to have to do the bolus protocol We have the stuff right here, we will attach it to your feeding tube, and then press on the syringe.  We need to do it twice, and I am sorry to tell you, it doesn’t feel good.” “Do what you want to do, everything is being documented, and I haven’t brought out my big guns blazing.” Sit real still, Alicia is going to do your first bolus.  It is quite a shock to your system, so you let us know when you are ready.” “Fucking ready!” The girl Alicia, she took no pity on me, she shoved that syringe all the way straight down. I honestly thought I was going to die but nope I was fine. “Are you okay Corey?'” What if I said I wasn’t would it change anything, so no satisfaction for you, I am ready let’s get this over.” Again she plunged the syringe right down, I wanted to do the same thing right back to her. I fought back my tears, no nothing fell, and I regrouped quite fast I think, it was truly pure hell.  I couldn’t stop thinking that at lunch and dinner there would be two more bolus’ each.  It was worth it to get out of this miserable place.

-Corey

BORN THIS WAY-2016