Category: #anorexia#recovery #radicall will # losing more weight # the holidays are here #my heart hurts along with my stomach# praying and praying

Leaving Walden Radical Will Begins part 11

The last two days leading up to Christmas were pretty uneventful.  I was got up in my mind, thinking about what was right on the other side of Christmas.

Stephanie and did some last minute errands, I tried to lay low and not lose any weight. My first appointment with my Radical Will was day after Christmas with the nutritionist. I wasn’t sure she would weigh or not, so to play it safe I aired that she would. My weight the last few days was okay, up one pound down one pound on the next day. I was right in the range when I saw my doctor, I just hoped that Christmas Eve and Christmas day did not do me in.

I was pretty much caught up in my head. Worries of all sorts floated through my mind. From not maintaining my weight, to not being able to do Radical Will, I was pretty much a walking basket case. I worried about things that never struck my mind before, all because I was scared to  death. Failing the weight requirement or at Radical Will, were not options in my universe.

The day before Christmas Eve we went to the grocery store, picked up some fixings to make our own Christmas dinner. I wasn’t too enthused about shopping, I felt bad for Stephanie who was on top of the moon. I believe in her eyes I was getting better, there were no real fires to put out in the days or nights of recent time. I know she felt a great sense of relief. We ended the day at the liquor store, buying bottles of wine and liquor for friends and to have at the house. So many people I knew exchanged wine for Christmas. We got home a little after 8 pm, we had eaten earlier, and my stomach was still in revolt. I wondered to myself how long could it last. We feel asleep watching Orange is the New Black.

Christmas Eve is always exciting. We didn’t have to do a lot of running around. We had plans to see my ex-wife and daughter later in the late afternoon. I got up at my maniac’s hours and battled the cold to get my coffee. I was greeted with a surprise when I returned, Stephanie was up and making eggs and veggie bacon for breakfast. It was a really early morning for her, she said since it was Christmas Eve, she would be on my schedule for the next two days. I went and took my Adderall with the coffee. I wasn’t quite sure how I felt about Stephanie being up so early. I loved her to death and of course was happy, but I had this whole routine I did by myself in the maniac’s hours. All that was getting tossed aside, to make accommodations for Stephanie’s surprise. I was sitting at the kitchen table playing with my phone, she turned and looked at me and said, “Corey go and do your thing. I am making us breakfast than I am going to join you in the study while you do what you do. I am going to finish my book.” I said, “Are you sure?” “She said, “Positively.” I said thank you and I went into my study. I felt very bad that I required my space in the morning, and well like throughout the day. I do not know what it is but I need my time. Sure there are legitimate reasons, like blogging for instance. I posted every morning. I was logging onto my laptop, when I got this terrible pain in my heart. I thought it had to be gas of some sort, it hurt so bad it took my breath away. It passed but I was shaken up further, what if my heart was really not good? I decided not to tell Stephanie, she would have gotten all worked up and probably had me in the emergency room. I had t stay out of the ER. The last month before I went into Walden, I was seen by the ER on 15 occasions. All for legitimate reasons. Not cool at all. Stephanie brought in breakfast to the study, she knew I really wanted to get onto my computer. She set the plates down on the coffee table, I came and sat beside her on the couch. I thanked her for breakfast especially at that the hour, she wished me a Merry Christmas Eve.

We talked about the day, and how I was feeling emotionally about Christmas day. I told her I was consumed with anxious worry, about everything I could worry about. I didn’t want to blow my weight on Christmas day, so I shared my concerns about it with her. She had some good suggestions, and we decided to enjoy the festivities of this Christmas Eve. We had a small tree, candles in the windows, white lights strung up all around the study. We finished eating and much to both of our surprise, I insisted on cleaning up after breakfast. I knew I had to change my self-centered ways. They didn’t bother Stephanie, she was so happy to do, but I knew in my heart it was the right thing to do. I ate not so well, although I ate all my bacon, the rest of my plate was not a good effort. I already felt the cramps coming back, I was very anxious to talk to my team about it in the next two weeks. I got up slowly, I got that heart pain again, and I froze. I wasn’t sure what to make of it. Again it passed and I went out to the kitchen, and dove in to getting it cleaned up. I told Stephanie, to go get her book, I would be done in no time and we could be together in the study. When I heard her on the second floor I was overcome with feeling so fat! I left the kitchen and went into the bathroom, I hurriedly took off my clothes and jumped on the scale. It said I was down a little over a pound, I didn’t think that could be accurate. I got back dressed up and scooted into the kitchen, I finished cleaning and wiping down the counters. I went back into the study, and made note of my stomach attack. It was hard to distract myself, I swear they were nothing short of labor pains.

Stephanie came in in her robe with her book. The first thing she said was you don’t look well. She suggested that I go back to bed, but I hadn’t even got on my computer. However the cramps were too intense, I needed to get up and at least move around. Stephanie suggested we go up to the bedroom, and put in some of the Orange is the New Black. I was hurting too much to go lay down, I told Stephanie I needed a couple of minutes. I grabbed heating pads and tried to lay on the couch, but I was now getting this funny pain from my stomach to my heart it was all very weird. I was now starting to get nervous. I jumped back up and walked around the house. Finally I got to a place, where I could go lay down I thought. I headed up to the bedroom. Stephanie already had Netflix’s on. I took my heating pads and fell in the bed. I couldn’t get the scale out of my mind, I wanted to weigh myself in the bathroom up by the bedroom. It suddenly dawned on me I three bathrooms, and each one of them had a scale. I don’t think that is how most people live. I told Stephanie I was going to the bathroom. I went in and quickly undressed, stood on the scale and closed my eyes. What the fuck, this scale said I was down a pound a half! I had been eating and not over doing it, I was going to have to tell Stephanie about this.

I came out of the bathroom and said, “The scale is down a pound and a half. I don’t understand what is going on with me.” “Oh sweetie, I am so sorry.” “I need to call my doctor today. I can’t take any chances of this getting worse. I pray that he has some mercy for me coming clean, otherwise I was going to be sent to the medical floor at the hospital. My cramps were still raging I was crawling out of my skin, I asked Stephanie if she wanted to watch the show. I was way deep into my twisted sick head, I wondered how I was really going to make it. The show was on, but I didn’t pay attention, I prayed and I prayed for help and strength and most of all courage. I had to do right by my body this time. Finally the cramps subsided a bit, I got close to Stephanie just to feel her peace. Oh how peace eluded me badly, Stephanie was filled with it, and I sometimes tried to borrow some of hers. I didn’t know what I was going to say to the doctor. I closed my eyes to think, and next thing you know I am awaking up all alone in my bed, the clock says 12:30 pm. I had slept for hours I think it was the stress, I wondered where Stephanie was. Then it hit me I had to call the doctor. I got my phone and looked him up in my contacts. I dialed and got a nice assistant. She knew me, and tried to find the doctor. Eventually the doctor got on the phone. My heart was racing a million miles an hour.

“Hi it’s Corey and I wanted to tell you, despite eating well and limiting my activity, the scale said after breakfast I was down a pound a half. I just wanted to check in and let you know.”

“I appreciate your call Corey, it comes as a surprise that you are being so diligent regarding my words. I tell you what, I see you next Monday, I am going to make a note in your chart. If you lose another pound and a half whomever is on call will have you admitted. Remember this is a stressful time of year, eat up, and truly limit your activity. Any questions or concerns for me? ”

“No doctor I am at a loss as to why I would lose this weight given my routine these last couple of days. I wish you Happy Holidays. I will be sure to call if the scale dips below. Thank you very much for your time today.”

I hung up my phone and threw it onto the bed, I was so relieved it wasn’t even funny. I was scared of so many things. From losing more weight, my heart pains, and possible in-patient admission. In the back of all this worry was Radical Will, I was trying to call upon it. Didn’t seem to be working out all too well. I prayed and prayed for some relief. Stephanie was coming up to the bedroom. I told about the doctor’s call. She looked surprised that I had actually done it, maybe this Radical Will and team approach was starting to work on me in the smallest ways. I needed to get up and eat, and then get on with the rest of Christmas Eve. Tomorrow would be a big day, and I had to manage it right. I found myself praying again……..

-Corey

BORN THIS WAY-2016