Summer courses continued at a frenetic pace. I kept up my routines and lived for the maniac’s hours. Between the golden elixir I took, my blissed out feelings, and my steroidal concentration, I tackled my studies and all facets of my life. I started getting grades back; they were perfect scores. The scale was going down, and quietly without a word, I started actively restricting my food intake a little bit each day! My anorexia was creeping into my world; I had lost enough weight on my already slender frame. People began to notice, giving me the encouragement to do it even more, better, getting it perfect.
Things reached their peak by late July, I was truly on top of world. My body was starting to ‘wow’ me with its changes. I started not believing I could get to this thin. It began to propel me to even greater restriction. The more weight I lost, the higher I felt, and I continued to increase my active restriction. I don’t have a clue to what brought on the restriction, it wasn’t because I had an absolute goal. I believe it was the first time in my life since my divorce 4 years ago, that I had control, and my mind was not right. It forged control of my school work and seized my body. Little did I know this state of euphoria would soon quickly pass by. It would be replaced with weakness and no more control as my anorexia would end up stealing from me, all the controls that brought to this place-high on a mountain just filled with pure joy and knowledge that I had complete control for a minute.
On top of excelling at school, and the scale dipping down further than ever before, I also increased my exercise routines. Walking 5 miles in the morning, followed now by 2 more miles at night, and the addition of hiking on every weekend.
As sick as I was diagnostically, I never felt happier, more euphoric in my daily life. I wish with all that I am, I could have frozen that time in a forever after space. But as the month of July wore on, visible signs of my anorexia began to sprout. For starters to others, I appeared too thin. I thought I looked good but had further I could go. Not ever one to care about clothes size, I found they made a double 00, and on my slender 67 inch frame, I tried a little harder to get there quickly. Never in a million years would I ever think, that I could wear a 00 size pant. With each passing day, my friends and family did worry. I had gotten to the point where I didn’t want to go out to eat anymore. I mainly ate Greek non-fat yogurt, and sometimes when weak a spoonful of Nutella. My own little daughter of mine, only 12 at the time, began to worry and air concerns with me-it was one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life.
Looking back I wish upon wish, I could have caught myself and negated the rest of this sad and horrific story. Tomorrow I blog when this all became serious and frightfully dangerous at the very least. It is when I realized my mind was not my friend; I couldn’t stop my behaviors if I wanted. I had no idea what spurned me on, but looking in the mirror I didn’t recognize me anymore. I had fallen from 117 pounds to barely a 100 or not even so. At 67 inches this was much too thin…….looking ahead to my journey I will tell-my weight dropped below 80 at its very worst. It will take a while to get to that part, but with thanks, gratitude and a big sorry, I pray my friends and my family can see, I am slowly getting to better as quickly as I can.
I will continue tomorrow with part 3. I thank you for all that read my journey. If you don’t understand, and think it is a choice, keep reading please, it is so much more than that.
BORN THIS WAY-2016