Category: #recovery #losing weight #Santa #I am scared #anoexia

Leaving Walden SANTA part 6

I woke up during the maniac’s hours and was too cold to get out of bed. I wanted to go to the store and get a coffee but it was freezing. We kept the heat on 80 degrees just so I wouldn’t turn blue. Anytime outdoors was a major setback, I would need  a half a day to warm up.  I played with my phone and started a new list for Santa. I was being to see how just crazy this was but I wanted to deliver my own special list.

Stephanie sleeps in until almost 8 am so I did decide to go get that coffee, to take with the Adderall. I hope to get some of the magic elixir, so I quietly slide off the top of my bed. I was so worried about the weather, I forgot all about the scale and weighing in. The thought of weighing in made my blood turn to ice, and I began to shiver out of control. I went downstairs to the second level, so I didn’t wake Stephanie up. Although I was freezing I took all my clothes off and got on the scale knowing there was no return. Oh my gosh, I had lost over 3 pounds in just one day! I freaked out, I couldn’t breath, I was worried about getting sent back to Walden before the holiday. I could barely get a breath as I hurriedly put all my layers of clothes back on. What the hell was I going to do? I had a hard enough time adding weight but now losing it, when I still had so much to do today. I thought about not coming clean with Stephanie. However that was not the type of friends that we are, and that would  upset the trust we have in place.

I got all my clothes on, and continued to shiver throughout the house. I couldn’t decide whether to get the coffee, but then I thought, yes, calories. So I bundled up even more, and walked to the store to make my drink. I felt on the walk, my body getting weaker and weaker. I had to do something about it, I was only 38 yrs old. I got into the warm store, thawed for a second, and then made my coffee concoction. I paid for it and headed out into the bitter cold. My house is really close, I can see it, I just cant barely move in this nasty weather induced by my anorexia.

When I got home this was a surprise….Stephanie sitting at the kitchen table. She had woke up when I left and was worried about my weight. I just came right out and told her, “I have dropped more than 3 pounds since yesterday.” I saw Stephanie’s eyes fill with tears. She too was at a loss, and I think we were both just scared. “Corey you need to forget going out today, and please forget about Santa. I know it is a big deal, but keeping you well is our only goal, even if you don’t buy one single Christmas, people will be so happy you are actually home. Please, Corey can that be enough?” I wanted to say yes, but I was going to see Santa for myself, and the Christmas presents, I only had to do a few. My ex-wife and I split Bella’s Christmas, I didn’t pick anything out, but I would give the money to my ex so that would be all fine. Last year, Stephanie and I made our first tradition: we gave each other a gift on Christmas eve, and then waited until New Year’s Day, to celebrate our Christmas together. I needed to get cards, my family is nuts and must have Hallmark cards for the holidays. That I could do very easily.

“Tell you what I will do my best for all of us. I need to see Santa for me. I have to get you one present, which I already know what it is, I need to give cash to my ex, and lastly the blessed Hallmark cards. Stephanie laughed, although she was still crying, not knowing what to do. I had to make this easier on her. I would go get some yogurts and start eating them right away. “Corey how are you feeling?” “What do you mean?” “I mean honestly are we headed for a crash and burn?” “NO I pared down my list, we will get Santa out of the way first thing, and then take it from there.” I sat down next to Stephanie, I loved so much, I wished I could tell her. I opened a yogurt and dove in, I finished quickly and moved on to number two. This one didn’t go down as well, but I managed to finish it. Oh my god, what an instant stomach ache. “Please Stephanie heating pads as many as like three.” “That bad this morning, think the coffee didn’t help?” “I have no idea, but I am seriously going to break. My stomach cant take much more of this, and the pain is making me weak.” I got up I walked, I  sat back down. Anything trying to get comfortable, and in front of Stephanie I wasn’t too shy. “Are we almost ready to go see Santa?” “I think by the time we are ready, it will be perfect timing to go see Santa. “I would love to be the first in line, to ward off those pesky kids.” “Okay, lets do it, can you hurry up and get ready?” “Stephanie I am the fastest changer, are you saying I am slowing down? I hope not because I don’t wan to waste unnecessary energy.” “You are fine, Corey, let me do my face and teeth, and get the car started.” I went upstairs to the top floor and used that bathroom up there. I think we finished at the exact same time. We both laughed and hugged one another. God, how I did love Stephanie. Too much to think of today.

We got into the heated car, that still felt like 50 below. We headed to the mall, I got out my list for Santa, as this was a list he surely hadn’t seen before. We found a close parking space, and made our way to the entrance. We got to Santa, there were two kids in front of me, I was OK with that. “May I take your picture with Santa,” Stephanie beamed her million dollar smile. “Only for you and I to see if you are okay with that?” “No problem, I will go take my spot.” I waited for Santa, and my stomach still hurt, my eyes welled from my list to Santa. I hadn’t thought of an escape route. One that didn’t have me crying all over the place. I would just wing it, and dash on out. I was the next person in line. Being so light and dressed in all kids clothes, I didn’t look out of place.

“So who do we have here?” “Santa my name is Corey. I just have a list I want to read to you, and then you keep it so it brings me good luck.” “Come sit on my lap, Corey” I jumped into his mammoth lap. I started my list and here is what it said:

Dear Santa,

My name is Corey and I am very sick. If I am seeing you, I am very lucky and so happy. I have a some favors I really need.

First is to be healthy for Christmas morning and all of the gang

Second, can you please make my Bella’s Christmas extra special this year.

Third, Santa please help me. Whatever you can do. I don’t weigh enough and I am frighten about the next few weeks

Fourth, please look over my friends and family, especially Bella and Stephanie.

Lastly, Santa I am here because I believe, and I truly need your help with eating enough and not worrying people. I love you and Merry Christmas, Corey

“Santa, please keep the note.” “Oh yes Corey that note is a gift to me.” ‘Best of luck Corey, I will be thinking about you through the next weeks. I am sure at the North Pole, there are plenty of things to help you, my friend.”

The tears streamed down my face, I was embarrassed to see Stephanie. She saw I was upset, and hustled me out to the car. We drove home in silence, except for my crying, my back, my entire being was against the wall. I felt all the weight of my worries. Such a bad sign for me. Stephanie held my hand, I squeezed it back, and I continued to cry looking out my window.

We got home, and I was ready to rest in my bed. I was trying to shake the mood, for Stephanie, and she was so kind because she just wanted me to be fine.  I hauled my way up all the stairs, and there was Julia Bleu, my beautiful black pug. Waiting for me to return. I said, “Do you want to get into bed, or lay on the top?” “No I would like us to get into bed, and really relax for  awhile.” I got changed and hoped into bed, almost landing on Stephanie. We hadn’t talked the entire ride home, and now I knew she expected to talk. “Stephanie, I do want to talk and explain everything, but right now I am so wiped I might be able to sleep for a bit. I will tell you everything, and answer any questions you might have.” Stephanie tousled my hair, and said, “Corey you are perfect, and we can talk later. I would like to know what happened in the mall and all the way back home.” “I can do that, and I shall.” I  ask the gods of rest, to descend upon us for a couple of hours. “Thank you so much Stephanie, I couldn’t care about you one bit more.” “I adore Corey, you make me happy like no one else in the world. Please come lay with me and lets relax. We will get up in awhile.”