Category: #recovery#re-feeding #weigh in # restrictions # I cant do this any more #starvation

Leaving Walden First Doctor Appointment part 9

I woke at the maniac’s hours. It was cold but I still decided to go get my coffee and get on my computer. Put on my outdoor gear, and Julia Bleu wouldn’t budge. She wasn’t getting out underneath all the covers, with Stephanie fast asleep.  I went down all the stairs, and made it to the door. I took a deep breath, opened the door, and cold blasted me like a forceful hair dryer blowing sub-zero degree air.  I walked as fast as I could. I remembered that I hadn’t weighed myself this morning. I needed to do that the second I got back, before I had my coffee.  Got to the store and just stood still, I needed my circulation to return. I finally made my coffee and paid.I was in no rush to go back out into the cold.

I got home and stopped in the bathroom on the first floor. I unpeeled the layers of jackets and clothes into a huge mound on the floor. I was naked as I could be. Took off all of my jewelry, and stepped on the scale. I closed my eyes for a second. My guess was it was down again. When I start to lose weight, and gets to be like a run away freight train. I opened my eyes and I was down another 1.5 pounds from the day before. That if you are doing the math with me, was an over 4.5 pound loss, which fucking freaked me out. This was so not okay, and I had no choice but to wake Stephanie up, I had to come up with a plan and I needed to eat pancake already, so I could try to water load. Water load, is what anorexics do, to put on instant weight for a scheduled weigh in. Some scales can differentiate the water, but I knew my doctor’s scale could not. I hated to have to wake Stephanie up, but I really needed her help.

I put on some clean fleece pajamas and left my clothes in the middle of the bathroom. I went up to the top level, Stephanie was sound asleep. I hated to wake her up, but I knew she would want me to….I got on the bed and gently rubbed her arm and shoulder. She began to stir and I whispered, “Stephanie.”

She came right to and ask me if everything was alright. I explained to her the scale situation, and how I had no clue what  to do. I asked her if she minded making me pancakes. “Of course not Corey, I will just grab a robe and we will go downstairs and fix you some pancakes.”  “Thank you so much, Stephanie.” We went down to the kitchen, and I helped her get everything out. She told me just to relax, and said, “Why don’t you go surf the net, I will have these ready in no time.” So I wandered into the study, Julia Bleu was plopped on the couch. I set at my computer, and I  started to get all worried about my appointment this morning. I had never really did a big water load and was not sure my belly wouldn’t show it. I never fibbed to my doctor. I could smell the pancakes from the kitchen, they actually made me a little hungry. “Corey, everything is ready.” “Okay I will be there in a second.”

I went into the bathroom and washed my hands, realizing I hadn’t taken my Adderall. I went to get a pill, and figure out where I left my coffee. Found the coffee in the bedroom, and made my way into the kitchen. Stephanie was so sweet, she had set a beautiful table, and even made fresh fruit salad.

“Thank you so much,” I said.

“You are welcome I am always happy to cook for you. Do you think you will be able to eat a couple more?”

“I feel like I have to gag it down, but if I don’t I do not know what will happen at my appointment today. The scale was down another 1.5 pounds. I am scared to death of seeing the doctor.”

“Oh sweetie I am so sorry and I don’t quite understand it,” Stephanie said with a perplexed voice.

“It is that whole fucking re-feeding thing, I told you a little about. When you starve your body, your metabolism goes up, sometimes super high. Everything you eat, you body consumes because it is not sure when it will be fed again. It sucks it is a vicious cycle, and everyone has told me, I am stuck in a re-feeding pattern.So I have such a hard time gaining weight. I will try a few more but I know this is going to make me sick.”

Stephanie made me two more pancakes, and my stomach was already starting to revolt from the first ones and plus some of the coffee. I thanked her for the pancakes, and tried my best to eat them. My stomach was in major attack mode, and I had a hard time sitting in my chair. “I think I better take a break now. I am not feeling well at all. I am going upstairs to lay down.  “Will you come up and join me?” “Yes, of course just give me a minute. I will be right up,” Stephanie softly replied.

I went up the stairs, and grabbed some heating pads. I just felt so sick I wanted to die. It felt like that might be a possibility. Stephanie came up and got into bed, and pulled me close to her. I loved her so much but didn’t tell her. My stomach was making it hard for me to stay in bed. I felt like I needed to get up and walk. I fought the feeling until I couldn’t take it any longer. I told Stephanie, I just needed to walk, I was fine and she should just rest. I went to go down the stairs, and Stephanie said, “I think you need to tell your doctor about your stomach attacks.” “Okay,”  It hurt so much my eyes burned with tears. There was nothing I could do to make this feeling go away. I walked all the way down to the first floor where my study was located. I thought maybe the computer could distract me. Nope not a chance at that. I laid down on the couch, and pulled my knees into my chest. Now the tears were flowing, however it wasn’t just my stomach. I wondered how long could all this madness last? How long would I fuck around with eating, and never getting past the point of re-feeding? I cried for me, I cried for Bella.  I wanted to be so much better health-wise for her.  I guess I cried myself to sleep. Next thing I remember, is Stephanie sitting on the couch beside me.

“How are you feeling?” she asked.

“I don’t know yet, it takes a minute. I haven’t been in that much pain.Sorry I feel asleep down here.”

“Corey it is all fine, I just want you to speak to your doctor about your stomach.”

“Okay,” I smiled in return.

We got to my doctor’s appointment at 10:15 am. I was scheduled for a 10:30 appointment. I asked the receptionist if I could use the restroom. I went inside with my knapsack and took out a Diet Sprite. I drank the entire bottle, in only three gulps. I had another one, but was nervous that my stomach might come under attack. So I bagged it and went back into the waiting room.

“Corey” said my doctor’s nurse. I told Stephanie I would be back soon, she squeezed my hand as a sign of reassurance, The nurse made small talk, but I just tuned her out. The scale was the first thing that got done, and I was fixated on that of course. “Right in here, Corey.” I followed the nurse into the same examine room I always get seen in because it has a new scale right in the room. The nurse left me to get undressed and put on my Johnnie. I left on my jewelry and my socks. She wasn’t the swiftest of the nurses, so I felt a little bit lucky. There was a knock on the door and she was back. Without a word, I took a deep breath, put the pains in my stomach out of my head, and defiantly stood in the middle of the scale. I was nervous to look, but it had gone up some. I think the variance out of Walden looked like I had lost 2.5 pounds. Much better than the 4.5 pounds I had been down earlier that morning. The drink really helped, but now I had two problems. I had to pee really bad, and my stomach was throwing me fits. The nurse took the rest of my vitals and left me to get dressed, and wait for the doctor to appear.

There was a knock on the door, in walked the doctor. He had my chart open to the weight section. I knew this wasn’t going to be great.

“So I will talk and you can listen? Is that alright with you?” “Yes,” I said quietly.

“You have lost close to three pounds since you left Walden. I realize there is some adjustment going on, and I think it was a very wise idea to see me today. Corey you can not continue to starve yourself in this way. I know you may think you’re eating, but somewhat isn’t enough. You are very sick and this has been a long time of stress on your entire body but especially on your heart. I know we have a plan with other folks assisting you. I will tell you right now I will not have much patience for your weight to at least stabilize. It is imperative you stop losing weight. Gaining will come after. This continuing destabilized weight of yours scares me quite frankly. I know you don’t like Walden, and have done a lot of work to make this something that may or may not work. I am the chief judge of that, is that clear?” “Yes,” I mumbled.

“Good I am glad we are on the same page, or if we aren’t you are going to adhere to my expectations. I want to be clear, there can be no missed appointments, no delays in seeing the entire team in the next two weeks. We need to all meet with you, for your plan to have a chance of succeeding. I want you to know, you are a very sick person. I want you to have an EKG I need to look at your heartrhythms. They haven’t been normal and they cant get worse. Then I have labs for you, to take to the hospital today, as I need your lab work to review by the end of the day. I hope I am not offending you, but quite frankly you are sicker than hell. I know you don’t feel good. I know this because you are starving yourself. You can’t be a parent you want to be right now. You need to give some space to Bella, she is too worried about your health. Of course the holidays are fine, but you need to get better. She needs to know her mommy was sick, and then her mommy got better. Did you hear that? Her mommy got better…..that is the only way to make this something manageable for Bella to have a chance of not being affected. I know I have done all the talking. I will listen to you in one second. I am sorry to have to lay down the law, but starving yourself for as long as you have, will put you in such a predicament. Lastly my expectations for weight. You may lose no more than 1.5 pounds, before I put you into the hospital on the med floor with another feeding tube. I know this seems punitive, but your life whether you realize it is not very stable and I wouldn’t be doing my job, to not worry about your heart. That’s it for me, again I am sorry. Please Corey tell me what you are thinking.”

“I heard what you said, and I am not happy, which of course is to be expected. I think the threshold of 1.5 pounds is harsh. I am in the midst of re-feeding and I cant seem to get beyond it. However I will discuss with the nutritionist and my eating disorders therapist. I hope you understand they are part of this team, that was my idea, and their input matters in my care. I am very sad about Bella, but will protect her as much as I can. I don’t want to hurt her, or have her end getting sick. I need to mention I am having bad stomach attacks when I eat. I am not sure if they are normal or not. I wanted to mention them to you.”

“Corey, start taking that emergency medication,  half an hour before you eat. Is there anything more?” “No, I muttered.

“Okay we will do that EKG and I will need to review it before you can leave. I will have the nurse do all the lab slips you must go right to the hospital so I can have the results by this afternoon. I want to see you in one week. Just to be clear, I will be seeing you once a week until we make enough progress. Right now a weekly weigh in, and weekly labs are what you can expect of me. I will speak  briefly about your EKG. Happy Holidays, Corey.” “Same to you doctor, and thank you for your time.”

I was on the verge of so many things, Tears, doubling over in stomach pain, and the wanting to throw up when I thought of my Bella, all under my biggest fear of the weight loss restriction, that left me no where to go. The nurse came in with the EKG machine, had me lay down and got everything attached. She pushed a button and the paper came out. “I will give this to your doctor, and be right back with your lab slips.” I nodded okay. I was afraid to speak for fear of crying. I sat there and I thought, I am going to do this. It was the first time out of Walden I had a slight bit of confidence. Living like this was not okay.The stress of everything too much for me. I actually realized I was glad I saw the doctor, as it was my first step forward in my recovery plan. That made things a little bit better. There was a knock on the door and the doctor walked in, holding my EKG.

“Corey, things are not good. Remember we talked of arrhythmias before and no rhythms. I urge you to eat, drink, and rest as much as you can. On top of that I am putting you on new medication for your heart. It is given to people who have had heart attacks. You don’t have any shortness of breath or pains in your chest, or shoulder or your jaw?” “No I don’t,” I said matter of fact. “Good then the nurse will meet you at check out with all your labs. If something is wrong I will call you later this afternoon. Good luck Corey, I want to see you better.”

w you had a prolonged qt-interval  wider apart, and there are some abnormalities with your hear

“Thank you, Happy Holidays,” I said as nice as I could.

I got up and walked out of the room, and the nurse was with a check out person. I got my new script for my heart, an appointment for the next week, and all my lab slips to go to the hospital. I opened the exit door to the waiting room, and Stephanie jumped right up. “Are you okay?” she said. “No I am not,” I said as I began to cry……