Radical Will Eating Disorders Therapy Session part 6

So I got up  at the maniac’s hours to write my abstract on Radical Will. I was super excited, it had been quite awhile since I had done anything but blog. I really missed school. I couldn’t wait to return. Hopefully by the Summer semester. I prayed for three classes. I went to the store with Julia Bleu in tow. We got the coffee and we came back home.

I took my Adderall right away. wanted the good golden elixir working through me. I spent a little time the day before outlining the specifics I wanted to cover. I didn’t give much thought to page range, I knew it was only a detailed abstract. I thought to myself I would share this with  Pam but would only let her borrow a copy with signing a confidentiality statement. This whole idea, my medical care, was all my own very idea. I had no input from nobody else, I probably could have use some if I had thought about it. I began to write the abstract. It felt so good to be writing and producing work. The next four hours flew by. I was just about through when Stephanie surprised me. It was still 3 hours early for her to be getting up. She woke up because she knew I was writing my Radical Will abstract. She was pretty excited too. I kept on writing and did talk to her as Julia Bleu sought Stephanie’s affections. It was overwhelming for Stephanie. She asked me how I felt and how was the scale today? Oh my I had forgotten about the scale I was just about finished so I would wait to weigh myself for a few more minutes. However, now it was gnawing at my brain. Finally my abstract was finished, and Stephanie could proof read it for me.

I went into the bathroom and took off my clothes, I had had a pretty good day yesterday. I wasn’t sure what to expect, I wanted the best but knew it probably wouldn’t be the case. Sure as hell the scale was now down five pounds. I panicked I didn’t know what to do. I knew that  Pam would weigh me again today. I threw on my clothes and I came out to see Stephanie. She was smiling from ear to ear. She told me my abstract was written like it was taken out of a medical journal. She handed me the corrections, and I didn’t say anything. I really was lost for words. She finally asked me about the scale. I stopped what I was doing and turned to face her. I looked directly in the eyes as I began to cry, I said, “It’s down over five pounds and Pam is going to weigh me today. I then asked Stephanie if she would make me my smoothie now. Sure she said surprised but went off to make it. I was going to have to really dig deep today. I finished my edits and printed it again. I re-read it and made some more corrections. I fixed those too and printed out one last copy. I read through it slowly and aloud. I printed off two more copies and then found a confidentiality form for Pam to fill out. I even stipulated it had to be kept separate from my own folder. This was my intellectual property. In fact I would give copies to all my provides and have them sign confidentiality agreements. I thought it articulated my position and my stance on Radical Will. I really started building steam for this approach. Not because it was mine, but because I thought it had a really great chance of working for me.

Stephanie came back with my big smoothie. I was very grateful and gave her the last version of the abstract to read. She thought this was my best I ever explained the entire concept, and my rationale for using it in the first place. I asked if she would make me some pancakes and veggie sausages for breakfast. I was going to drink at least two bottles of soda on the way. Anything to get away from the five pound mark. Stephanie of course said she would be happy to make me breakfast. She said she was also excited now that I had a true working abstract. I got up and went to turn on the shower. The last thing I wanted was to jump in, but I knew I needed to take one. I was in and out in no time. I was dressed and still had soaking hair, my breakfast was ready so I did like I like to do and threw on a ski cap to cover my head. We sat down to breakfast and  I said a small Grace. I ate as much as I could eat, and worked on my smoothie at that the same time. I had horrible stomach pains that were only going to get worse. I could have cried but knew it would do nothing except stress me more out. I was stuffed, my smoothie was less than have drunk, I had eaten 3/4 of a pancake and a  veggie sausage. I had a ways to go and my appointment was at 11 am with Pam. Stephanie asked how I was doing. She usually only asked if I didn’t look well. I said, “I am stuffed, my stomach is a land mine field, and I HAVE to eat and drink as much as possible. I can’t get admitted by my primary care today for the weight loss. I googled pro-anna sites for information on quick weight  gains. I honestly don’t go on them anymore I know all the tricks at losing weight, it is the gaining part I don’t know. I remembered that people  salted even their fruit at Walden because the sodium made them retain water. I got the salt and salted my shake, and my breakfast. Stephanie laughed nervously at me. “Another Walden Trick?” “Yep I said , “Desperate times desperate measures.”

I was feeling so crappy and was scared about the hospital in a deep inexplicable way. I felt rather doomed. I finished my pancake, and sucked down to about have of my smoothie. I asked Stephanie how she was doing? I invited her to come in for my entire appointment with Pam. “Really? ” she said. “Yes, you are the person I am closest to and I think you might learn, plus  then we can talk about the appointment instead of me telling you about the appointment. Stephanie came over to me and put her hands on my shoulders. “I feel so lucky Corey that we are the friends we are. You don’t have any idea do you?” “I feel the same way probably 100 times more.  I would seriously be dead if it wasn’t for your love and care.”

We stayed like that for a minute but my stomach was killing me,  I had to finish my shake and I had to drink soda. I felt like I could actually throw up. I was so bloated and uncomfortable. I needed to get ready as we needed to leave in a  half an hour. I brought the smoothie with me and dropped my plate and things into the sink. Stephanie went upstairs to get ready and I finished getting ready in the bathroom on the first floor. I was leaving the ski cap on for the day so my hair was not an issue. I finished getting ready and was really starting to crawl out of my skin. I was not okay. I found my smoothie and choked down some more. I was basically ready to go and almost forgot my abstract. I put three copies in a folder, and threw in my smoothie recipe and my weekly eating log. Stephanie came down the stairs and wow she looked fabulous. I never looked at her that way but she was It Girl today! I started the car, as I loved the remote car starter, nothing like getting into a warm car. Stephanie threw on her gear and asked if she could carry anything. I asked her to grab the folder. I had my knapsack and my smoothie. I was dying at the moment from my stomach and death was near or so it fucking felt. Oh how I hated myself and the body I blew to  tiny bits and pieces. We headed out to the car, I asked Stephanie to grab 4 heating pads.

We got in the car, it was warm and we always leave the seat warmers on. I got situated with the heating pads in my underwear, and Stephanie drove us to Pam’s office. I was so nervous. Not about Pam really, but my primary care doctor. I choked more of the shake down and I opened a diet sprite. My pants and stomach were going to implode. I honestly couldn’t get a full breath because of my stomach was so filled. I hope I would actually be able to really puke some of this later. I couldn’t stand myself. We got to Pam’s office and Stephanie dropped me at the front door. I waited for her to park and actually drank the last bit of my smoothie. I was so ill I hoped I made it through the session. Stephanie came in and we headed to Pam’s suite together. We sat in the waiting room and honestly I was about to bust and needed the bathroom. I felt so bloated I couldn’t get a deep breath.

Pam came out and greeted us. I explained to her that I had invited Stephanie to come in for  the session if it was alright with her. Pam was more than happy to have Stephanie join us. We went into the office and before I sat Pam handed me a johnnie and had me get ready to be weighed. Okay here we go I thought. This could be heaven or hell. I got into the bathroom and my belly was super descended and killing me. I came out and walked over to the scale. I got on it and held my breath. It read, just under a 5 pound loss. All the eating and drinking hadn’t even added a pound. “Okay we are not stable with your weight.” Pam said. I went into the bathroom and now didn’t know if I had to worry about her too.

I walked into the office and Pam and Stephanie were mid-sentence. I sat down and tried to ignore my severe  pain and my difficulty breathing. Pam asked if I had had the time to work on the abstract. I grabbed the folder and handed a couple to both Pam and Stephanie. Pam asked for a few minutes to read through it. I read it again, and was happy with it really. I could definitely right a research protocol for this abstract. Pam looked at me and smiled. “This is the hard work of a person who is NOT staying sick.” I instantly started crying and it was from a place I never knew existed. I would  later come to realize it was a new place within reserved for my painful recovery and my frustration with my recovery.

Pam started talking,” Corey I am honestly impressed with this concept and it challenges a lot of what is current in the world of therapeutic alliance in anorexia. I think you make some  compelling arguments for particular patients in terms of their recoveries. I think the area you need to develop for this protocol is the weight restoration which is clearly your problem as well.”

“Yes Pam I am very frustrated. I have brought my eating history and I brought my smoothie recipe to  share with you from Amber, my nutritionist.”  I handed Pam the papers and I asked her the question I had been dying to talk to her about: refeeding.

“Pam I was hoping we could talk about refeeding and how I think I am stuck in it. When I was at Walden they thought I got stuck in it. Is that possible. I am eating, drinking my prescription Ensures and now I have had a smoothie every day. I have really limited my activity as well. The scale goes down almost everyday a little bit. My mind is not as bad as my weight restoration is, and weighing myself everyday because I need to know how bad or good it is causes great stress and then there is my worry and anxiety about being admitted into the hospital.”

“Well Corey, I don’t really use the term refeeding, I think it is like being hyper-metabolized, and I have seen to some degree, not as bad as you, but patients who really struggled with hyper-metabolism and I have read extensively on the topic. I would agree that you are eating some, not enough and we will get to that, but I don’t think your mind is as sick as I thought it would be.. There is a fine line between hospitalization and not hospitalization. You are in the murky zone and I feel and sense your frustration. You can obviously only lose so much before we have to think about an NG tube for feeding. I know your primary care is giving you some leeway but you are continuing to drop. That said I would like  to talk about my idea of what an eating plan would look like for you. I don’t want to step on Amber’s toes I will call her myself today.” I didn’t know if this was good or not. I sat up my stomach was still in fire mood and I had to pee and knew I couldn’t.

Pam handed out three sheets of paper. “This will be it for us today once we get through this,” I was relieved it didn’t seem like the hospital today was going to happen. Pam explained the sheets. One was recipes for the crockpot that met all my nutritional needs in one meal. The second was a sheet with a list of the different food groups accompanied with weeks. The third was another food history that Pam also wanted me to fill out.

“Obviously these sheets are pretty straight forward. I know you are recording your intake for Amber but I would like you to do it for me as well. The sheet we need to discuss is food groups with the numbers and  the weeks. You are not even eating at week one level. So that is our goal. I would imagine including your smoothie you will work on reaching week one levels  for two weeks. Does that seem acceptable to you?” “Yes, two weeks to get to eating at week one levels.” I answered. On top of that I have one more sheet you will need to make lots of copies of. It is a food attitude/ED thought sheet that you need  to fill out everyday. Pam asked if everything was clear. I said it was. I asked her about the hospital and any advice she could give me.

“Corey you are going to recover. If you need the hospital we will do it because the goal is complete recovery. “I would also like you to work on a paper now of Radical Will. I know I am throwing a lot at you but I already know you are ready and willing. That will make the difference Corey!” Stephanie asked Pam about getting more recipes for nutritional value. Pam was more than happy to indulge Stephanie with recipes.  “Okay well I think this was an excellent session. Having Stephanie join you Corey is a big step. I will see you at our standing time next week.”

“Thank you Pam we said in unison.” We walked out and I ran for the bathroom. I felt really emotional. We got to the car and I started to cry. Doubts of failing danced all over my soul.




Radical Will Eating Disorders Therapy Session part 5

Pam returned from the restroom with an ice cold water in her hand. I couldn’t tell if she knew I had cried. I just it didn’t matter there was probably going to be a lot of crying going on with her with me.

Again, she brought up my Radical Will concept and asked me if I had written it all out like I explained to her. I said no, I had bits and pieces, and knew it in my head for sure. She asked me to write an abstract on it for our next meeting.  She said she wanted to finish off this session with the house keeping business.  She explained she didn’t accept my insurance and that the first visit was $250 dollars and the visits after that were an hour at $190 per session. She said she knew this created stress and strain for some of her patients. I said I obviously wished it was covered but could and would handle the out of pocket expenses.

We hurriedly spoke about cancellations, no-shows, lack of prompt payment; all the reasons healthcare can get so ugly. Pam wanted to squeeze in one more conversation regarding me if that was possible.

She asked about the people who loved and cared for me. I explained all about Camie, Bella, Stephanie and my parents. I said I had a lot of friends that I had pulled back from with this sickness. She asked about a significant other and I quickly said Stephanie. We were not romantically involved yet but she was my rock and was on leave from  work to get me to my first two weeks of Radical Will appointments. Pam asked if she was here? I said yes, and she said may I meet this beautiful compassionate person? I said sure. I hoped Stephanie didn’t feel too put on the spot as Pam got up and headed to the  hallway that lead to the waiting room.

Next I knew Stephanie is in the room, and I can tell she loves Pam already. Stephanie sits down beside me and Pam complimented her in the most gracious and compassionate way possibly. She told Stephanie she was a very special person and although I probably didn’t get the enormity of it all, at some point I would realize just how amazing Stephanie really was. Pam caught me off guard when she asked if she could give Stephanie a business card. She asked if I was alright if Stephanie wanted to call her? I said yes, but I would want to know about it before it happened. Of course they both replied. Pam had us all fill out consents to talk, and these calls were to be left out of my records. I was a little surprised Stephanie wanted her card but then I imagined too many times Stephanie was left on her own with me to get me out of a jam. Pam asked about meeting again on Friday and I said fine. She had a an 11 am slot open and would that work. Friday was New Year’s Eve so I didn’t want to be out doing this stuff later. I looked at Stephanie and said, “This will work right?” “Sure not a problem,” she replied.  Okay my first major moment in my recovery had  taken place and I knew in my heart I had met a person who truly could help me help myself.

I got my gear on and felt really calm. I wasn’t scared of my body at the moment but it was very hungry. We got outside and it was cold. Stephanie said I looked good. Wow, I don’t think she has said that in that way in many months. I got into the car and took some of my medication for my stomach. I didn’t have the liquid on me. I needed a prescription Ensure in me as soon as possible. Stephanie didn’t have time to warm the car up so we were a little chilled like pointy icicles on the front of a house at like 4 am in the bitter cold. We were both sort of quiet. I think Stephanie was really happy to meet Pam, and saw I was changed. Forever, Pam got to me , to my core. She created a safe and healthy place for me to grow, have a set back, fail, and get right back up and do it again. Her interest in what has been a solo adventure with Radical Will really pumped me up and talking about it in its entirety was so good and necessary for me. I remembered what Pan had mentioned, she wanted a formal abstract on Radical Will by our next appointment on Friday. I was excited but nervous to actually formerly put it all together and also sign my name officially to a new ED recovery program I had created with my own knowledge and pain endured from trying it from other ways. I hoped I had it in me to write this succinctly and with clarity and consideration for all that needed to be considered. I would work on it, the outline today, and get up at the maniac’s hour to write it or at least the first pass.

I looked over at Stephanie she was deep in thought while driving, Wanted to know what was on her mind but didn’t ask. Wanted to talk with her but I would give her another minute. We were heading to pick up Bella. A real treat. An afternoon visit with dinner. Not too long to cause too much worry but enough for us to connect. I finally spoke to Stephanie. So what are you thinking about, honestly. No fibbing. I am thinking about how I am really excited for New Year’s Eve together and I really liked meeting  Pam and being included. “Stephanie I didn’t know you wanted to come. You can come to any of my appointments. Honestly, I would like it to be truthful.”

“Oh I am not sure how that would go over with your doctors.” “The only one I truly care about right now is Pam, and she actually asked if there was anyone I wanted her to meet, ” I responded.

Stephanie looked at me like she had something very important to say to me. “So do you want to tell me about your session with Pam? You are obviously happy and I think relieved and I would love to hear about it if  you are up for sharing.”

“Of course I am up for sharing. I would always tell you everything you wanted to know.

“She is amazing. When I first saw her I thought she had an eating disorder. On Pam refers to my eating disorder as ED. I have a twisted and sick relationship with ED for starters. She wanted to know everything about me and my concept of Radical Will. She was so interested and wants me to draft an abstract on it for our next appointment. I was the first time I talked about it in its entirety with a professional who was giving  me the credit for putting it together. I continued to talk about Pam and how I felt if someone could help me it was her. I said the time flew and Pam weighed me in today and we did not ever talk about it. It was part of her protocol not just my primary care.”

“Corey I am so thrilled for you! You have needed a Pam from the beginning.”

“I know I think how I probably would have caught this illness if Pam was in my life. But no dwelling. I am in forward motion.”

“So seemed almost relieved to me Corey. What is that about? ”

“Pam makes me feel safe.” Wow those were huge words coming from a completely scared and fragile person like me. I told Stephanie I was going to work on my abstract outline today and that I would get up early and write the abstract.

We were close to picking up Bella. I was excited. Stephanie was really happy and I looked out my window and one happy tear dropped from my eye. I felt so lucky to have found Pam. I felt HOPE for myself for the  first time since before I could  remember……



Radical Will Eating Disorders Therapy Session part 4

I was nervous as hell sitting in Pam’s office. I honestly didn’t know what to expect. About my weight lose or anything else might say. In all of my time I have never talked to a therapist or doctor about me in relationship to my eating disorder.

I thought for a second I should have thought more or harder about things. Perhaps I should have prepared a memo to Pam since I do much better with writing my feelings down, and I seem to get in touch with them more successfully.

First thing Pam said was, “Corey please try to relax.” I laughed out loud how did she now I was nervous, petrified was more like it. She continued,  “This our time, this is  our space, what we say or do is something we will agree upon. I am not filled with a stack full of rules, a few that we will go over. My office is safe for you, to say anything you want or want to share with me. Let me be clear, yes I am part of your Radical Will team, however I will not be reporting back to the other practitioners as you may think. You personal emotions and feelings how off the wall they might be, is not what and how I will brief the team. Obviously if you are danger to yourself, I would notify the team right away, and be sure you knew I was doing it. Please feel free to jump in at any time to speak. I have read your entire history with this disease. I noticed something when I read through the entirety of your records. Have you ever been asked by anybody how you feel, or discuss your feelings regarding eating with anyone?

“No, I replied, “No one has ever asked me a single question it all revolves around my weight restoration and my compliance with the rules I have been provided with.”

“First Corey let me say I am very sorry no one has taken care of the part of you that is making you so ill. Your mind and emotions are the biggest players, after the eating disorder we are going to refer as your ED. ED is a guy you have a sick and unhealthy relationship with. You will end up telling all about your own ED. There are not two of the same Eds. Everyone’s ED is unique as you are, and so is how your body reacts to wait you do or don’t do because of your ED. I don’t want to overwhelm you, I have 25 years of recovery. I have my PhD in psychology with a very specific foundation in all times of eating disorders. I have to tell you nobody has come in suggesting Radical Will, was that someone at Walden? ” “No it was me, I thought of this concept all on my own. Obviously the idea of Radical Will already existed I chose to make it my way to get to well. I was and I remain very scared of being a lifer with this disease.”

“Wow Corey I must tell you I mightily impressed. I have never heard of this approach being utilized for an eating disorder. I would like to start right here if you will. I don’t want to put you on the spot but I want to understand this origin of concept you have successfully put into motion. Can you describe how got to Radical Will?”

“It started at Walden on my first visit which was a nightmare for everyone involved. Do you recall it or should I give the short version?” “No Corey that is fine I must laugh right here and tell you that is a story you don’t forget.”

“Okay so I was starving myself solely by restriction. I am a 100 percent restrictor. I get throw up as much as I have wanted to at certain times. I looked at the patient we were all different but there was a commonality I saw with many of the patients. They had been to Walden many and many times, and even tried other places in the past. I deemed them the lifers, I meant no disrespect. I was there for the first time and others were much more comfortable with being in Walden it seemed like a second home the staff treated them very differently, they got babied and cuddled and they were all over 18 years

of age, I never got to know anyone’s personal story I kept to myself for almost the whole time I was social but did not go deep. I knew the feeding tube was a waste, I kept thinking of going home and picking up my old life which lead me so close to death. One day I was in the common room with another girl. One her journal was a quote, it read :”One day I woke up and I didn’t like how  I felt, so I decided to change just like that.”

I was mesmerized by the quote and its meaning to me specifically. I was revolting at Walden for more than one reason obviously. However I had started to get sick of being sick and this quote seemed like a way out that is what I mean when I say Radical Will in regarding to anorexia. I am tired of being sick and I want to be in a different  body I just want to be done with this no  big talks about why or how come? I am very aware of what triggers me and that is what I needed to know. So that is my story of my version of Radical Will I hope it will help some others out. That’s my story of Radical Will to be used with anorexia.”

“Corey I am so moved by this, stepping outside the box to find an answer not a question. I agree you will find we think along the same lines. I would like to take a break and tell you my expectations and how you and I will work together. Help yourself to the refrigerator I am just going to use the restroom. I don’t want to tax all that much pretty self-defeating and I would like to give you something to  think about: How about a second appointment with me this week on Friday? Think about tit no need to make a decision right now. Also if there are loved ones in your life who you would like me to meet I invite to tell me so we can set that up. I find a lot of times patients have a go-to person on their team.

Pam left to go to the restroom. I looked at the clock and we only had thirty five minutes but so much she caused to happen and move inside of me. I had never talked through the whole idea of Radical Will to myself or anybody else. She got me to feel so many things. I was going to write a book about my Radical Will and how it could others, it didn’t need to be the only way people worked on getting better. However I got it of me it was so deep. I was feeling so excited for Stephanie to meet Pam. I know Pam was going to be responsible for saving my life. That is a huge thing to realize in a first visit since I have been sick I have not talked to any practitioner about anything. Just loosely about my Radical Will.  I closed my eyes and leaned back, the weight of the disease was no longer on my back. Pam made sure in getting me to talk I got to the point where my Radical Will kicked into gear. The tears dropped down from my eyes, down my checks and onto my shirt. I was okay I was going to be safe. Thank you dear God for sparing me from myself and giving myself a brain to figure things out. I got up  to look for a tissue, I was really overwhelmed and so relieved.  I had to get myself back together Pam would be back and this I didn’t want her to see……….



Radical Will – Eating Disorders Therapist part 3

I had another Radical Will appointment scheduled for the next day. It gave me a full day to rest in between seeing my primary care doctor.  I was going to meet with my eating disorders therapist. Her name was Pam. She was probably the most important person on my team.

It was hard to find her, I got the referral from Amber the nutritionist. I had called and asked everywhere and nobody knew of  a specialist who dealt with just eating disorders. In hindsight I believe she was the cog that has gotten me to where I am.

So Stephanie and I were deciding on dinner the night before my therapy appointment with Pam. I had now had three smoothies. I wasn’t quite done with my one from today. I would of course finish it. I had not lost anymore weight in a day. I prayed the scales stabilized for tomorrow or showed a tiny gain of even the smallest sort.

Stephanie was all set to make us grilled salmon with sweet potatoes and asparagus Au gratin. It was my favorite dish. I was already to help her, but as usual she told I needn’t help. She had it all under control. I could stay and keep her company or go play on the computer she didn’t mind. Of course I stayed with her in the kitchen….I know surprising probably,  but that is how much I cared for Stephanie. I was feeling okay, my stomach was not great and my shake still had to be finished. My thoughts of dying and being scared had continued and gotten worse a couple of times. We turned in the Hoelter monitor I wore earlier in the day. They scheduled me with a cardiologist to see in a week, to go over the results. I was still missing Bella terribly and I knew it would be a while until I could see her regularly and start keeping her again half time. It was the hardest single thing I had to do and it hurt me so bad, but I had created this disaster.  I was the master of  my imperfect storm.

I was zoning out I just finished my last sip of my smoothie, and didn’t here Stephanie ask me to pull the asparagus from the broiler. She asked me again and then asked if I was alright. I said yes, and I got up and grabbed the thongs to flip over the baby asparagus. I wasn’t hungry at all in fact I didn’t know how I would eat any of this once it was in front of me.

Stephanie and I talked about the day and tomorrow. I was scheduled to see Pam at 10:00 am. I liked that time of the day for an appointment. It wasn’t too early and it wasn’t too late. I think it is the perfect time and I hope I could lock into with her tomorrow. Stephanie noticed my smoothie was complete. She got my food history page on the dry erase board and gave it to me to fill out. I loved writing it down and writing 100%. It is really stupid the inane things I derive my pleasure from these days. Dinner was just about done, I took my medication for my stomach, and went to the bathroom. I decided to weigh myself I couldn’t help it. I took off all of my clothes and jumped on the scale. I was still down over three pounds. It meant tomorrow the scale would be lower again. Fuck it, I thought I was trying so hard and things were just going against me.  I decided to do my best to eat my meal tonight knowing Pam would weigh tomorrow morning and my primary care doctor would know. I can out of the bathroom, and Stephanie asked matter of factly, “How was the scale?” I said, “It is still down over three pounds which means tomorrow it will be even lower.”  She came over and squeezed me tight. “Ready for dinner/” she asked. “Sure I think I am, I hope you bring me an appetite with my food.” She placed two beautiful plates of food on the table. She was really amazing honestly. I had no idea how I was even going to eat a bite of my delicious dinner.

We said a simple Grace and I picked at my salmon. She had grilled it. I loved the crispy parts the best. I was starting to get way into my head with the thought of the scale being down in the morning and having no idea what Pam’s take on everything would be. She would probably be the hardest as she understood the eating disorders mind. Stephanie told me I wasn’t eating. I said I want to but finishing the shake so late really did a number on my ability to eat much more. I ate some of the asparagus. I could eat the fish and the potato later but the asparagus would not be good cold.

Stephanie was in the clean plate club. I say I  put the rest of my dinner away for awhile. Stephanie did not look happy. I couldn’t do anything about it and my stomach cramps were here right on cue. They were not as bad as they were before but still completely uncomfortable. I wanted to help Stephanie clean up but my stomach and now my head was all twisted. For some reason I feared tomorrow morning with Pam. Therapists all scare me anyway it was pare for the course. However I was really scared she would have no tolerance for my weight loss of recent. I got up to get some heating pads, and Stephanie said she had the kitchen. I told I would stay and talk. She said no go lay down, and I told her I would rather stay with her. Stephanie kept my mind from really derailing.  I had to stay enough in the present with her there. My mind could not wander to deeper darker places. That would come to me when we went to sleep later on. Stephanie finished the kitchen I asked her if she wanted to watch some Sons Anarchy in the study. She said yes and she was going to get her computer to check in at work. I figured this meant I could get on my laptop too. One of my favorite things to do, was to watch the Sons and be on the computer. I got the DVD and had to sit my stomach felt like it was on fire and I felt really bloated. I jumped up and went into the bathroom. I got out of my clothes and put on sweats and a fleece top. I felt a little bit better when I did that, it seemed to relieve some pressure on my stomach. Stephanie returned and I put on the TV before jumping on my computer. We watched two episodes and I was on my computer and Stephanie was on hers. I asked her how everything was with work. She said fine no worries, I was so relieved. This was so nice of Stephanie to take a month and half off to help me. I had no idea how I could ever repay her back. She had done so much for me in our friendship. Now with the anorexia she had gone well and above what any other friend would or could do for me. The episode ended and Stephanie said I looked exhausted. I wasn’t really exhausted, I just felt really sick inside like there was something really wrong with me.

I got ready for bed, and my stomach was finally turning the corner. I waited for Stephanie to finish getting ready for bed. We then pulled down all the covers on the bed, Now I felt sleepy and with my heart medication I wasn’t getting up early every single day. We shut off the lights and talked for a bit. Stephanie asked me about my therapy appointment tomorrow. I told how I felt really nervous about Pam. She snuggled up close to me, and I laid closer to her. I loved this time when we were both awake and snuggling. I could never admit to her however she would probably run hard and fast away. I started to say my prayers inside of myself. But my mind kept ruining it with doom and fear I was really dying and should let someone really now how I felt this to be true. I was now wide awake, no more sleepy Corey. I worried about my heart and my bones. Stephanie was fast asleep with her head on my shoulder. I loved her so much and never could tell her. I put my hand on my heart it felt like it was beating weird, I just had to go to sleep if only it was so easy. I couldn’t shake the feeling of dying and next thing I awoke to Stephanie asking me to get up.

I was nervous but went right into the bathroom. I jumped onto the scale shit it was down over four pounds. This was not acceptable to anyone not even me. The rest of the morning was a blur. I ate some fish and sweet potato for breakfast. Stephanie reminded me to bring my recipe and food history with me in case Pan wanted to review it. We finally headed out to my appointment. I was filled with anxiety and pure fear. I had no idea what to expect. We found our way to the building where Pam’s office was located and Stephanie let me out in front. We were running behind, I only had five minutes to spare.

I found my way to Pam’s office suite. I walked into a beautiful room without anybody at the front desk. I sat down and looked for a restroom. I didn’t see one I would have to wait. Soon a very slender woman with white hair came out all smiles. She introduced herself as Pam. I thought immediately she had an eating disorder. She was very kind, and grabbed a stack of papers and asked me to follow her down the hallway. I got in her office and took my jacket and hat off. She had a huge filled folder on me already. She said per my request of my of my primary care, as well as her protocol I needed to get weighed first. She sent me to a bathroom with a johnnie. I came back out and there was a very fancy platform scale right in the hallway. I got on it, and it read 4 pounds down still even though I ate breakfast and drank a bottle of diet sprite. She instructed me to get dressed and meet back in her office.

I made my way back, and she said since this was my first appointment it was scheduled for a hour and a half. What happened next between the two of us changed me forever to this very moment.



Radical Will part 2

After the my primary care appointment, Stephanie drove me to the hospital to get my labs drawn. I was feeling okay, a little numb and scared. I was scared of my heart giving out on me.

I got the labs drawn and Stephanie asked if I wanted to go do any shopping?  We would be celebrating our Christmas on New Year’s Eve. I had to have something to eat, I grabbed a prescription Ensure out of the pack seat. God love Stephanie she had me buy a case just for her car for moments like this. I told her that I needed to get my prescriptions filled. We dropped them off at the pharmacy and I bought some more heating packs. The prescriptions were soon ready, and we headed out to the car. I took the pills for my stomach, and they had given me a wide syringe for taking the liquid medication that went along with the pills. I took both medications, and quickly scanned the inserted pamphlets looking to see what the directions said. It said to wait to eat for 20 minutes.

We drove over to the plaza with Ulta, Barnes & Noble, Best Buy and Trader Joe’s. By the time we got there I was feeling quite faint. I opened a bottle of the shake and took a big gulp. I had to drink this all before I did anything else. I drank the shake really quickly and instantly gave myself a stomach ache. The pains I was used to getting didn’t come on so strong, I was incredibly happy. We waited for 20 minutes, talking about my daughter Bella. It was really hard not to see her, but I knew it was better for her mind and that is all that mattered.

Finally I said to Stephanie, I think I am ready to head out. I need to go do some shopping alone.

“Do you want to meet at Trader Joe’s like an hour?”

Stephanie replied, “Sure that should give me enough time.”

We went our own ways I was heading to Best Buy. I wanted to get her a Fitbit and a new Bluetooth ear piece. She was always talking me from her car, and she lost her ear piece weeks ago. Best Buy was a zoo. There were so many Fitbits to chose from, and then it was picking out a color. I got what I needed and continued to shop at Barnes and Noble where I got Stephanie a few books on her reading list. We met inside the entryway of Trader Joe’s. I was thinking I was really tired and just wanted to go home. Stephanie realized I was cooked and suggested we just pick up something for lunch. I agreed and we picked out some prepared food. I also got more cans of coconut milk.

We got home it was going on 12:30 pm. I needed to take my medication for my heart and my stomach again. I asked Stephanie to do me a favor. I asked if she could make me my smoothie? She said, “Yes of course.” I went to find my eating history paperwork so I could fill it out for yesterday and get in the habit of filling out when I ate a meal. I found it  upstairs in the bedroom, and I just sat on the bed for a minute. I was so worn out and didn’t really feel good.  I slowly made my way down the stairs. Stephanie had fixed me a plate for lunch and made my smoothie with a straw! I was very happy! We had purchased some seaweed salad, pickled beets, hummus and flat bread for our lunch. I started with my smoothie, it didn’t go down very easily. I am not not sure why. I picked at my food, and filled out my eating history for yesterday with the help of Stephanie.

I wrote down to best recollection what I ate and how much approximately. Stephanie told me she read in Amber’s paperwork, to measure out your food with measuring utensils. I said on fuck I don’t know what to say about lunch. Stephanie asked for the food history sheet . She started to fill it out for me. I wasn’t quite sure about this……she finished and handed it back to me. She had pre-measured everything out and wrote it all down for me. I thanked her and I felt warm all over. I loved her so much as my friend. She made me just so happy and always came through me no matter what. It was so great she had taken this leave from work to get me home from Walden. She is a dentist so it is not really that easy to take extended time off. Now that I think of it, I bet she used FMLA……

I finished with lunch. I didn’t make much of a dent in my food or in my smoothie.  Stephanie asked how I was feeling. I said do you want to go into the study and chat for awhile? She said sure, we picked up the lunch dishes. We just put the food away and rinsed in the dishes and left them in the sink.

“I am not feeling myself at all ever since the doctor told me he was afraid I might die. I feel that way myself like my body is just going to expire.”

“Sweetie, we got you on your medications. You are being careful not to over do it. What else is on your mind?”

“I am scared about just everything. From losing more weight, to not drinking my shake, to not making it with Radical Will.”

“Corey, you need to let go of all this stress and worry. You know how bad it is for your body, and how your body reacts to it. You will just keep losing more weight. You have to wrap your mind around it.”

My phone was ringing, and I didn’t know where it was exactly. Well before we found it, it stopped ringing. A call had gone to voicemail. I look at my voicemail it was my doctor’s office number. “What the heck could they want?’ I said. I called them right back and got the receptionist. She put me on hold for awhile.  I was a bit aggravated, and my stomach felt so bloated. I couldn’t stand it.

“Hello Corey.”

“Hi doctor.”

“Corey we got your lab results back and you have hyponatremia and low magnesium as well as low potassium which is dangerous for your heart. I need you to tell me which ER you want to go to.”

“Excuse me sir? I have to go to the ER?”

“Yes Corey we must hook you up to an IV and get these levels up. As far as your hyponatremia it isn’t as bad as it could be, so I am not going to admit you for that I just want you to restrict your fluid intake. I also want another EKG test run while you are there.”

“Okay um I guess I will go to Dover it is closer to my house.”

“Fine I will fax them the orders. They will call me with the results of the EKG and then you probably can go home.”

“Okay doctor, so I just tell them my doctor faxed in orders.”

“Yes Corey that is all you have to say. Give me an hour to get this all set and then head right over.”

“Okay doctor thank you very much.”

“Good luck Corey and take care of yourself.”

I hung up the phone it had been on speaker so Stephanie heard the entire conversation. My eyes welled up, I went to leave the room. Stephanie called me to come back in. I went back and sat beside of her. She put her arms around me oh how I wish this was not my body. How did I do this to myself? I am nearly dead, I feel it closer every minute. I let Stephanie hold me, but I was deep in my head. Morbid thoughts filled the fissures in my head. I knew I was really close to not making it, and there was nothing the medical world could do to change the course or the path I was on immediately. It would take time if that is what I was given, to let my body recover from this vicegrip of death and demise that bled through the blue of my eyes.

I got up and went to get ready. It was after 3 pm. We would be there for a while the IVs they took awhile. I drank a couple more gulps of my smoothie. I poured it into a water bottle I had to take it with me. Stephanie got herself ready, and off we went to the Emercency Room.

At the ER they were waiting for us. I didn’t have to sign in or go through triage. They took us back to a private room. I took off my jackets and sat on the gurney.  A doctor came in and introduced himself. He was very nice and said they would get me out just as quickly as possible. He said an IV would be placed in a minute, and once that was running, an EKG would be taken right away for my doctor. He asked me about the A fib incident. I told him it was not fun, and I really haven’t felt well. He said he could see I wasn’t feeling well. The lab person arrived with a nurse who had bags of IV solutions. The IV got placed, and the nurse ran two of the bags at the same time. I didn’t think they were supposed to do that. Stephanie sat on the edge of the bed, and looked and smiled at me. I couldn’t help but smile back. She handed me the water bottle with the smoothie. I drank some more, although my stomach was starting to cramp up, and I was feeling nauseous.

The EKG technician arrived and got me all hooked up. There was a problem getting a good print out. It took her like three tries but finally she was happy. The nurse came back in to check on my IVs and one bag was done. She hung the last bag up, and said it should be about an hour and then I could go home providing everything was okay with  the EKG. I was restless and agitated. I wanted to be home this was just another stressful situation that I had I had to deal with.

The doctor came in with the EKG and said there were some abnormalities. My doctor wanted me hooked up to a Hoelter monitor for the next 24 hours. Okay I guess, and the doctor said after the IV was done, the person from cardiac would come and hook me up to the Hoelter monitor. I needed to wear it for twenty four hours straight. It would record my heart, and if I felt my heart was off, there was a button I was to push. Finally the IV was done and Stephanie went to find a nurse.

While Stephanie stepped out I thought how this was all a matter of time. My body couldn’t withstand what I put it through with the starvation. Stephanie came back in with a nurse who was on a portable phone. The nurse took down the IV bags and but left my IV in. She hung up the phone and said cardiac was on their way. Once I had the Hoelter monitor she would pull the IV and I would be all set to go. I was really not in a good way. I felt a deep sense of dread, and was scared out of my mind. I worked on my smoothie some more. It was killing me to drink it, I felt so bloated and nauseous. Cardiac arrived and were way too chipper for me at that moment. I did my best however I think I came across as a grump. It took awhile to get the monitor all set up to attach it to me. Then the cardiac person explained everything I already knew but I knew they had to say it. So I listened for what seemed a very long time of something that was quite simple. Finally I was all set I just needed my IV out. Soon the nurse arrived, and pulled the IV out. Finally I was good to go.

We left I waited inside, while Stephanie went to get the car. I was thinking a lot of things but mostly thinking how great it was to have Stephanie in my life. I got into the car, I was freezing out and pitch black. I drank the last of my smoothie. The thought of death suddenly over came me. My heart started to beat real fast like before but not like A fib. I push the incident button on the Hoelter monitor and prayed that I did not die, I was so regretful. I knew I had sinned against my own body. I prayed in the car, for the scale to turn around and for my mind to accept it. I had one more day and then I would meet my eating disoders therapist.  Please Dear God do not let me die………….



Clinton’s FBI Interview Being Sent to House For Possible Perjury

Hillary Rodham Clinton is so close to being president but today it appears she may be far off her desired target.

This all stems from a tiny e-mail server at her personal residence which she used to email State Department emails.

She is not the first person to do it as both Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice did so as well. However Clinton has admitted she broke the law and has been under investigations from the State Department to the FBI.

One of the main issues involves missing emails that Clinton deemed personal and did not turn over when she turned over some 35,000 documents.

After review by the State Department and the FBI along with previous meetings with the House and Congress, the FBI ultimately decided in late July early August not to pursue legal charges against Clinton.

Yes she did break the spirit of the law but supposedly not the letter of the law.

Well you always need to know who your enemies are, and Julian Assange, founder of WikiLeaks is one of Clinton’s biggest enemies.

His carefully timed release of Clinton’s emails during the DNC and last week have created havoc for Clinton. Assange hates Clinton as he has sought political asylum to a third world country in London for supposed rape as well as child molestation charges. Clinton has been one of the biggest ardent supporters of extraditing Assange to be tried in the US under our legal system.

Assange minces not a word, when he speaks of bringing down Clinton and last week released more emails that this time showing perhaps a conflict between Clinton and her role as Secretary of State and the Clinton Foundation.

Under her terms of being Secretary of State Clinton promised to step away completely from the Clinton Foundation.

Assange is scheduled to continue to release inciting emails through the election in a personal effort to bring Clinton down.

Last week members of the House with whom Clinton met two years ago to review this issue asked for copies of the FBI report it took in an interview with Clinton in July.

They are questioning Clinton’s responses to certain questions they supposedly asked her and want to review the FBI report for signs of perjury.

The FBI has been at a stalemate with this interview which has been deemed highly classified.

Today the FBI decided to hand over the interview taken under oath to the House members for review.

This is nothing but a perfect storm unfortunately for Clinton who is dominating the election in every way and is up in all the polls with Trump inflicting daily gaffes upon himself, and polling margins increasing weekly in every demographic for Clinton.

Between the House Republicans and Julian Assange the perfect storm to deny Clinton the very office she is so close to occupying is a brutally bad stroke of luck.

I believe Clinton is no fool, and I am sure she chose her words very carefully in both meetings with the House two years ago and late last month with the FBI.

Only Clinton knows how this is going to go-the added scrutiny of the general public towards her trustworthiness is being tested again and again.

Thankfully for Clinton if she is not charged with perjury she has no competition in the Don. Clinton is chomping at the bit for those presidential debates.

Let’s hope for everyone’s sake this lightening rod created by Assange disappears and it will remain the most notorious election ever for the United States.



My First Day of Radical Will part 1

Christmas Eve and Christmas day were very good and beautiful days. I made it through Christmas with enough stamina, and Stephanie cried when I gave her the ring I had made for her. Bella was such a blast and we all really enjoyed ourselves. I was keenly aware how different this could have all played out if I was still in Walden.

My head was distracted for a good part of the time. Thoughts of starting the Radical Will protocol the day after Christmas seeped into and out of my head. I was worried about my weight, and wondered if I didn’t have any control over it, and that the scale would just continue to go down while I was in the midst of the longest refeeding ever.

We were at my ex-wife’s house from 7 am until 12:00 pm opening presents, and eating a Christmas quiche with sausage and hash browns. I was able to eat some, I love meat. So I ate all the sausage in my slice of quiche. I don’t like bread so I left the crust of the quiche. My ex-wife Camie made some remark about my Radical Will and it starting the next day. I was nervous about my stomach cramping. Sure as crap, it started hurting before people were finished eating. I looked at Stephanie and she knew. I could tell she was concerned but didn’t know what or how to help. I excused myself and went into the bathroom to throw cold water onto my face.

When I came out, everyone was back in the living  room with the fire burning. My stomach was throwing a fit, I didn’t have heating pads, and I certainly couldn’t ask to go lay down. Now was a moment I had to get through. No ways around it, I needed to rise to the  occasion, distract my mind and my body, which felt fat now from eating, and be happy and normal like everyone else. Gosh did I loathe myself and what I had done to my body. This was so unnecessary and threatened to affect everyone if I couldn’t rise to the occasion. Finally I couldn’t sit still any longer. I asked Stephanie if she wanted to go clean the kitchen with me from brunch? She readily agreed knowing I was trying to get out of the room. Camie didn’t want us fussing about the clean up, but I told her we were cleaning up, she had cooked. Bella went to take a shower, as we were going out to one of our favorite restaurants, the Wentworth by the Sea for 2:00pm. We had started going there a couple of years before, and it was so beautifully decorated for the holiday, and the food was so delicious we loved it and splurged on Christmas.

Lunch at the Wentworth by the Sea was stressful from the get go for me. I was very anxious about my stomach and was developing a really strong phobia to eating out in places. Lunch was something we couldn’t rush through. It was a fixed menu with 8 courses and the food just kept coming out. I was sitting by Bella and since she is a vegetarian I gave some of my food to her. I was crawling out of my nose, inch by inch. I felt fat, I felt anxious, and I was having to fake it to make everyone’s day all that much more special. My stomach started up, and I had found heating pads in Stephanie’s car on the ride over. I took my bag to the bathroom, and put the heating pads inside my pants and underwear. I said a prayer for courage and strength and thanked God for this amazing day I was having with my family. I hurt so much I started to sweat, but I made it through the entire dinner. Camie wasn’t happy with how little I ate, but she didn’t make a big fuss about it. I think we were all relieved that we had made it through together as a family for Christmas Day. We sure weren’t sure that would even happen.

We drove back to Dover with Bella with us. We were just stopping back to get all or gifts and pick up Julia Bleu. We couldn’t forget the pug, she would never let us, no matter what. We got the car loaded, we had so much stuff, and said good night to Bella and Camie. I would pick up Bella tomorrow after my first Radical Will appointment. Both Stephanie and I  agreed we had eaten too much to make our own dinner. Plus it was 6:00 pm, it wouldn’t be ready to after 8 pm. Stephanie had bought me a new Diesel bracelet I just loved. It kept catching my eye. I was feeling so bloated, and so gross and fat. I just wanted to puke but it wasn’t an option, so I decided to unload Stephanie’s car of all our presents. We would just put everything in the guest bedroom and deal with it tomorrow. My appointment with the Radical Will Nutritionist was scheduled for 11:00 am.

After we got everything into the house, Stephanie knowing me, realized I was trying to move as much as possible because I felt so fat and bloated. She quietly handed me a Greek yogurt, and I sat down at the kitchen table to eat it. I so didn’t want to eat anything, and this I knew Stephanie would have a say, because we hadn’t eaten since 4:30 pm. I slowly started to eat my yogurt but I just couldn’t do it. I was okay with Stephanie not being pleased, I was so stuffed into my clothes, I needed to get into my pajamas. I got ready for bed, and got myself right into the bed. Stephanie took awhile, but she came along and got in beside me. We talked about what an awesome day it had been, and talked of Radical Will that would start the next day. Stephanie and I chatted about our own Christmas, and when we would cook the meal we didn’t cook on Christmas. We usually celebrated Christmas on New Year’s Eve. I was just laying there thinking I was so grateful, when my heart when into some sort of off rhythm. It felt like my heart was coming out of my chest. I jumped up and told Stephanie I wasn’t alright. She looked at me, I was leaning over holding my heart. She dialed 911 and the paramedics showed up right away. I was sure I was dying, they hooked me up to an EKG. My heart was in A fib, a potentially fatal arrhythmia. My heart was beating over 330 beats a minute. They got an IV in and immediately gave me medication. They even put the sirens on the ambulance.

Long story short, my anorexia had caused the A fib and they thought it was regulating itself with all the medication they were giving me, but then it starting all over again. They had to give me a ton more medication, and were prepping to shock my heart. I don’t remember much. There were people all over the place. I finally saw Stephanie, and I felt a little less scared. My heart rate came down, but they had run my labs, and my electrolytes were all off, which wasn’t any good for my heart. I was obviously getting admitted. Stephanie came up to me, and said she would stay with me the night.

The next morning in the hospital I had all kinds of heart tests. They finally discharged around 4:30 pm. I had missed my first appointment with my nutritionist for my Radical Will. I felt weak and tired, and now had  a ton of heart medication to take. We got home and I just cried. I cried because I almost died, and I cried because I didn’t want to mess up my first two weeks of Radical Will. I called my parents, and ended up falling asleep on the phone. Radical Will would have to wait another day.